Anonymous
08/22/2013 10:29
Subject: How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
Anonymous wrote:Any moms here read Forever by Judy Blume? That book educated me a lot about sex in my teens and now that I'm a mom (though my DD has years to go) I think it's still a great read for parents.
My takeaway from the parent perspective is if you educate your child about relationships (not just about sex) and began doing that early (like how men and women are supposed to treat each other, how to respect each other) and you are welcoming to his or her questions that's at least a third of the battle. The other thirds are trusting in your child and in believing all your convos made an impact on him or her.
OP, I'd make it clear to your DD what you expect from her from this weekend and let her know you're trusting her. And give your husband a little grief for making a big decision without you!
One other thing--OP, would you feel better about her bf if he were nerdy and not so jock-y and self-confident? Just curious.
OP here, honestly yes it would make me feel better if he were nerdy and not confident
I am of course half joking. He is actually a really nice kid, very polite but very self assured which is of course a good thing too. Had a long talk with daugher, already had the birth control talk a while back (this is personal and I prefer not to elaborate but we have that covered, lets just say that). I told her we will be around so if for whatever reason she wanted to come back early, her father or I could go pick her up no problem at all.
The bf's mother called last night to say that she will be rooming now with his sister because their cousin is also coming. So this is even better actually for her to not have her own room. And the way she detailed their schedule, sounds like they are going to be very busy with lots of activities so I felt better after the call.
To some who question the relationship, obviously your kids have not had bf's and gf's at this age. I see nothing wrong with it as long as they are responsible and have adults overseeing things. Being in a relationship has also taught my daughter a lot that she otherwise would not have learned at this age and if anything I feel like she has greatly matured and its worked for her. Highly personal but please don't make rash judgements. Thank you to everyone for your two cents, enjoyed taking time to read through the different opinions!
Anonymous
08/22/2013 08:36
Subject: Re:How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
Anonymous wrote: My daughter is one such example. She has had a bf for over a year and they both are in agreement of not having sex before marriage. Its a personal choice and while mainstream media might play it up that its "the thing to do" I assure you many kids are not sexually active at 16. So lets be realistic here. So, not ALL the horses have left the barn
I am guessing your horse HAS left the barn, and does not want to tell you about it because she knows you don't believe in premarital sex and she badly wants you to believe she will not have sex in any fashion before marriage. She does not want to be perceived as immoral or bad, in your eyes.
Many of the parents who don't like thinking about their kids having premarital sex are people who did have premarital sex themselves, and have decided their kids need to be held to a higher standard than they were able to achieve. It creates some weird family communication and alot of deception and silence around something that should be an open conversation topic with your children, for their physical and emotional health.
I am by no means in the no sex before marriage crowd, but this is ridiculous. I don't know about PPs daughter, but not all teens with boyfriends have sex. It's kind of ridiculous fom you to assume you know more about eve single child in that group than people who actually know them.
Anonymous
08/22/2013 08:31
Subject: How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
Any moms here read Forever by Judy Blume? That book educated me a lot about sex in my teens and now that I'm a mom (though my DD has years to go) I think it's still a great read for parents.
My takeaway from the parent perspective is if you educate your child about relationships (not just about sex) and began doing that early (like how men and women are supposed to treat each other, how to respect each other) and you are welcoming to his or her questions that's at least a third of the battle. The other thirds are trusting in your child and in believing all your convos made an impact on him or her.
OP, I'd make it clear to your DD what you expect from her from this weekend and let her know you're trusting her. And give your husband a little grief for making a big decision without you!
One other thing--OP, would you feel better about her bf if he were nerdy and not so jock-y and self-confident? Just curious.
My takeaway from the parent perspective is if you educate your child about relationships (not just about sex) and began doing that early (like how men and women are supposed to treat each other, how to respect each other) and you are welcoming to his or her questions that's at least a third of the battle. The other thirds are trusting in your child and in believing all your convos made an impact on him or her.
OP, I'd make it clear to your DD what you expect from her from this weekend and let her know you're trusting her. And give your husband a little grief for making a big decision without you!
One other thing--OP, would you feel better about her bf if he were nerdy and not so jock-y and self-confident? Just curious.
Anonymous
08/22/2013 08:28
Subject: How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
Anonymous wrote:She's growing up. Make sure she is on birth control and that she doesn't make any life long decisions based on the relationship. And be there for her when they break up (if they do) because it is going to hurt so very bad; he will always be her first love).
Labor Day is irrelevant, let her go. Otherwise you will lose her trust completely. You can't fight this situation, and there seems to be no reason to.
Labor Day was already decided. You will lose any chance you have of her coming to you in the future with things that matter if you alter the decision that has already been made. I agree with posters who suggest that you tell her why you are nervous (you don't want to see her hurt) and about the responsibilities of being in this serious-level relationship (everything from bringing a gift for the parents as a thank you for the invitation to, yes, birth control). I'd review how she'd get home if she decides not to stay the full four days so that she's empowered to make that decision and knows that you trust her to evaluate her own situation and comfort level. I know I've made idiotic decisions in life just because my mother attempted to shut down all options.
She's 16 and has been dating her boyfriend for over a year. The only bad thing you have to say about him is that he seems a little too confident for your comfort. (????)
Don't f*&^ this up, Mom. It will set a very serious precedent. She won't confide in you until her 30s. I think it sucks that she's been put in the position to ease your mind, when, as a mother to a young woman, you had to have seen this coming. Mom up. Handle *yourself*. Let your daughter handle her relationship, with protection and options...and your respect for her choices (and her ability to deal with the consequences of those choices thanks to your positive involvement).
What a way to start the school year.
Anonymous
08/22/2013 08:12
Subject: How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
The majority of high school kids aren't having sex. Sure are but this idea that everyone is doing it isn't true. Even at the college level a third of students report they have never had sex.
Anonymous
08/22/2013 07:25
Subject: Re:How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
Anonymous wrote: My daughter is one such example. She has had a bf for over a year and they both are in agreement of not having sex before marriage. Its a personal choice and while mainstream media might play it up that its "the thing to do" I assure you many kids are not sexually active at 16. So lets be realistic here. So, not ALL the horses have left the barn
I am guessing your horse HAS left the barn, and does not want to tell you about it because she knows you don't believe in premarital sex and she badly wants you to believe she will not have sex in any fashion before marriage. She does not want to be perceived as immoral or bad, in your eyes.
Many of the parents who don't like thinking about their kids having premarital sex are people who did have premarital sex themselves, and have decided their kids need to be held to a higher standard than they were able to achieve. It creates some weird family communication and alot of deception and silence around something that should be an open conversation topic with your children, for their physical and emotional health.
Seriously? You are basically implying all young kids who are bf and gf are having sex. That is absurd. You have no idea if they are or aren't so stop generalizing. I know for a FACT my own 16 year old is not. It is her choice and a vow she has made to herself. I don't need to explain it to you nor does she but please seriously stop sounding so ignorant to imply that all kids who have a serious bf or gf are having sex.Not true. Period.
Anonymous
08/21/2013 21:11
Subject: How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
Anonymous wrote:This is a way too much involvement for such young people. Sex is the least of it.
+1000 In situations like this, parents always say that the young couple is "inseparable." However, the parents cater to the togetherness. Go figure.
Anonymous
08/21/2013 21:02
Subject: Re:How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
My daughter is one such example. She has had a bf for over a year and they both are in agreement of not having sex before marriage. Its a personal choice and while mainstream media might play it up that its "the thing to do" I assure you many kids are not sexually active at 16. So lets be realistic here. So, not ALL the horses have left the barn
I am guessing your horse HAS left the barn, and does not want to tell you about it because she knows you don't believe in premarital sex and she badly wants you to believe she will not have sex in any fashion before marriage. She does not want to be perceived as immoral or bad, in your eyes.
Many of the parents who don't like thinking about their kids having premarital sex are people who did have premarital sex themselves, and have decided their kids need to be held to a higher standard than they were able to achieve. It creates some weird family communication and alot of deception and silence around something that should be an open conversation topic with your children, for their physical and emotional health.
I am guessing your horse HAS left the barn, and does not want to tell you about it because she knows you don't believe in premarital sex and she badly wants you to believe she will not have sex in any fashion before marriage. She does not want to be perceived as immoral or bad, in your eyes.
Many of the parents who don't like thinking about their kids having premarital sex are people who did have premarital sex themselves, and have decided their kids need to be held to a higher standard than they were able to achieve. It creates some weird family communication and alot of deception and silence around something that should be an open conversation topic with your children, for their physical and emotional health.
Anonymous
08/21/2013 20:52
Subject: How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
Anonymous wrote:OP think its good that you spoke up. The other mother knows your feelings and I am sure will make more of an effort to watch over them. 16 is still very young and while some are very casual about them having sex, I would not be so quick to assume "its par for the course". I would also have a sit down with my daughter about how you expect her to behave. She is half the equation and if her bf suggest something hopefully she will know better than to engage out of respect to you and his family.
Hope it all goes well. My daughter is 17 and has an 18 bf, she goes skiing with them twice a year (2 years now) but his parents are so strict, that I don't even have to ask!
I think you are naive.
Anonymous
08/21/2013 10:38
Subject: How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
OP think its good that you spoke up. The other mother knows your feelings and I am sure will make more of an effort to watch over them. 16 is still very young and while some are very casual about them having sex, I would not be so quick to assume "its par for the course". I would also have a sit down with my daughter about how you expect her to behave. She is half the equation and if her bf suggest something hopefully she will know better than to engage out of respect to you and his family.
Hope it all goes well. My daughter is 17 and has an 18 bf, she goes skiing with them twice a year (2 years now) but his parents are so strict, that I don't even have to ask!
Hope it all goes well. My daughter is 17 and has an 18 bf, she goes skiing with them twice a year (2 years now) but his parents are so strict, that I don't even have to ask!
Anonymous
08/21/2013 10:35
Subject: Re:How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
Anonymous wrote:If your daughter has been dating a boy (a year older) for a year, they are having sex. They just are. They will also have sex at the beach house. Trust me. That will be happening, regardless of what you or the mother think or do.
The horse has left the barn.
You say that you have a hunch that they are sexually active. Please talk to your daughter directly about this. She may be hesitant to talk to you because of your conservative views. Your daughter's health and your ability to communicate with her need to come first. Set your views aside for a bit and just talk and listen.
She needs to be on birth control or she WILL get pregnant if they are having sex. Then she will have some decisions to make which are far more difficult than if she should go away for a weekend to the beach house.
Don't put pressure on another family to provide alot of supervision or to adhere to your morality for your daughter. If she goes, she will be having sex. If she does not go, she won't be having sex (this weekend). Be realistic.
The other mother probably feels that the horse has left the barn, and does not understand why you are suddenly concerned about supervision since the the kids are already having sex.
This is a silly comment with no disrespect. Do not assume ALL kids who have had a bf for one year are having sex. WRONG. My daughter is one such example. She has had a bf for over a year and they both are in agreement of not having sex before marriage. Its a personal choice and while mainstream media might play it up that its "the thing to do" I assure you many kids are not sexually active at 16. So lets be realistic here. So, not ALL the horses have left the barn
Second, the OP has every right to "put pressure" on the host family for the rules that will be applied during her stay. If for whatever reason the host family was not comfortable wiht what she suggested, it is my guess they would have said as much. I do not think the morality of her daughter is in question here, it is more a matter of common sense and respect for how one behaves when staying as a guest. Do not be so black and white that if she goes they are having sex. That is hogwash.
And I don't think any of us can comment on that the mother thinks the OP is suddenly showing concern, with the implication being that she wasn't concerned before. Much of your comment was completely unfounded and purely speculative.
Anonymous
08/21/2013 08:06
Subject: Re:How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
If your daughter has been dating a boy (a year older) for a year, they are having sex. They just are. They will also have sex at the beach house. Trust me. That will be happening, regardless of what you or the mother think or do.
The horse has left the barn.
You say that you have a hunch that they are sexually active. Please talk to your daughter directly about this. She may be hesitant to talk to you because of your conservative views. Your daughter's health and your ability to communicate with her need to come first. Set your views aside for a bit and just talk and listen.
She needs to be on birth control or she WILL get pregnant if they are having sex. Then she will have some decisions to make which are far more difficult than if she should go away for a weekend to the beach house.
Don't put pressure on another family to provide alot of supervision or to adhere to your morality for your daughter. If she goes, she will be having sex. If she does not go, she won't be having sex (this weekend). Be realistic.
The other mother probably feels that the horse has left the barn, and does not understand why you are suddenly concerned about supervision since the the kids are already having sex.
The horse has left the barn.
You say that you have a hunch that they are sexually active. Please talk to your daughter directly about this. She may be hesitant to talk to you because of your conservative views. Your daughter's health and your ability to communicate with her need to come first. Set your views aside for a bit and just talk and listen.
She needs to be on birth control or she WILL get pregnant if they are having sex. Then she will have some decisions to make which are far more difficult than if she should go away for a weekend to the beach house.
Don't put pressure on another family to provide alot of supervision or to adhere to your morality for your daughter. If she goes, she will be having sex. If she does not go, she won't be having sex (this weekend). Be realistic.
The other mother probably feels that the horse has left the barn, and does not understand why you are suddenly concerned about supervision since the the kids are already having sex.
Anonymous
08/21/2013 07:27
Subject: How to handle a situation with my daughter and her boyfriend...
This is so silly do you not know that the bf's parents will be there? I am sure he has siblings too. Some of you act like they are going away the two of them for a romantic weekend. There is nothing wrong with this. OP good that you made yourself clear about what you expect to happen and not happen.
Furthermore I am sure your d will be respectful of your wishes and frankly I was 16 once and cannot imagine doing something moronic in front of his parents to be embarrassed by. I bet it will all work out just fine!
Furthermore I am sure your d will be respectful of your wishes and frankly I was 16 once and cannot imagine doing something moronic in front of his parents to be embarrassed by. I bet it will all work out just fine!