A MILLION POINTS TO YOU, OP, FOR WRITING THIS CLEARLY AND DIRECTLY AND SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO INSTEAD OF ASKING OUR PERMISSION TO SAY NO.

That is all.

Anonymous wrote:The whole "we don't need Xmas presents this year" line is simply gross. Your mother in law is a piece of work. And why is she giving you the shakedown?

Agreed. Ridiculous that she emailed YOU, not her own son. Also love the Xmas gift line. Honey, I hate to break it to you, but we don't spend that kind of money your Xmas gifts!

The whole "we don't need Xmas presents this year" line is simply gross. Your mother in law is a piece of work. And why is she giving you the shakedown?

If MIL is so offended that you all aren't going, then she should chip in for the cost of plane tickets. $800 each is completely insane.

Interesting how this is so important to MIL but makes no move to put her money where her mouth is. If she wants her beloved grandchildren there she should foot the bill, not pile on the pressure about saving for it. She is absurd. Who says that with 3 children this wedding is even something you WANT to save for? I can think of 3 college funds that would be a more worthwhile investment. Anyway, count yourself lucky that she is t offering to pay because then you have to decide if mothering three young children in a far away paradise is what you want to for a long weekend. Sounds dreadful. The way you are planning it is great. Your DH will get to have real quality time with his bro before his wedding, some downtime in a beautiful location while you have kindly offered to stay home watching all the kids. Sounds pretty kind and generous and smart to me! MIL just has a view of what the wedding needs to look like and you are playing and she's being a brat. Wonder what kind of headaches she's giving the bride to be and her family at this point...

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Here's an excerpt from MIL's e-mail (names are fake):

"I am still upset that all of you are not coming to Fred and Ginger's wedding. This is an important and joyous occasion that will happen once in a lifetime. Can't you find a way to save the money? It's over 6 months away. We don't need Christmas presents this year."

I did not respond and forwarded to DH. Sigh.

Tell MIL to check the divorce stats for Fred and Ginger.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Here's an excerpt from MIL's e-mail (names are fake):

"I am still upset that all of you are not coming to Fred and Ginger's wedding. This is an important and joyous occasion that will happen once in a lifetime. Can't you find a way to save the money? It's over 6 months away. We don't need Christmas presents this year."

I did not respond and forwarded to DH. Sigh.

And your response is"

"Dear MIL,

We would love to attend Fred and Ginger's shindig.
If you could just stop buying crack, I am sure the money you save you could give to us so that we can buy the plane tickets that we cannot afford"

signed yours truly in rehab

OP here again. Here's an excerpt from MIL's e-mail (names are fake):

"I am still upset that all of you are not coming to Fred and Ginger's wedding. This is an important and joyous occasion that will happen once in a lifetime. Can't you find a way to save the money? It's over 6 months away. We don't need Christmas presents this year."

I did not respond and forwarded to DH. Sigh.

OP, have you talked with the bride/future SIL? I'm sure she will understand your honest reasoning and should be thankful to you that your DH can get away for the event. Maybe if you start out your SIL relationship with honest regrets and understanding, you will have a friend in dealing with your shared MIL in the future. Just thinking ahead.

I am in total agreement that no one can expect anyone (let alone a family with 3 small kids) to spend thousands on their fantasy wedding. Crazy. I was in a similar situation, close cousin with a destination wedding in Mexico, my 3 kids were 1, 3, 5 at the time and I remember sending a note with the rsvp to explain that the logistics just wouldn't work out for us.

Lucky DH, vacation with no kids, things like this always work in my DH's favor too.

Do not let this WEDDING cause marital problems between you and your dh (how ironic that would be). MIL obviously has some unrealistic expectations regarding your attendance. People who plan these destination events know full well that not everyone, including family, will be able to attend - some don't have the money, some can't get the time off, some have other vacation plans, some need to be at home for their children, etc.

Couples who plan destination weddings do so because they want a small wedding! That's the whole point. They know it will price a lot of people out and that's exactly what they want - exotic, intimate, small gathering of closest loved ones.

OP - your DH going on his own is great. Have no guilt about keeping the kids home. Your MIL can say her peace but when you express your regrets for not being able to attend, I bet your BIL & SIL-to-be will not be at all heart broken.

I didn't attend my brother's out of state wedding due to financial concerns 22 years ago.

We all survived just fine.

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably going to be the only one saying this, but I'd make more of an effort. What kind of destination? Somewhere you could actually make a vacation out of?

I do think mil is overstepping it a bit with her comments. Also, not the most considerate of uncle.

I will say, if you don't go, you sure as hell better not be taking any Disney vacations or anything like that for the next couple of years. If I was uncle and found out about a Disney vacation that year, I'd be really pissed.

You would be pissed ... why?

Because you think your destination wedding trumps all vis-a-vis how your extended family spends their money? And you are entitled to opine on others' financial decisions?

Really?

I also had a destination wedding. A lot of my family couldn't come, and I was absolutely fine with it. To be honest, I did not want a big wedding anyway, and I instructed guests that I didn't need any gifts. It was a win-win. People felt fine about not going, didn't feel stuck getting us a huge present, and I didn't feel bad inviting people I knew couldn't/wouldn't come.

Your BIL is probably secretly thrilled his noisy nephews and nieces can't come. MIL is just stupid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely absurd for you all to go. Don't give it another thought. If MIL calls, immediately hand phone to your DH. If she emails, forward to him. This is his unreasonable mother, his problem.

Yep. And DH really owes you an apology for letting you walk into that. He should have either told her, or told you that he's waiting until later to tell her so you could have changed the subject. The fact that you bore the brunt of her wrath instead of him is really obnoxious of him.

Agreed! This is not really a destination wedding issue (of course it's fine for you not to go if you can't afford it and/or it will be a PIA to schlep your kids there) or even a MIL issue (of course she was wrong to get all up in your business about your finances and vacation decisions). It's a relationship issue. Why is your DH letting you take the heat for this and just absenting himself?