Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I definitely plan on calling her parents, but haven't been able to think of what I should say.

"What you do with your daughter is your business, but please don't smoke pot with my daughter."

This.

HI OP:

I didn't read all of the posts but did want to share something with you. My best friend smoked pot throughout our teens and i never did. When I became an adult, I tried it a few times and didn't really like it.

I thought my friend was more boring when she smoked so there's that.

I'm now a fullgrown, gainfully employed, over-educated person...as is that friend.

I meant focusing too much.

I think many of you are focusing too such on the pot and missing the wider dynamic. Yes, most kids experiment and its not entirely a bad thing -- they learn their limits while under your roof. HOWEVER, this should not be encouraged by parents, only recognized. I recommend Wendy Mogel's Lessons of a B-. She uses the Colbert term "truthiness" to describe her advice about parents and experimentation. Let your child know there are limits --because all teens need limits -- and that this is not something you condone, while recognize that they will go ahead and experiment anyway. Talk to them about safety because ultimately that is the biggest concern.

But thats not really the issue here. The issue here is twofold: OP's DD is showing signs of depression. This is not something that will go away on its own and pot will make it worse. Its fine to gab about how pot is just fine for most kids but OP's DD is not most kids -- she's a very vulnerable kid and the pot is going to make the situation worse.

Second, the other father is showing a shocking lack of boundaries which is a big red flag. He's a creep, and you have to wonder about the other ways in which he might not have boundaries. This is absolutely a situation in which OP's DD must be protected.

Finally, OP has issues of her own with respect to her DD. She is too invested in their friendship and in wanting her DD to have friends so that she isn't setting the proper boundaries of her own. All of this is understandable but OP has lost sight of the ways in which she is accommodating her DD's unhealthy situation rather than trying to change it. Both need professional support.

Next year your daughter will be (presumably) in college SURROUNDED by pot. Show her now that you trust her to use her best judgment and make good choices. Because next year when you aren't hovering I GUARANTEE that men much more appealing to her than her friend's dad will be offering her pot and she'll be so thrilled that you aren't breathing down her neck that she'll take whatever they have.

OP, I am married, and we relocated here. 3 teenagers. We discovered that the sqeaky clean one was using pot.

First things first: pot is illegal. That parent is breaking the law, and, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, that minor being your daughter. WTF??? I would speak to him. If he gave me any crap, I would phone the police, and let them deal with it. Separate DD from them.

Next, you are struggling between being the friend vs the parent. Your daughter needs you as a parent, so be the parent. Some decisions are tough, and not the popular choice. We drug-test our son as a basis for letting him drive. Our car, our liability. He needs to make smarter choices, and, so does your daughter. They are growing up. You can only help them and try to direct them. Good luck!

I don't envy you, op.

Yes, a grown man getting high with a teen is creepy.

Yes, doing something illegal with someone else's child is troubling, regardless of how you feel about pot.

Your daughter needs separation from this family. I am sorry your move turned out so sour, and I am sorry your sister is dying.

is the study showing that Schizophrenia correlates with pot, or is it causative?

Have you not heard about the latest research regarding marijuana use in teens? http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324637504578566094217815994.html

Anonymous wrote:Lets keep this allin perspective. Pot is not that harmful, and this parent is almost certainly not a risk, compared to the things that your daughter will face in the future.

Your job now is to encourage your daughter to make good decisions, not to police her.

The issue isn't pot, the issue is both the girl's depression and the fact that a grown man is getting high with teenagers. That is a very, very concerning dynamic.

Lets keep this allin perspective. Pot is not that harmful, and this parent is almost certainly not a risk, compared to the things that your daughter will face in the future.

Your job now is to encourage your daughter to make good decisions, not to police her.

OP - I feel for you and your daughter. Moving at that age is difficult and having the family difficulties with your sister's illness will certainly add to the struggle.

I'm a pretty laid-back parent and have a very honest and open relationship with my DD (16 years old). I'm a big believer in the strength of allowing kids to be open and honest without feeling judged. Once kids feel judged is when they shut down. I'm also a believer that kids will do certain things because they are crying out for help. I believe your DD understands that this was a strange incident, but didn't really know how to get out of it. She is looking for some sort of guidance from you.

I'm with you that teenagers will experiment or at least be exposed to pot at some point in their HS years. However, smoking pot with her friend's father is definitely going a step further than what is usual and normal and I think that's the bigger issue. Why did she think this would be a good thing to do? Is she self-medicating in order to avoid "feeling" something because right now life is very painful? She is clearly exhibiting signs of depression and you should consider having her see someone ASAP. My own DD started seeing a therapist a year ago for mild depression and it was the best decision we could have made! I had always told her that if she ever felt the need to see someone that all she had to do was ask. I started seeing some changes with her at the end of her 9th grade year and by the end of the summer she asked me. She talked to me on a Thursday night, I made calls on Friday and she was in her 1st appointment on Monday afternoon - it was that apparent that she needed to talk to someone. It was a long year, but she worked through a lot of her issues. She is in a much better place, but still sees the therapist because she still has some work to do. A therapist will offer an objective ear to listen - they do not have agenda for their patient's lives. As much as we are open and honest with our kids they still feel a duty to be our good kids. Kids do not want to disappoint their parents, but sometimes it's hard not to!

With regard to the friend - it's a tough call. I would avoid cutting off all contact with her because you admit that she is a smart and ambitious girl. She has encouraged your daughter to take AP classes! However, I would sit and talk with your DD and tell her that you do not want her to go to her friend's house for the time being. Make sure to explain that it's because you are concerned with her safety and her state of mind. If you do call the parents I would be careful to politely explain your discomfort about the situation. If they are the same parents who raised a daughter who wants to go to Columbia then they may very well understand. However, a sure-fire way to make the conversation turn ugly is to be judgmental and rude. What they do in their own house is their own business, but you have the right to let them know that it's not okay for your DD. Remember - our actions as parents will have consequences on our children whether we want to admit or not. Your DD is already having difficulty fitting in and finding her place. Don't make it any more difficult for her by starting some war with other parents - they are not worth it. Your daughter and her well-being are your main priorities.

Good luck!

The thing that really bugs me about this is the Dad wanting to smoke with your daughter. You know what kind of grown men want to get high with 17-year-old girls, right? That's super, super creepy.

Anonymous wrote:18:51 again --Do not interrogate your daughter about her mood and feelings. This should be handled by a professional. Quizzing her about her feelings or taking it personally that she's not confiding in you will not be helpful. The one conversation you should have with her is a gentle one about whether she'd like to see a therapist. If she says no, you should see one so you can discuss how to proceed. I think its always a good idea for parents to get their own professional help when a child has issues to get advice on dealing with it as well as dealing with the stress of the situation.

I think it also sounds like you were so worried about your daughter having friends that you've overlooked a lot with this other family. You are right that its not good for her to be isolated but this kind of friendship isn't healthy either. There's another way and she needs help finding it.

Thanks again for the advice. Like I said before, I'm sad that she isn't talking to me like she used to, but like you said, I should look at my own behavior to see how I can fix that. I'll work on giving her room to sort out her own feelings, and leave the rest to the pros.

The thing is, DD repeatedly told me, "I would hate school so much without (friend's name)." I'll definitely encourage her finding extracurricular activities and other friends, which is healthy after all. Still, I don't think DD's friendship with this girl is the problem--even if she finds other friends, she could easily befriend other potheads and go smoke with them behind my back. I just have to make sure that she doesn't feel the need to start becoming a pothead to feel better about life.

18:51 again --Do not interrogate your daughter about her mood and feelings. This should be handled by a professional. Quizzing her about her feelings or taking it personally that she's not confiding in you will not be helpful. The one conversation you should have with her is a gentle one about whether she'd like to see a therapist. If she says no, you should see one so you can discuss how to proceed. I think its always a good idea for parents to get their own professional help when a child has issues to get advice on dealing with it as well as dealing with the stress of the situation.

I think it also sounds like you were so worried about your daughter having friends that you've overlooked a lot with this other family. You are right that its not good for her to be isolated but this kind of friendship isn't healthy either. There's another way and she needs help finding it.