Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

My suggestion would be to stay in hotels and do not be each other's guests. I have no idea nor have I ever inquired whether my SIL folds laundry, leaves a mound, gives juice or water and how often or when they eat fast food. I'm not even sure how this stuff comes up in conversation.

+100

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

Yes, I notice those things in other people's homes/houses. And within 24 hours, I forget. What makes you judgy is that you note these things, catalogue them and keep hold of these "fact" as if they are a measure of the person, hence you judge based on the differences. Stop being a bean-counter. Yes, people are different. I have many of the same characteristics and make many of the same choices, and some of my best friends do the things your SIL does. And we get along great. Nothing on your list has any impact on whether or not you will be friends, can tolerate each other or whether either of you is better or worse as a person or parent.

How do you become better? Stop and think. You notice details about other people. A sense of detail can be a good thing. However, once you've noticed something, for these inconsequential details, stop and put them out of your mind when you think about the person. Try to think of the things that make a person a good friend and focus on those characteristics instead. One of the things that often causes conflict between people like you and your SIL is that not only do you detail and file the differences, but you sound like you judge. In your comments and discussions with her, if you are critical of the choices that she makes (and believe me, people can tell), then she's probably not so friendly because she not only feels that you are an anal bitch, but a judgy one as well. So stop talking about the things that you do different, and start talking about the things you have in common. Don't worry that her kids are not in bed at 9pm or 10pm, whether her laundry is folded, whether she cooked dinner or not and talk about family, what you've done together, similar parenting experience (have your kids been to see Mom recently? Did you know she got a new toy chest so that we can keep some toys are her house to play with while we're there? Jack just started climbing and we've been having problems with him because he doesn't know how to get down without falling. Larla now has practice after school--how did you handle the kids coming home at different times?)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

People notice, sure, but we don't put the time and effort into making a direct comparison list. That means you don't see them as trivial. Also people who aren't judgey don't use "trivial" lifetyle differences to determine that they aren't compatible with someone? Are they good people? Compassionate? Ethical? Willing to help out others? Your post give the impression that all you see is mustard and laundry.

OP here.

Weeeelllllll, SIL is sometimey.... sometimes nice, sometimes not-so-nice. Moody is a better word. Sometimes she is moody with my children. Sometimes she'll say hello, sometimes she won't. When this happens, I typically say hello first so she knows I'm being nice. But if I were in a pinch and needed her help, she absolutely would help me, and I would do the same for her.

So, moving on.... how does one choose not be "judgey?" I want to make up my mind not to be this way.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really do want to be better. And no, this is not a TROLL post. Its real. And I came here because I knew I'd get a good dose of reality.

Try lightening up a little. If you and your kids are having dinner with them, go crazy and let your kids have a ginger ale. Try letting them watch a movie with their cousins until late in the summer time, just once. I guarantee you that they will have fun and not lose IQ points if they stay up past their bed time. Relax, really, your head will not explode. Maybe try to see that other people have different priorities and different perspectives, for real. There are so many things to really worry about (are the kids healthy and happy? Are the adults gainfully employed and happy?) that the contents of someone's fridge reall\ly doesn't matter. Do yourself a big favor and don't waste energy even thinking about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

My suggestion would be to stay in hotels and do not be each other's guests. I have no idea nor have I ever inquired whether my SIL folds laundry, leaves a mound, gives juice or water and how often or when they eat fast food. I'm not even sure how this stuff comes up in conversation.

Anonymous wrote:
Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

People notice, sure, but we don't put the time and effort into making a direct comparison list. That means you don't see them as trivial. Also people who aren't judgey don't use "trivial" lifetyle differences to determine that they aren't compatible with someone? Are they good people? Compassionate? Ethical? Willing to help out others? Your post give the impression that all you see is mustard and laundry.

OP here.

Weeeelllllll, SIL is sometimey.... sometimes nice, sometimes not-so-nice. Moody is a better word. Sometimes she is moody with my children. Sometimes she'll say hello, sometimes she won't. When this happens, I typically say hello first so she knows I'm being nice. But if I were in a pinch and needed her help, she absolutely would help me, and I would do the same for her.

So, moving on.... how does one choose not be "judgey?" I want to make up my mind not to be this way.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really do want to be better. And no, this is not a TROLL post. Its real. And I came here because I knew I'd get a good dose of reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

People notice, sure, but we don't put the time and effort into making a direct comparison list. That means you don't see them as trivial. Also people who aren't judgey don't use "trivial" lifetyle differences to determine that they aren't compatible with someone? Are they good people? Compassionate? Ethical? Willing to help out others? Your post give the impression that all you see is mustard and laundry.

OP here.

Weeeelllllll, SIL is sometimey.... sometimes nice, sometimes not-so-nice. Moody is a better word. Sometimes she is moody with my children. Sometimes she'll say hello, sometimes she won't. When this happens, I typically say hello first so she knows I'm being nice. But if I were in a pinch and needed her help, she absolutely would help me, and I would do the same for her.

So, moving on.... how does one choose not be "judgey?" I want to make up my mind not to be this way.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really do want to be better. And no, this is not a TROLL post. Its real. And I came here because I knew I'd get a good dose of reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

BTW... in a weird attempt to self improve, would any of you mind pointing out what sounded "superior" on my part? I'd like to think of us as being different, but if I'm coming off as superior here, maybe I'm coming off that way in person. I don't want to offend her in any way.

You want to know what sounded superior? Others have mentioned it, but maybe your OP could have read something like this instead:

SIL does not like me and I do not particularly care for her. We keep a respectful communication, but sometimes, I swear, I feel like she would spit on me if she could. We would not be friends if we were not family, but sometimes, I feel as if I'm being judged by her because I'm not as "free spirited" as she is. I know I should not really care, but I do. Here are some of our "lifestyle" differences.

She puts her kids to bed after 11pm.
I put my kids to bed at 8:15.

how about: I'm too strict with my kids' bedtime and she lets her kids go to sleep when they become natrually tired.

She gives her kids juice and soda.
Mine drink one juice/day and then water.

how about: she is less restrictive than I am about what the kids can drink.

She rarely cooks.
I cook 4-5 times a week.

She likes to go out to eat and I'm a homebody.

She has mounds of laundry waiting to be folded.
I fold and put away.

She doesn't make laundry a priority, while I tend to obsess about it.

She gives her kids fast food regularly.
I do fast food as a last resort.

Again - she takes her kids out to eat while I'm more or a homebody.

She goes out and comes home late (3-4am, MIL watches kids for her).
I do not go to bars or clubs (I'm 37... I just think I'm too old!)

She goes out and lets her kids bond more with their grandma.

Her fridge has (honestly) 4 open bottles of the same brand of mustard. 2 opened bottles of the same BBQ sauce and 3 opened jars of mayo. I just saw this tonight, so it is stuck in my brain. I just remember thinking "I would go crazy if I had all that opened shit in my refrigerator"

Honestly, I don't even know what to say about this one.

Luckily, I don't have to see her every day, but we live in very close proximity and I'm married to her brother, so we see each other enough. So, I'm wondering, is anyone else extremely different from their in-laws, and if so, how?

and what about Luckily, SHE doesn't have to see ME everyday.


That would be a start to how you don't sound like your superior to her - that you see that there is a good side and a bad side to both your lifestyle as well as hers.