Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Uh, yeah, that was immediately apparent from your snappish, superior tone.

Please don't lecture us liberal white District residents who've been living in DC since long before you were applying to Oberlin from your parents' Main Line living room. You're not trail blazing here.

OPs tone was cringeworthy and, while it is preferable than unrepentant hostility, yes, it smacks of gross noblisse oblige.

Since you know me so well, you must then already know these facts:

Yes, I'm white. My adopted child is not. My partner and I moved to Shaw more than a decade ago, thinking that'd be a good decision given our intention to adopt an AA child. It remains a good decision, and our child is happy here.

I grew up dirt poor and was lucky enough to manage a state school in the middle of nowhere. Who's stereotyping now?

If saying that people don't need to jump down OP's throat for asking a well-intentioned question makes me sound superior, so be it. If it's just that I write in complete, logical sentences, I'll try to break it down for you a bit next time.

Maybe OP wasn't completely in control of her tone, but I personally read the post completely differently than a number of respondents.

Bottom line, I'm just trying to be human, and asking bitchy people to cut OP some slack I don't see the problem with that, and I'm really not sure why you do.

Just get therapy. Seriously. And leave the poor people alone. They don't want anything to do with your white guilt and other undesirables. They just want to live happy like everyone else. The bad vibes from "white liberal gentrifiers, etc..." is just not wanted. Misery loves company- why don't you unleash your beast on other white liberal gentrifiers so you all can act altruistic together while smoking dope and screaming about corporations from your iPhones and Crate and Barrel couches. Gross!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:for starters, never use the phrase "liberal activist gentrifiers," even anonymously and tongue-in-cheek.

+1

+2. I immediately felt sorry for the other parents when I read this.

+3 yuck

Christ, people, really? I appreciate that OP is decent enough to be thinking about this. Not everyone does when faced with the same situation. (I'm recalling efforts at F-S in the not-too-distant past. I happened to be only slightly familiar with those efforts, but was in a meeting or two with a bunch of "liberal activist gentrifiers" who wouldn't have used the phrase ironically, or maybe even known it could be ironic. Their whole style was offensive, and even if I'd liked what was going on at F-S, I couldn't have stomached having to interact with those "concerned" parents who were somehow completely unconcerned with the families who got there before them. Frankly, I bet some of you are a lot like some of them. Anonymity does crazy things, no?

And yeah, I'm a white liberal activist gentrifier, and a good bit of that is true whether I want it to be or not. (But you're all sophisticated enough to know that race is a white issue too, right?) Like OP, I'm at least interested enough in other people to know that's likely how they see me, at least at first, regardless of my own ideas of who I want to be as a member of whatever community I'm engaged with at the time. Just exactly what's wrong with not wanting to alienate people? OP never said her assumption was that all people would immediately believe that about her. Still, you're an idiot if you don't know that some will. Or have you never made an assumption or been subject to stereotyping another?

Such a bunch of mean girls with such talent for turning good intentions into another sign the Apocalypse is near. I hope DCUM is all just some bizarre experiment and none of you are actually raising children.

Just like we said- YUCK! Wearing an agenda on your sleeve and then wiping it all over the poor souls (i.e. parents and kids who go to the school) who have to be exposed to you is yuck in the least. We're already drained listening to that contrived nonsense. Why don't you try being authentic and respectful. That'll go a long way. The "I'm a white gentrifier apologist or whatever" is insulting and patronizing to families and guess what, they're a lot smarter than you think. Again, feeling really badly for parents who have to inherit your baggage when you inject yourself unwanted into their world.

Anonymous wrote:

Uh, yeah, that was immediately apparent from your snappish, superior tone.

Please don't lecture us liberal white District residents who've been living in DC since long before you were applying to Oberlin from your parents' Main Line living room. You're not trail blazing here.

OPs tone was cringeworthy and, while it is preferable than unrepentant hostility, yes, it smacks of gross noblisse oblige.

Since you know me so well, you must then already know these facts:

Yes, I'm white. My adopted child is not. My partner and I moved to Shaw more than a decade ago, thinking that'd be a good decision given our intention to adopt an AA child. It remains a good decision, and our child is happy here.

I grew up dirt poor and was lucky enough to manage a state school in the middle of nowhere. Who's stereotyping now?

If saying that people don't need to jump down OP's throat for asking a well-intentioned question makes me sound superior, so be it. If it's just that I write in complete, logical sentences, I'll try to break it down for you a bit next time.

Maybe OP wasn't completely in control of her tone, but I personally read the post completely differently than a number of respondents.

Bottom line, I'm just trying to be human, and asking bitchy people to cut OP some slack I don't see the problem with that, and I'm really not sure why you do.

The teachers will take things home every night to prepare for the next day.

Ask what you can do so that they do not need to do things like cut out items and let them focus on more stratgic things - or even just relaxing and going out with friends.

my children's teachers respond to emails at 10PM or 6AM - they are obviously dedicated and working hard. I want them to have opportunities to refresh so they can be their best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:for starters, never use the phrase "liberal activist gentrifiers," even anonymously and tongue-in-cheek.

+1

+2. I immediately felt sorry for the other parents when I read this.

+3 yuck

Christ, people, really? I appreciate that OP is decent enough to be thinking about this. Not everyone does when faced with the same situation. (I'm recalling efforts at F-S in the not-too-distant past. I happened to be only slightly familiar with those efforts, but was in a meeting or two with a bunch of "liberal activist gentrifiers" who wouldn't have used the phrase ironically, or maybe even known it could be ironic. Their whole style was offensive, and even if I'd liked what was going on at F-S, I couldn't have stomached having to interact with those "concerned" parents who were somehow completely unconcerned with the families who got there before them. Frankly, I bet some of you are a lot like some of them. Anonymity does crazy things, no?

And yeah, I'm a white liberal activist gentrifier, and a good bit of that is true whether I want it to be or not. (But you're all sophisticated enough to know that race is a white issue too, right?) Like OP, I'm at least interested enough in other people to know that's likely how they see me, at least at first, regardless of my own ideas of who I want to be as a member of whatever community I'm engaged with at the time. Just exactly what's wrong with not wanting to alienate people? OP never said her assumption was that all people would immediately believe that about her. Still, you're an idiot if you don't know that some will. Or have you never made an assumption or been subject to stereotyping another?

Such a bunch of mean girls with such talent for turning good intentions into another sign the Apocalypse is near. I hope DCUM is all just some bizarre experiment and none of you are actually raising children.

Uh, yeah, that was immediately apparent from your snappish, superior tone.

Please don't lecture us liberal white District residents who've been living in DC since long before you were applying to Oberlin from your parents' Main Line living room. You're not trail blazing here.

OPs tone was cringeworthy and, while it is preferable than unrepentant hostility, yes, it smacks of gross noblisse oblige.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was you last year. We are staying at our EOTP school.

A few words of advice:

- Be present when you can. Observe. Help. Get to know kids and parents.

- Realize people may resent or be skeptical of you. Even teachers. Be respectful, and disregard it as best you can.

- Do the PTA thing, but don't invest too much in it. Your kid is so young and sometimes PTA's aren't the way to change things. At our school, the PTA has well meaning members but it's not really a game changer. Our school has bigger issues than bake sales, and sometimes what you really need to do is talk to the principal or volunteer your time or ideas. That said, we attended meetings, and the public forum was a nice opportunity.

- Talk to everyone. I had the nicest little group of parents and grandparents that I "hung out" with at pick-up daily. We were incredibly diverse in ways that transcend ethnicity (age, jobs, life experience, relationship to the kid we were caring for), and after talking for 2-15 minutes daily for months, we realized we had a lot in common just by having similarly aged kids in our lives. We knew about each other's days and traffic tickets and families in a way that you don't get from car pool line. It created a nice sense of community. If there was a school issue (for example, we were all upset that there was little notice given for field trips) we could discuss it together and form an alliance to approach the school. That was nice.

- Don't expect things to change too much. Our school has poor testing scores and deals with a lot of organizational and fundamentally non-academic issues and isn't going to work for us for compulsory school (K and up). We hoped it might, but I just don't think it will. But we still are invested in being part of and improving the early education experience, because that's where change often starts with these DCPS schools. If the long term doesn't work out, don't be disheartened.

- Give money if you can. It helps. $200 takes the burden off of the preschool to worry about if everyone can go on a field trip and lets them focus on something else that's more important. I only suggest this because you said you're high SES and want to help. This helps.

Best post on this thread. The bolded part is especially important. Wanting to help is one thing. Wanting to help regardless of the result is the best thing. It will help guard against the frustrations I often feel from liberal activist gentrifiers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop writing troll posts, for starters. I think you're a poser attempting to stir up race shit. You'll succeed, bc that's what we do here on dcum. In 5 more posts, a high SES AA mom will respond that she wants the same for her child.

Alternatively you're a hack contract reporter writing an post and want us to give you material. Which we will undoubtedly do.

Hi I'm OP. Call me a troll, awesome, I can take it. But my kid is starting preschool this month and I want to help out without being a jerk.

Your post already shows your jerk-like behavior, so this is going to be really uphill road for you.

I was in your situation, OP. We are not high SES but we are well-educated and do OK, certainly better than a lot of families with kids in DCPS. I am a graduate of DCPS so I had the experience of being the significant white minority at a school and also being somewhat or a lot better off financially than my peers.

I think that you are right to just think through what steps you can take to avoid missteps. I did experience open hostility when we first started at the school. It's hard to miss people flat out ignoring your friendly "hi." It's hard to ignore people staring at you with an outright nasty look while you are trying to help out the school.

Things I did that worked well (or seemed to): helped out once a week in the classroom. It helped me get to know the kids really well. Then at school events or pick-up time, the kids would greet me with a big smile, wave, hug, and that would open the door to chatting with their parents. It just seemed to break down barriers. I didn't do it for that reason, really, I did it because I had time but not money and wanted to be a part of my kids' school. But it did have that extra added benefit plus the teachers appreciated it. We have zero spare money, but I would always round up the field trip money, say $10 instead of $7, figuring that that could help the teacher help out another kid.

I was always super friendly to everyone. We also were the 1st white family to move on our block since the riots, according to our wonderful neighbors, and I think it really helped that we are just a normal family. When we first arrived we had one crappy 2-door American car. At school, judging from what the kids and adults said, our lives were certainly less glamorous and full of extras than a lot of the other families'.

I think the biggest misunderstanding I had is that, just because the school had a high FARMS rate and was almost all AA, didn't mean that there weren't plenty of strongly middle class AA families. So for example out of a class of 25 kids, there were a few middle class white kids, several middle class AA kids, and then some low-income kids. Only a handful were misbehaved in any way and my kid was certainly not perfect, still isn't. They had a lot to offer and the were/are great kids. Even though I had wonderful friends from similar backgrounds in high school and almost no white friends to speak of, somehow the "hype" got to me when it came to sending my own kids to school. Luckily we didn't have money for private and fell in love with the school we picked and it allowed me to see how wrong I was. I agree that it can be daunting to join a group who, by the statistics, seem to be vastly different from you. On the other hand, often, as we did, you will realize that they are only different from you in some surface ways that aren't so deep. We were in a rapidly gentrifying school, though, so I wonder what it would have been like if there hadn't been a small group of families like ours the first year and then more each year until now.

I agree with the gloves, supplies to the specials teachers, and not trying to be TOO overtly involved the first year. There are a lot of little ways you can quietly be very helpful and then that also allows you to get the lay of the land and figure out more ways to help.

Good luck OP. Being aware of differences is not a bad thing. It helps you to be a better person and pretending that there isn't a fundamental difference between an extremely low income family and a high-SES one is ridiculous. Just realize that to the kids the differences are going to be less of a big deal and once you get to know the other kids and adults you will realize that the differences aren't as big a deal as people would have you believe.

Anonymous wrote:Be aware of the little things.

Drop tissues off and hand sanitizer. Just leave it on the desk without making a big deal.

Ask the specials teachers if there is anything they need (they never get tissues so offer this to start - as well as sponges for the art teacher)

Don't be the benefactor - there are things that others can do - let them.

Talk to the school counselor - tell them you got too many hand-me downs and ask if they have a need.

Drop of the multiple packs of gloves so the teacher has them for when a child forgets them.

When bookfair comes ask if there is any child who will not have the funds to buy a book - ask if you can donate a special certificate so that they can pick one out.

+1 to all of this, although you can feel free to ask the teacher what she needs. We did. Dropping it off seems condescending to me and reeks of white guilt that people will pick up on.

Be aware of the little things.

Drop tissues off and hand sanitizer. Just leave it on the desk without making a big deal.

Ask the specials teachers if there is anything they need (they never get tissues so offer this to start - as well as sponges for the art teacher)

Don't be the benefactor - there are things that others can do - let them.

Talk to the school counselor - tell them you got too many hand-me downs and ask if they have a need.

Drop of the multiple packs of gloves so the teacher has them for when a child forgets them.

When bookfair comes ask if there is any child who will not have the funds to buy a book - ask if you can donate a special certificate so that they can pick one out.

I agree with the mean girls poster. Sheesh, the woman was asking for advice on how to navigate an unfamiliar situation without giving offense. To pile on like this is really unflattering.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take issue with the stereotypes perpetuated in this thread. Just because OP believes and identifies and self-stereotypes, doesn't mean it's a good thing. In fact, it's bad precisely for those reasons.

Do you think she was being serious?

I suspect that OP was just using shorthand for a bunch of stereotypes about white urban women with which we're all well-acquainted, and which get to the heart of how she may soon be perceived. (Bless her for her brevity, which is more than I can say for myself.) The truth is that those perceptions often stand, at least for a while, when people meet unfamilar others. Now, whether or not those perceptions are realistic is a whole different matter.

Anyway, I get the whole "the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house" thing (even though OP isn't exactly in a position of oppression in this instance), but I equally believe in our right to define ourselves how we choose. (Just ask anyone who's oppressed. The negation of our self-definitions is why stereotypes are dangerous, I think.)

Ironically, in this case a bunch of posters have done exactly that...defined OP without really knowing her. Wouldn't you say?

I think she pretty much defined herself.

Anonymous wrote:I take issue with the stereotypes perpetuated in this thread. Just because OP believes and identifies and self-stereotypes, doesn't mean it's a good thing. In fact, it's bad precisely for those reasons.

Do you think she was being serious?

I suspect that OP was just using shorthand for a bunch of stereotypes about white urban women with which we're all well-acquainted, and which get to the heart of how she may soon be perceived. (Bless her for her brevity, which is more than I can say for myself.) The truth is that those perceptions often stand, at least for a while, when people meet unfamilar others. Now, whether or not those perceptions are realistic is a whole different matter.

Anyway, I get the whole "the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house" thing (even though OP isn't exactly in a position of oppression in this instance), but I equally believe in our right to define ourselves how we choose. (Just ask anyone who's oppressed. The negation of our self-definitions is why stereotypes are dangerous, I think.)

Ironically, in this case a bunch of posters have done exactly that...defined OP without really knowing her. Wouldn't you say?

Anonymous wrote:You can't do anything really. You are just trying to assuage your white guilt by getting the poor people to like you, and thereby obscure the fact that they are being screwed over by the system. So just don't take any anger personally. Don't demand that poor people like you so you feel less guilty about gentrifying!

If you really want to do something, then fight for an increased minimum wage and better social supports.

Oh, please. This is the other extreme. Guess what? My AA neighbors don't hate me because I'm successful and do well for myself. They've gotten to know me, I've gotten to know them, and many of us have similar backgrounds - grew up working class, went to college, busted our asses, work hard. They appreciate that we have been good neighbors who treat people with mutual respect. They don't expect us to be activists for the poor any more than they are which is to say, people who are informed, who care and who vote.

You can't do anything really. You are just trying to assuage your white guilt by getting the poor people to like you, and thereby obscure the fact that they are being screwed over by the system. So just don't take any anger personally. Don't demand that poor people like you so you feel less guilty about gentrifying!

If you really want to do something, then fight for an increased minimum wage and better social supports.