Anonymous wrote:Seems like a lot of elderly people are unsure of what to do with their retirements. Their jobs are over, and now what? I saw this in my own family. Older relatives expect a sort of ROI from the younger people. Yes, they want more time with grandkids, yes they want their children to look after them and do things for them. I understand all of that and that grandkids are a joy to them, but it's not the younger generations' duty to give the older ones purpose. That said, either they are adults or they are not adults. When I became an adult my parents expected me to manage my own time, find work while I was home from college, find hobbies, use my time wisely and not follow them around waiting for them to entertain me all the time. Why can't elderly family members do the same (especially if they are healthy and of sound mind)?

Sounds like your parents were not giving you attention you wanted and you feel it's ok to punish them. Maybe it is, but many people had better parents and better relationships.

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like your dad gave up his home and now you and the rest of the fam get to use it...you said he fixes stuff and helps you out..he's lonely and wants to spend time with you. You're even complaining about how he shows up when you're wearing PJs, which sounds a bit overdramatic to say the least. So what if he sits down and has a soda. Think about how you want your own children to treat you when you're retired, alone, and have given them use of your former home. Would you want to be locked out and told to leave?

The PJ stuff is so over the top. He changed your dirty diapers but now he can't see you without full makeup.

Anonymous wrote:I understand the need to have time with your parents while you can, but that doesn't mean being at his beck and call. And yes, he is lonely and she should help, but wanting to be able to do the things she needs to do and to have him understand some basic health and safety rules does not make her controlling.

Having said all that, I think OP and her family need to find a different place to vacation. Or work/vacation (really? None of you have ever had to put in a few hours every day while on vacation?).

I have, but not at scheduled times for exactly 2 hours every day.

I understand the need to have time with your parents while you can, but that doesn't mean being at his beck and call. And yes, he is lonely and she should help, but wanting to be able to do the things she needs to do and to have him understand some basic health and safety rules does not make her controlling.

Having said all that, I think OP and her family need to find a different place to vacation. Or work/vacation (really? None of you have ever had to put in a few hours every day while on vacation?).

Anonymous wrote:OP. I will try not to make this sound bitchy. I get it's an annoyance to you to have your dad come over all the time. My dad used to do the same thing. It annoyed me when it wasn't on my schedule sometimes, I do have to admit. He had a key and dropped by whenever. He is the only parent I had nearby. He helped out a lot (with the house, with the kids etc...). He dropped dead alone in his apartment one day last year. Now I really miss the unannounced visits or stopping by on his way out to someplace else.

Sorry for your loss. This is true. We are so busy that we miss out sometimes for what is most important. I would give anything to have my grandmother back. We made time for her but when you look at the big picture we missed out on a lot. Why do we always learn these lessons too late.

Anonymous wrote:OP could try your suggestion, but, based on what she's written about her father, it sounds like he prefers to come over on his schedule, not hers. I doubt he'll accept her invitation.

She could work around that. She knows her dad tends to stop by, and it's pretty clear they need to have a conversation. So next time he stops by, unless she's doing something she absolutely cannot stop, have the conversation then. Sure, it's inconvenient for her, but sometimes grownups deal with things being inconvenient. Then, if I were her, I'd throw myself under the bus. "Dad, the kids and I love seeing you on our vacation, but as you know I like to plan things ahead of time. You are so much more in-the-moment than I am! *laugh* Since this is a working vacation for me, I'm getting stressed by plan disruptions. Can we set aside some time [each|every other] day when you can drop in? And I think it would be great for the kids to be able to go horse back riding with you! What a thoughtful idea. Unfortunately Bart's allergic to horses. I know! How awful. Would you be willing to take Jane and Fred horseback riding, and then maybe do something special with Bart? He particularly enjoys taxidermy and there's that fabulous museum in the next town. What do you think?" Only you know, much less monologue-y and more conversational-y.

And then, actually set aside 15 minutes or whatever when her dad drops in, and pay attention to him. You know, like you do with your kid when you realize you haven't really focused on him for the past few days because your head has been somewhere else. At the end of those 15 minutes, tell dad he can stick around if he wants, but you've got to take a call and you're really looking forward to seeing him again tomorrow!

IOW, I think there's a way to be gentle, understanding that he's probably lonely and really wants to spend time with his family, and still have good boundaries so you can do the things you need to do. Oh, and even if you're not a touchy-feely family, it might not be a bad idea to try and give him some physical affection (shoulder pat, whatever). I've read that for older folks that's a serious craving as they spend a lot more time alone. I come from a very physically distant family, but my mom's gotten somewhat huggy as she's gotten older.

OP sounds like your dad gave up his home and now you and the rest of the fam get to use it...you said he fixes stuff and helps you out..he's lonely and wants to spend time with you. You're even complaining about how he shows up when you're wearing PJs, which sounds a bit overdramatic to say the least. So what if he sits down and has a soda. Think about how you want your own children to treat you when you're retired, alone, and have given them use of your former home. Would you want to be locked out and told to leave?

Seems like a lot of elderly people are unsure of what to do with their retirements. Their jobs are over, and now what? I saw this in my own family. Older relatives expect a sort of ROI from the younger people. Yes, they want more time with grandkids, yes they want their children to look after them and do things for them. I understand all of that and that grandkids are a joy to them, but it's not the younger generations' duty to give the older ones purpose. That said, either they are adults or they are not adults. When I became an adult my parents expected me to manage my own time, find work while I was home from college, find hobbies, use my time wisely and not follow them around waiting for them to entertain me all the time. Why can't elderly family members do the same (especially if they are healthy and of sound mind)?

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, without more context into what the issues are with your dad, you sound like a bitch. He's obviously lonely. Why can't you tell him to come by at a certain time every day? And why can't he take the kids for aday? So they miss one day of camp. They'll have great memories with their grandfather.

AGREE! Plus, she sounds like she values him only for the work he contributes to their family. Loosen the hell up, OP. when he dies you'll regret all of this. You are not that important. Besides you're on vacation.

OP, the situation has changed. I gather that at one time the family vacation house was a haven to go to and have a vacation on your own schedule. Now that your Dad lives nearby he views it as his retirement to spend as he pleases visiting whenever he pleases. You have to go with that somehow. He does not buy that you have to work 2 hours a day on your vacation. Actually, that does not make sense. If it is a vacation, why are you working? So you are WOH from the family vacation home? I think your POV (your dad's and yours) are so different that it may just not work.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. Yes, he's lonely. Why don't you take the "offensive" and invite him over in the morning. Get the visit done. Do something with him and the kids--breakfast, go for a walk, go to playground. Then by 10:30am, let him know you need to get some work done.

OP could try your suggestion, but, based on what she's written about her father, it sounds like he prefers to come over on his schedule, not hers. I doubt he'll accept her invitation.

OP, I hope you won't let PPs dissuade you from your policy of not letting your father drive your children. If his driving habits are like you describe, it would certainly be a bad idea to let him drive them.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. Yes, he's lonely. Why don't you take the "offensive" and invite him over in the morning. Get the visit done. Do something with him and the kids--breakfast, go for a walk, go to playground. Then by 10:30am, let him know you need to get some work done.

This is actually a great idea

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Sorry, but I have to vent. After he left, he called me 15 minutes later and asked to take the kids for the day tomorrow. I told him we already had our week planned out and that was why we made plans with him for Saturday and that I really, truly needed to get back to work. Then 15 minutes later, he texted me telling me that he really needs to talk to me. Honestly, WTF?!? I'm losing it.

He's dropping by the house because he can't seem to get anywhere with you on the phone. It's clear that he wants to spend a little time with you and the grand kids. Your only in town for a week and it sounds as though you are totally blowing him off until the very last day when you'll probably be too busy packing up to spend any real time with him.

Your dad has offered to take your kids horseback riding and you've nixed that idea because one of the kids has allergies. You might want to talk to your pediatrician and see if the allergies can be controlled with allergy meds. If so, there is no reason for your kids to miss this experience with grandpa, the memories will last them a lifetime. If not, then you need to TALK to your dad and try to figure out something else that he would like to do with his grand kids.

OP, my own dad died after a lengthy and heart wrenching illness before my own children were even born. Don't take this time that you have with your own dad for granted. He wants to do something with the grand kids? Let him! You're worried about him driving/being attentive? Go with!

It sounds like until recently this was his home. Did he leave it voluntarily? Is he happy in his new place?

Sounds like the house and family are important to him and where he wants to be.

I agree with the others, give him a designated time to come over each day for a little visit.

If you want a private vacation, simply do not go to the family vacation house, especially if your father lives nearby and wants to drop by and see you a lot. That's all there is to it. I don't think there is any ethical or inoffensive way you can keep him from coming by.

I'm sorry you have to work two hours a day on your vacation. I would not consider that a vacation at all.

As others have said, consider his perspective. Think about how one day your kids will be grown, and will dread having you around. Heartbreaking, isn't it.