Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister cut off my two brothers after my mother died. It has destroyed my entire family. Think long and hard about the repercussions beyond yourself.

That sounds very one sided. She cut them off for no reason? Just for kicks? Or were there reasons she outlined, but perhaps for reasons that don't meet your approval?

I love my sister and I know he believed she had reason--believe me I she told me every tiny detail. I was a witness to it all and have stuck with my sister all of these years and the cost of my brothers. I know why she did what she did but she let grief, unresolved childhood jealousies, and anger overtake common sense. Everyone lives in different states and rarely saw each other even before the formal drama. She blew up the entire family, destroyed relationships among siblings resulting in nieces and nephews losing aunts and uncles, etc. It was an unnecessary act that could have easily been avoided. Ten years later she is still as pissed and nasty and is losing one of her children to the conflict. There are more adult ways to handle things.

We are in the exact situation. Sick father and one sibling being manipulative, nasty and generally toxic to the entire family though directly mostly at one sibling due to jealousy and unresolved childhood issues. I personally think she actually has a mental issue. Sadly it has isolated her and she is living a pretty lonely life which will only get lonelier once our father dies.

The good news is that we all recognize the role that our parents played in creating the monster that she is and have hopefully will avoid it with our own children.

My heart goes out to you. I wish your dad good health and recovery from his illness. It sounds as if, for the most part, your family is approaching the entire issue with maturity and thus, you all will survive this. Sadly, my brothers were major jerks throughout my mother's illness and ultimate death and pushed all the wrong buttons with each other, with my sister and with my. My three siblings couldn't quite understand that you can live in the same house as a child but not have he same experience. No two people will grieve exactly the same and you shouldn't expect some one else to react the way you do. There comes a time when you need to put aside childhood jealousies and move on for your own sake if not for others. Finally, don't react and make major decisions when you are grieving. Needless to say we were a very dysfunctional family. Years of therapy is the only thing that kept me from going down the same path. This is truly the biggest sorrow of my life and as crazy as my family was, I miss my nieces and nephews and I greatly great that my children do not know their aunts, uncles and cousins and I constantly have to work to counteract the message they receive about what family means, the benefits of forgiveness, and the need for maturity and growth in all relationships. I try to be honest with them about what happened and explain it in a respectful manner hopefully, as a lesson on what not to do, but children learn what they live...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister cut off my two brothers after my mother died. It has destroyed my entire family. Think long and hard about the repercussions beyond yourself.

That sounds very one sided. She cut them off for no reason? Just for kicks? Or were there reasons she outlined, but perhaps for reasons that don't meet your approval?

I love my sister and I know he believed she had reason--believe me I she told me every tiny detail. I was a witness to it all and have stuck with my sister all of these years and the cost of my brothers. I know why she did what she did but she let grief, unresolved childhood jealousies, and anger overtake common sense. Everyone lives in different states and rarely saw each other even before the formal drama. She blew up the entire family, destroyed relationships among siblings resulting in nieces and nephews losing aunts and uncles, etc. It was an unnecessary act that could have easily been avoided. Ten years later she is still as pissed and nasty and is losing one of her children to the conflict. There are more adult ways to handle things.

We are in the exact situation. Sick father and one sibling being manipulative, nasty and generally toxic to the entire family though directly mostly at one sibling due to jealousy and unresolved childhood issues. I personally think she actually has a mental issue. Sadly it has isolated her and she is living a pretty lonely life which will only get lonelier once our father dies.

The good news is that we all recognize the role that our parents played in creating the monster that she is and have hopefully will avoid it with our own children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister cut off my two brothers after my mother died. It has destroyed my entire family. Think long and hard about the repercussions beyond yourself.

That sounds very one sided. She cut them off for no reason? Just for kicks? Or were there reasons she outlined, but perhaps for reasons that don't meet your approval?

I love my sister and I know he believed she had reason--believe me I she told me every tiny detail. I was a witness to it all and have stuck with my sister all of these years and the cost of my brothers. I know why she did what she did but she let grief, unresolved childhood jealousies, and anger overtake common sense. Everyone lives in different states and rarely saw each other even before the formal drama. She blew up the entire family, destroyed relationships among siblings resulting in nieces and nephews losing aunts and uncles, etc. It was an unnecessary act that could have easily been avoided. Ten years later she is still as pissed and nasty and is losing one of her children to the conflict. There are more adult ways to handle things.

Anonymous wrote:As some one who's been the outsider of some family dispute - I'd recommend having a non-confrontational fade away. If there are any lingering on-going ties, like any jointly owned assets inherited from your parents, then wrap those up - ie, sell your share - and move on.

I know it's tempting to go off on some one, let them know how done you are and why, but please don't make a scene, yell, let the years of frustration out in some diatribe. Just wrap up any lingering material ties, and then be polite but distant at family functions. You just end up punishing everyone else when there can't be joint holidays anymore because the cut off was so dramatic that people aren't willing to be in the same room any more. The cousins don't get the hang out, the siblings you do like have to split up their Christmas holiday - you end up punishing the wrong people if you handle this poorly.

Well put. I am living the disaster that my siblings created. It is carrying in the next generation. So completely unnecessary. You can keep a respectful distance without creating more drama and hurting the rest of the family.

Look at the other people in your life who provide you with the love and friendship you hoped to have with your sibling.

Be grateful.

Think of those people side by side (in my case, a brother and another friend I've had for 20 years).

Who would you call if you were happy?
Who would be at your door if your spouse died?
Who would be at the hospital if your car crashed?
Who would your kids think to go to if they had an issue and were not ready to discuss it with you?


That's your sibling.

Maybe you haven't experienced a loss, but a "transfer."
I realized yesterday that some of the familial relationships I have in my life have been "recast" by the universe/God.

Anonymous wrote:My sister cut off my two brothers after my mother died. It has destroyed my entire family. Think long and hard about the repercussions beyond yourself.

That sounds very one sided. She cut them off for no reason? Just for kicks? Or were there reasons she outlined, but perhaps for reasons that don't meet your approval?

My sister cut off my two brothers after my mother died. It has destroyed my entire family. Think long and hard about the repercussions beyond yourself.

Anonymous wrote:Have you ended a relationship with a sibling? Can you share some suggestions about going forward permanently cutting them out of your life?

I've tried everything to "make it work." They are nothing but toxic, petty and personally mean, and supremely selfish. I've even arranged for therapy sessions for us, but those turned out to be futile (therapist seems to sympathize more with me, but the sibling refuses to do anything to move forward to work on our relationship).

Our parents passed away some time ago, so it's us and a few other siblings. I've given up on this one though. I'm really ready to be completely done of them.

Don't call. Don't return calls. Just stop communicating.

I respond to emails about family situations (eg., a sick relative or death in the family). I have hosted her children. But, other than that, nothing. There is good reason for it but I'm so jealous over those who have good relationships with their siblings.

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I have the advice you are looking for or the support you want because I came to a different conclusion. I have minimal contact with a particluar sibling. My choice. But since I did almost all the work in the relationship she does not notice. I just decided I did not want ti be that person who cuts someone off. It felt overly dramatic to me. I felt like I could shift my relationship in my mind and heart without taking drastic means. It has worked well. I am nice when I see her and leave the door open for the future. I feel a little sad formthe relationship we will never have but mostly, I am pretty good with it.

To answer your question, I would not have felt good about " cutting someone out".

NP, but I agree with this this. I don't agree with cutting people off, especially family members. But you don't have to let them occupy an important place in your heart. I don't go out of the way to see them ever, or initiate contact, but I am always polite and cordial, and I always invite her if I'm inviting other family members.

I made a decision to cut contact with 2 older sisters after my mother died. I had no chance with them and their emotional abuse. The last straw was when Mum died and they found their opportunity to pay me back for being the favourite child. For months after they humiliated, played games, bullied me. It was awful and broke me, but gave me the strength to move on.

I cut my sister off in 2013. Best thing I've ever done.

I don't call her, visit her or have any forms of communications with her.

OP, it isn't that hard to do this:

Send a Birthday card, or call.
Send a Holiday card, or call.
Arrange a visit once a year, or so (neutral location like a meal at a restaurant)
Hope for the best. But decide not to commit more than a few days a year - of emotional investment - to the relationship.

No need for drama. No need for emotional let-down. No need to cut-anyone-out of one's life.

I have a twin brother who I cut off contact with when I got married and changed my name 20 years ago. I'm bi and he is a blatant homophobe, as well as an awful combination of cloying and selfish. He is basically the Dolores Umbridge of siblings. He works in the money industry and is way too rich for his own good. When a woman he worked with mistook me for his superior and told me he'd tried to sexually assault her three times, I stopped speaking to him, and the name change allowed me to feel completely distanced. I've never regretted it and the only thing I regret is tolerating his behavior for so long. If you feel willing to work on the relationship, do so-if not, do what your heart tells you. Good luck, happy holidays.

I am not sure I have the advice you are looking for or the support you want because I came to a different conclusion. I have minimal contact with a particluar sibling. My choice. But since I did almost all the work in the relationship she does not notice. I just decided I did not want ti be that person who cuts someone off. It felt overly dramatic to me. I felt like I could shift my relationship in my mind and heart without taking drastic means. It has worked well. I am nice when I see her and leave the door open for the future. I feel a little sad formthe relationship we will never have but mostly, I am pretty good with it.

To answer your question, I would not have felt good about " cutting someone out".