You would have to live in cave to not know being overweight and eating crap is bad for you. It is the subject of every other news story, talk show, magazine cover. Don't ruin your relationship by stating the obvious. Just be a good role model by eating well and working out yourself.

I am the OP. My brother has fluid retention in his legs now and can't fly without a prescription diuretic. Heart failure. That's why I am so scared for him. (I don't get any satisfaction from this, as someone suggested-- Good Lord! What kind of relationships does that guy have?) He has been very very overweight for decades. I've never said anything. It's this latest medical issue that has me alarmed. I'm not going to say anything. Instead, his birthday is coming up, and instead of just putting, "Love, Me," on a card, I'm going to write a letter telling him how much I admire him, and have learned from him. And do it in the funny, silly way that is our family thing. What to do when someone you love isn't caring for themselves-- it's a conundrum for the ages.

My brother and his wife are both very overweight and I am thin. When they come for dinner my brother will load up his plate and will not even eat any of the fruits and vegetables I put out. He complains he is tired a lot. He loves to sleep. He works hard at his job, but if I even suggest that we could start walking together he looks at me like that is the dumbest idea ever. He does not seem to understand that other people work hard too but don't come home and nap but actually go for a jog. He is in the health care field so I know he must be aware of the risks. I would never feel comfortable commenting on his weight. He is in his 30's. He and his wife must know that this is not healthy but besides offering him healthy foods when he comes over or asking if he would like to walk with me I would only feel as if I were insulting him. I just let it go because I don't have control over his life. He and his wife seem happy working, eating, taking naps, and traveling. They don't want kids. Who am I to judge. They seem happy with their choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Would it be helpful to you for a family member to rub your face in what (they view) are your own bad choices? Do you really need them to point out your failings to you? How you could do things better (like them)? Or would you find that to be highly intrusive, even insulting? Think about your own failings and how you want others to treat you.....think about what you really hope to accomplish before you speak.

Please. This is not a matter of "I want you do me like me" or "do things my way." It's not a matter of opinion. Morbid obesity is not healthy.

As for how I want others to treat me - if I am acting in a way that could be harmful, I'd expect my loved ones to approach me with their concerns. Not harangue me, not lecture me, not scold me, but to tell me that they are concerned for me. In fact, if they didn't care, I'd expect them to say nothing. Do you routinely not express concern for your loved ones?

The one thing that I have learned is that not everyone handles a health problem/challenge/personal issue in the same way that I would handle it. In fact, it used to drive me nuts to see them make such obvious, asinine "mistakes" (BAD choices).

At some point, I realized that those people have a right to live their own life and they will need to live with the consequences of their choices - both good and bad. I can not live their life for them, and their life is not mine to live. If I thought that they were incompetent/mentally ill I would, of course, try to step in and help them. But, otherwise, I butt out. If they ask my opinion I offer it but I no longer ASSume that I know better for them. I just know what is best for me - and that is where I try to put my energy.

Would it be helpful to you for a family member to rub your face in what (they view) are your own bad choices? Do you really need them to point out your failings to you? How you could do things better (like them)? Or would you find that to be highly intrusive, even insulting? Think about your own failings and how you want others to treat you.....think about what you really hope to accomplish before you speak.

Please. This is not a matter of "I want you do me like me" or "do things my way." It's not a matter of opinion. Morbid obesity is not healthy.

As for how I want others to treat me - if I am acting in a way that could be harmful, I'd expect my loved ones to approach me with their concerns. Not harangue me, not lecture me, not scold me, but to tell me that they are concerned for me. In fact, if they didn't care, I'd expect them to say nothing. Do you routinely not express concern for your loved ones?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?

Oh, please, does it really impact OP's life? Or is it just a subtle, not-so-subtle-really attempt at one upmanship? No, obesity is not like alcoholism, drug addiction or second hand smoke. OP gets a not-to-subtle ego trip out of all of this, which is why, if OP really cares, she'll step back, not judge, like on her brother with compassion and MYOB!

Is it really so hard to believe that she is concerned about him? That seeing someone you love act in a way that is detrimental to his health is troubling? That doesn't "impact her life?" And how is that less of an impact on OP's life than if he was an addict?

I agree. The difference here is that there is such sensitivity over obesity, and understandably so, that sometimes those emotions cloud things. Reading back through the posts there are some posters who are working physically and medically trying to address the issue. Then there are a few who seem defensive and that's the lens through which OP is being advised.
Only OP knows her motives. And if she is genuinely concerned for his health and well being then waiting for an opportunity to discuss this with him in a caring manner seems the best course. Maybe if in that same conversation she also offered to be supportive and help in any way she can that will ease things too.
But OP, please be prepared that he may feel a little hurt, embarrassed, or defensive. Don't push. After the convo just be there to love, care about, and support him.

It's a sensitive subject because it really is a very personal health issue that others seem almost obligated in some way to chime in on. I can understand mentioning a suspicious mole to a person that they might not be aware of. But a person is almost always HIGHLY aware that they have a weight issue and they are often (quietly) addressing the matter themselves as best they can.

If it comes up in conversation and you think you might have something helpful to suggest then go for it. But otherwise, it probably is just better to butt out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another annoying one - invite them out to lunch or over to dinner to specifically "Model" good eating habits for them. Show them how much you know about portion control and teach them how to order off the menu.

My brother made me a special plate for breakfast. Scrambled egg whites, dry toast, coffee with splenda and skim milk. Everyone else had regular scrambled eggs, OJ, toast with butter and jelly, bacon, and coffee with cream and sugar.

Ha. Now that's a charmer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?

Oh, please, does it really impact OP's life? Or is it just a subtle, not-so-subtle-really attempt at one upmanship? No, obesity is not like alcoholism, drug addiction or second hand smoke. OP gets a not-to-subtle ego trip out of all of this, which is why, if OP really cares, she'll step back, not judge, like on her brother with compassion and MYOB!

Is it really so hard to believe that she is concerned about him? That seeing someone you love act in a way that is detrimental to his health is troubling? That doesn't "impact her life?" And how is that less of an impact on OP's life than if he was an addict?

I agree. The difference here is that there is such sensitivity over obesity, and understandably so, that sometimes those emotions cloud things. Reading back through the posts there are some posters who are working physically and medically trying to address the issue. Then there are a few who seem defensive and that's the lens through which OP is being advised.
Only OP knows her motives. And if she is genuinely concerned for his health and well being then waiting for an opportunity to discuss this with him in a caring manner seems the best course. Maybe if in that same conversation she also offered to be supportive and help in any way she can that will ease things too.
But OP, please be prepared that he may feel a little hurt, embarrassed, or defensive. Don't push. After the convo just be there to love, care about, and support him.

[quote=Anonymous]
OP said her brother is morbidly obese. That is, ipso facto, a health issue. [/quote]

That's a naming problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?

Oh, please, does it really impact OP's life? Or is it just a subtle, not-so-subtle-really attempt at one upmanship? No, obesity is not like alcoholism, drug addiction or second hand smoke. OP gets a not-to-subtle ego trip out of all of this, which is why, if OP really cares, she'll step back, not judge, like on her brother with compassion and MYOB!

Is it really so hard to believe that she is concerned about him? That seeing someone you love act in a way that is detrimental to his health is troubling? That doesn't "impact her life?" And how is that less of an impact on OP's life than if he was an addict?

Would it be helpful to you for a family member to rub your face in what (they view) are your own bad choices? Do you really need them to point out your failings to you? How you could do things better (like them)? Or would you find that to be highly intrusive, even insulting? Think about your own failings and how you want others to treat you.....think about what you really hope to accomplish before you speak.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I in no way would ever suggest she killed her baby. Obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure (which according to such organizations as NIH increase risk of preeclampsia) complicated her pregnancy,

No one knows what causes preeclampsia. Correspondence is not causation. Stop trying to defend your BS.

This is clearly a sore point for you, one in which we will clearly diverge.
As such, I am not going to threadjack this otherwise very useful conversation to debate a medical point.
Nor will I lower myself to a baseless, curse-filled back and forth with someone who has no sense of the situation and, I suspect, is merely trying to troll.
Please feel free to return to your regularly scheduled tirades.
Cheers!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?

Oh, please, does it really impact OP's life? Or is it just a subtle, not-so-subtle-really attempt at one upmanship? No, obesity is not like alcoholism, drug addiction or second hand smoke. OP gets a not-to-subtle ego trip out of all of this, which is why, if OP really cares, she'll step back, not judge, like on her brother with compassion and MYOB!

Is it really so hard to believe that she is concerned about him? That seeing someone you love act in a way that is detrimental to his health is troubling? That doesn't "impact her life?" And how is that less of an impact on OP's life than if he was an addict?

[quote][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different? [/quote]

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?[/quote]

When people with drug addictions or alcoholism need interventions it's usually gotten to the point where they've been arrested, lost jobs, have health problems, or aren't functioning in society. OP doesn't mention any health issues when she talks about her brother. If he had health issues related to the weight that would be a fair concern to express. [/quote][/quote]
OP said her brother is morbidly obese. That is, ipso facto, a health issue.

Anonymous wrote: I in no way would ever suggest she killed her baby. Obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure (which according to such organizations as NIH increase risk of preeclampsia) complicated her pregnancy,

No one knows what causes preeclampsia. Correspondence is not causation. Stop trying to defend your BS.

Yeah. He knows he is fat. I am fat too. I have a very stubborn thyroid and I am 3 years into medicating the stubborn thyroid and it won't come into normal limits and stay there. I eat healthy. I cook at home. I exercise daily -- 2 mile walk in the morning and 2 miles in the evening. I also swim for an hour or so each weekend day. I can't lose a pound to save my life. I have posted on this board a few times about my experience a few times and invariably someone chimes in and says I am lying. I'm not. I have gone through periods of very strict portion control and lose no weight. Then I give up and go through periods where I have a cookie once a month or soda once in a while and I am not so strict. The good news is I don't gain in my no so strict phases. It's hard though to gear up for another failure, but I do every few months like clockwork.