Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the heartfelt answers from some of you.

I talked to SIL who volunteered to stay at a hotel. She mentioned she had gone through lots of therapy and help from al-anon and I can tell she has changed a lot. She was definitely his number one enabler for a long time, but she seems different and more grounded.

Basically we will see them in neutral settings for three days. I feel okay about this, and I think it's good for us to check out BIL but in a safe space where he can't endanger our kids. As for the keys, I should clarify that I don't let my kid run around with them. But she has gotten them before. I was visualizing a situation where she swiped them and BIL got to them. Also our car is parked blocks and blocks away, so it's not a situation where she could wander in an attached garage and lock herself in. I wouldn't get a "mistake" fake key because of the watch battery in the opener. She has her toys r us keys and that is usually enough.

Thanks for your help. I feel much better.

OP, great news! So glad you talked to SIL and she has changed. So glad you worked something out where you could have a nice visit and not feel stressed with worry. You rock, OP! We can all learn from you.

OP here. Thanks for the heartfelt answers from some of you.

I talked to SIL who volunteered to stay at a hotel. She mentioned she had gone through lots of therapy and help from al-anon and I can tell she has changed a lot. She was definitely his number one enabler for a long time, but she seems different and more grounded.

Basically we will see them in neutral settings for three days. I feel okay about this, and I think it's good for us to check out BIL but in a safe space where he can't endanger our kids. As for the keys, I should clarify that I don't let my kid run around with them. But she has gotten them before. I was visualizing a situation where she swiped them and BIL got to them. Also our car is parked blocks and blocks away, so it's not a situation where she could wander in an attached garage and lock herself in. I wouldn't get a "mistake" fake key because of the watch battery in the opener. She has her toys r us keys and that is usually enough.

Thanks for your help. I feel much better.

Um, I guess I should be ashamed too but there's no way I would allow him in my house, near my kids, etc. Meet them somewhere for a day if you must, but that's it.

Why don't you suggest to your husband and SIL that they have a siblings only weekend some place that is NOT your home? They could go somewhere to see a concert or go see their parents or do something together that they both like to do.

My brother and I took my kids rafting this spring. It was awesome.

Anonymous wrote:

(And, you need to stop your DD from carrying around your keys. You can get her some keys to play with from any place they make keys. You can buy the 'mistakes' for really cheap and get her her own keyring).

Considering that a kid of two years old locked himself in the trunk of a car recently, with the keys along with him, and died there -- please don't let DD carry your keys around. You don't want to hear that, yeah, and it's off topic, absolutely, but as the person above posts - you really can get her some pretend keys of her own that open nothing. As for BIL, your husband needs to be the point person communicating with SIL about all this, not you. His family, his job.

You really haven't provided enough information for us to fully answer your question. From the brief info you provided, it would seem you're over-reacting and I say this as someone whose father and brothers were major substance abuse users and dealers. From your initial post, I would say you are overreacting. In some of your follow up posts, you hint at more history. My response is that, as with any recovering addict, you should have nothing in the house that would tempt an addict. That doesn't mean you have to through it out. Take it to a neighbor's, take it to the office, lock it up. Have your DH set clear boundaries for your SIL/BIL. No indulging in substances and your BIL doesn't drive (that's usually a restriction anyway for people who have DUIs). It's three days. His addiction should be an issue. However, if you have other issues with him, that's different. Being in recovery shouldn't prevent a visit to your home.

(And, you need to stop your DD from carrying around your keys. You can get her some keys to play with from any place they make keys. You can buy the 'mistakes' for really cheap and get her her own keyring).

I have a drug addict brother, and I think you are being a little harsh. If he is currently in a sober living facility, personally I would think that it was okay, given that rules were set.

1. The sister should be asked how long he has been sober. If she explodes at the question, do not let them come. If she talks about it rationally, then let them.

2. There will be absolutely no driving of the car, and the keys will not be out of my sight (don't give them to your kid, that is a bad idea in general, and is really not good in this situation).

3. If there is any indication that he is drinking, he is gone. Period.

4. Any other behavior rules if there are other issues that he has - does he curse? No cursing. etc.

Otherwise, I would have no concerns if the problem is alcohol (I have others with other drugs as remission occurs differently; for instance, in my house, as crack is the problem, I would not give my brother the key as I want to be able to control entry to the house and determine whether the situation has changed, as the effects of these drugs manifest differently).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it be insulting to my SIL to ask her this? She's easily insulted and loves to forget the past, so I think she will just explode if I say "hey how long has he been sober?"

We and you cannot control what your SIL will think. If you avoid talking to her because you're afraid she'll be insulted, you have failed to take the steps necessary to protect yourself and your family. Don't give her that kind of control over you. You know the Serenity prayer, right - Change the things you can (talk directly to SIL and DIL), accept the things you can't change (SIL and BIL's reaction) and hope God or whatever spiritual power there is out there will give you the wisdom to know the difference.

BTW, you might want to check out an Al-Anon meeting and bring up this topic or you might want to do some reading about the family dynamics of alcoholics because it sounds like you all are getting swept up into it. Which is no criticism of you - I've been there, done that -- it's easy to fall into. Just want to point out that your fear of her exploding - which is keeping you from saying something - sounds like it fits right into an alcoholic family.

Good luck, OP! Let us know how it goes!

+1000

No. He can not come to visit. When you make mistakes there are consequences. People do not get sober by everybody being nice, they get sober by everybody NOT being nice.

I have 3 brothers who are alcoholics.

The one everybody tried to help is dead.
The two everybody said - DO NOT COME TO MY HOUSE UNLESS YOU ARE SOBER - are sober.

Guess what alcoholics do the day they leave rehab - drink - the day they leave sober living - drink. They do not say, you know I will stay sober while I am at my brothers - then I will drink.

If he is in sober living (which sounds to me was court ordered) he needs to stay there until the courts, counselors, etc think he is ready. Then he needs to live on his own for a few months sober, then I would welcome back into my life.

Funny, your SIL won't let him stay at her house but she wants you to let him stay at your house. No WAY!

Anonymous wrote:Op again. You think he's okay? My SIL blames herself for DUI #2 because she left the car keys out. He drove to a bar and the rest is history. He called us after he was arrested for public drunkenness and basically said that he didn't have a problem, but the "man" has a problem with him. Other family members do not think he has hit rock bottom yet, and he hasn't acknowledged he is an alcoholic.

If he has not acknowledged he is an alcoholic and sister blames HERSELF...i would not have them in my home...they are a walking enabling disaster

Anonymous wrote:I'm nasty to those who know nothing about me but are quick to jump on my back. I didn't mention anything about how many times my husband and I have helped this guy only to get burned ovr and over again. So I have my doubts about him and his alleged sobriety.

I think it's worth noting not all rehabs are alike. So I don't know how serious he is about sobriety. And I think it's unfair of my SIL to not tell us anything about his state and assume we will open our doors (again).

But it is 3 days. My dc loves to walk around with the car keys in her hand and leave them around the house. Afraid he will grab them. There is a bar 2 blocks from my house. This is what worries me.

I imagine you have figured out by now how to keep certain things out of your child's hands -- if not, you have bigger problems bc your kid is probably guzzling prescription drugs and drain cleaner right now. Clearly you don't like this guy but it's your DH's family and your DH gets to be part of the decision. It's only 3 days after all. You haven't articulated anything that would suggest a legitimate danger to your child that you cannot mitigate. In fact, you sound petty and small.