Anonymous wrote:The worst thing for her will be if your husband spends too much time at work, leaves the planning of activities up to you, doesn't make it obvious to her that she is a priority for him, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Try to take her out once while she is here with just you and her - get a manicure, go to lunch, stop at Georgetown cupcakes or some other cupcake shop. Do it early in the visit. Let her know you are happy she is spending time with you guys and communicate that through actions as well as words.

And FYI - she might have some sullen looks! That is what 13 is all about.

No chores, treat her as a guest. Its only 3 weeks and it sounds like she doesn't get to see dad all that much. Make sure she has some daddy daughter time carved out without you and your son. She may be a little jealous he is with dad all the time (totally normal).

-Stepmom

Anonymous wrote:Again, thanks everyone, I now have a better idea of what to expect and how to behave.
I will ask DH to take time off at work, plan some outings for them only, ask him to tell her about the dishes and her room.
-OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

Ha! I probably do sound a little too preachy or touchy-feely or whatever! Still, I stand by what I wrote. I've been watching the behavior of my older DC's friends, especially the girls, and there is so much ugliness that seems to be accepted by otherwise wonderful, kind parents. Just because certain behavior is considered "normal" for a given age doesn't mean it's okay. It's normal for my kid to hate cleaning up after himself, but it doesn't mean he can get away with it. It's also normal for a 13 year old to be sullen sometimes, but it doesn't mean she should be allowed to to be anti-social anyone around her. It just drives me nuts.

There are two main ideas running through these posts. 1) That it's age appropriate to be a sullen, rude brat if you're a 13 year old, and 2) that the girl should be treated with the consideration of a guest not the expectations of a family member. I get that this is a complicated, fraught situation but that seems like a pretty nasty combination: If you're afforded the courtesies of a guest with respect to helping around the house, then you shouldn't act with the license for rudeness that we accept in family members. To the extent that she's treated like a guest, she should be expected to be gracious. To the extent that she's treated like a member of the family, then accept that she may rush off to her room in a sullen huff sometimes! Obviously in this case, she's somewhere between a guest and regular member of the family, but the perks and duties should be in balance at whatever point along the spectrum dad and SM decide is appropriate.

I'll add that I think it would be a fine idea to actually ask the girl what role she would like to play during her visit. A healthy family could have this discussion in the open, and a 13 year old is sophisticated enough to understand and mature enough to think about what she wants and make some choices. It's not like there is an inherent right answer. I bet she would feel respected and included if her dad and SM broached this with her, and she would rise to the occasion. We do a disservice to young people in so many ways when we don't expect enough of them. At 13, she also has a right to have some input on her relationships. In the case of divorce, everyone made decisions about family life without her, and she's been at their mercy. Give her a chance to have some control, too.

Finally, I stick by my belief that it's OK to ask her to keep an eye on her brother for 20 minutes while mom is in the shower, even if she's treated completely as a guest. I can't think of anyone I'd have as a houseguest in my home that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking that of.

Sorry, PP. I couldn't help myself! You practically invited me to say more!

Whew! I hope you husband has ear plugs.

My husband would be pleased to know that someone appreciates how he feels!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

Ha! I probably do sound a little too preachy or touchy-feely or whatever! Still, I stand by what I wrote. I've been watching the behavior of my older DC's friends, especially the girls, and there is so much ugliness that seems to be accepted by otherwise wonderful, kind parents. Just because certain behavior is considered "normal" for a given age doesn't mean it's okay. It's normal for my kid to hate cleaning up after himself, but it doesn't mean he can get away with it. It's also normal for a 13 year old to be sullen sometimes, but it doesn't mean she should be allowed to to be anti-social anyone around her. It just drives me nuts.

There are two main ideas running through these posts. 1) That it's age appropriate to be a sullen, rude brat if you're a 13 year old, and 2) that the girl should be treated with the consideration of a guest not the expectations of a family member. I get that this is a complicated, fraught situation but that seems like a pretty nasty combination: If you're afforded the courtesies of a guest with respect to helping around the house, then you shouldn't act with the license for rudeness that we accept in family members. To the extent that she's treated like a guest, she should be expected to be gracious. To the extent that she's treated like a member of the family, then accept that she may rush off to her room in a sullen huff sometimes! Obviously in this case, she's somewhere between a guest and regular member of the family, but the perks and duties should be in balance at whatever point along the spectrum dad and SM decide is appropriate.

I'll add that I think it would be a fine idea to actually ask the girl what role she would like to play during her visit. A healthy family could have this discussion in the open, and a 13 year old is sophisticated enough to understand and mature enough to think about what she wants and make some choices. It's not like there is an inherent right answer. I bet she would feel respected and included if her dad and SM broached this with her, and she would rise to the occasion. We do a disservice to young people in so many ways when we don't expect enough of them. At 13, she also has a right to have some input on her relationships. In the case of divorce, everyone made decisions about family life without her, and she's been at their mercy. Give her a chance to have some control, too.

Finally, I stick by my belief that it's OK to ask her to keep an eye on her brother for 20 minutes while mom is in the shower, even if she's treated completely as a guest. I can't think of anyone I'd have as a houseguest in my home that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking that of.

Sorry, PP. I couldn't help myself! You practically invited me to say more!

Whew! I hope you husband has ear plugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to take her out once while she is here with just you and her - get a manicure, go to lunch, stop at Georgetown cupcakes or some other cupcake shop. Do it early in the visit. Let her know you are happy she is spending time with you guys and communicate that through actions as well as words.

And FYI - she might have some sullen looks! That is what 13 is all about.

No chores, treat her as a guest. Its only 3 weeks and it sounds like she doesn't get to see dad all that much. Make sure she has some daddy daughter time carved out without you and your son. She may be a little jealous he is with dad all the time (totally normal).

-Stepmom

NP here. Good advice. From my own experience in the past as a girl in this situation, make SURE there is a lot of time for her with her father without you, with or without her half-brother. I'd have her run errand with him and have you run errands without them, not just have her do special things with him. She no longer has "normal" time with him. When I ended up spending more time with my stepmother than with my father, I stopped visiting him, btw. Be careful. She's extremely jealous of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

Ha! I probably do sound a little too preachy or touchy-feely or whatever! Still, I stand by what I wrote. I've been watching the behavior of my older DC's friends, especially the girls, and there is so much ugliness that seems to be accepted by otherwise wonderful, kind parents. Just because certain behavior is considered "normal" for a given age doesn't mean it's okay. It's normal for my kid to hate cleaning up after himself, but it doesn't mean he can get away with it. It's also normal for a 13 year old to be sullen sometimes, but it doesn't mean she should be allowed to to be anti-social anyone around her. It just drives me nuts.

There are two main ideas running through these posts. 1) That it's age appropriate to be a sullen, rude brat if you're a 13 year old, and 2) that the girl should be treated with the consideration of a guest not the expectations of a family member. I get that this is a complicated, fraught situation but that seems like a pretty nasty combination: If you're afforded the courtesies of a guest with respect to helping around the house, then you shouldn't act with the license for rudeness that we accept in family members. To the extent that she's treated like a guest, she should be expected to be gracious. To the extent that she's treated like a member of the family, then accept that she may rush off to her room in a sullen huff sometimes! Obviously in this case, she's somewhere between a guest and regular member of the family, but the perks and duties should be in balance at whatever point along the spectrum dad and SM decide is appropriate.

I'll add that I think it would be a fine idea to actually ask the girl what role she would like to play during her visit. A healthy family could have this discussion in the open, and a 13 year old is sophisticated enough to understand and mature enough to think about what she wants and make some choices. It's not like there is an inherent right answer. I bet she would feel respected and included if her dad and SM broached this with her, and she would rise to the occasion. We do a disservice to young people in so many ways when we don't expect enough of them. At 13, she also has a right to have some input on her relationships. In the case of divorce, everyone made decisions about family life without her, and she's been at their mercy. Give her a chance to have some control, too.

Finally, I stick by my belief that it's OK to ask her to keep an eye on her brother for 20 minutes while mom is in the shower, even if she's treated completely as a guest. I can't think of anyone I'd have as a houseguest in my home that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking that of.

Sorry, PP. I couldn't help myself! You practically invited me to say more!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.