Anonymous wrote:My DH is OK around his family. He really enjoys talking to them, and I entertain the kids which is fine although starts to get tiring after hours and hours. They are local and we only all get together maybe 6 times a year. Plus, my DH is a saint to my family who are no picnic.

My SIL is very worried that her parents and larger family might like me more than her. So she cuts down my kids (both to our faces and behind our backs) and gives me suggestions - like, Don't buy cousin Lilly a gift, she's so rich! or Don't go to Kevin and Kelly's wedding - it's so inconvenient for you!

At present I have somehow wronged her, so she is making very tiny jibes at my kids and me on facebook. I know, i just need to not worry about it. In due course, i will be acceptable to her again, and someone else will have wronged her. Her husband and kids are awesome.

My DH defends her, "Michelle had such a hard time in middle school!" That covers about 50% of the population.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know what you mean and I think some of the PPs are missing your point.

We all revert back to our little selves when around our families of origin and it can be very unnerving to see a spouse do so. I've noticed the same thing in my DH"s family, which is fairly dysfunctional if you ask me, and he is the most sane of the group. In his attempts to normalize their weirdness, he becomes more outspoken, thinks he's a real comedian and will do anything (including make pokes at me) to get them to laugh, so that it will appear that we're all having "fun" together. Ha Ha. Realizing that it's always been that way, long before I entered the picture, helps. I try not to take it personally, but I know it's hard.

After 12 years of marriage I've accepted that I'm only going to fit into this family to a certain minimal degree. And that's fine. I minimize the time I have to spent there, while being conscious of the fact that I do want my kids to know their (equally weird) cousins. It's a delicate balance but try to find a middle ground and realize that he probably doesn't even realize what he's doing/ saying.

Anonymous wrote:This is such a helpful & good read. As I am looked at as a junior mom.

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar dynamic with my husband. We never vacation together but since his family is out of town we always stay with family members when we visit. My husband definitely gets wrapped up in his family and their dynamics- also likes to go out with his siblings to movies often- resulting in me staying home and taking care of the kids. We have tried discussing it and while he agrees- it always seems to have the same unpleasant end result.

It is easier now that the kids are older but basically what works for me is minimizing time with the larger group-
-go to bed when you put your kids to sleep (bring a book)
-go for walks with or without your husband
-plan a day or a few hours with your husband and kids
-grit your teeth and power through it but don't put up w/ disrespect
-if family is driving me nuts, I play with kids/ read newspaper

I know what you mean about not having access to a car to visit your aunt. When we are with his family-if I go anywhere - they act like I am committing a crime-a weird shaming thing that is seriously not usually worth the blowback.

I feel for you.