OP, I understand how you feel. You are excited, and most likely if the situation were reversed you would suck it up and wish your SIL well. But she is probably not good at hiding her disapointment so she is choosing to lay low. She will not always ignore your child, but right now just let it go. My SIL miscarried a few weeks before we announced our pregnancy. She didn't tell us, and during my pregnancy she was cold and rude to me. After I gave birth she did not come visit us in the hospital, and she refused to hold my ds. It was very hurtful because I didn't know what she was going through until years later. Of course I was horrified when I found out, and I wished I could go back and not have rubbed my pregancy and baby in her face. She came around and is a wonderful aunt. You know what you SIL is going through so you can make the choice to be compassionate. Good luck.

She may not even be able to speak to you about your pregnancy without crying.

This is your brother and his wife. If they could be happy for you, they would be. Imagine how much they must be struggling to be behaving like this.

I think it would be a gift to your entire family if you could choose to be generous and compassionate in your interpretation of these events. They would speak to you of your pregnancy if they could. Since they haven't, they must not be able to. How very sad for them. How incredibly lucky you are not to be in their shoes.

Honestly, it is like chewing glass--I suffered with infertility and don't want to remember those days--but I still think the SIL should acknowledge the pregnancy. It's been 3 months! Come on...SIL is being a bit of a special snowflake herself not even to congratulate her family member. She's going to be an aunt to this little boy or girl.

As much as I was hurting for the years I was infertile, I still knew the world was going on. SIL should do the polite and loving thing and say *something*. Or are the aunt and uncle just going to glaze over for the next 18 years whenever their niece/nephew is in the room??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are even enjoying the whole situation. You have a lot of growing up to do OP. what kind of a role model are you going to be for your kid? Sad, very sad.....

Glad I'm not the only one who sensed this.

Plus 1

+ another one. I sensed this too. It's pretty sick, she seems to have no sympathy or empathy for what her own brother is dealing with. When we were struggling with infertility my husband couldn't be around his brother because he would constantly say things like "You just don't understand because you don't have kids" knowing what we were going through. It really hurt my husband but his brother was furious because my husband didn't spend time with him anymore...wonder why.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are horrible. You know what they are going through and all you care about is yourself. You better learn to be more understanding and less judgmental before you have your child. I told my best friend (I was her maid of honor, etc.) that I was pregnant 4 months ago and haven't heard a word from her since. I know she is struggling with infertility so it hasn't bothered me one bit. I know she will come around when she is ready and I don't need any more attention. Get over yourself. You almost seem like you want to rub it in.

I think the situation you're describing is odd. Sure, your friend is struggling with infertility but she is also your best friend, and to just completely leave your life like that is really harsh. I don't understand these extreme reactions from the person struggling from infertility. Why the need to shut the pregnant person out of their life completely?

Until you've walked a mile, you really are in no position to judge.

+1 You don't understand because you've never been there.


OP, a PP said that a "simple congratulations" would be like chewing glass for the SIL. Yup, that sounds about right to me. I gave out lots and lots of congratulations while I struggled to get pregnant, and the longer my infertility went on the harder it became to say those words. It's not that I wasn't glad for all my pregnant friends and family. It was that my own pain and grief at my losses, the awful fear that I might never get to have a child, the desperation, the physical toll of the treatments, the emotional exhaustion, the time and money, the hope and crushing disappointment... it was all just so much to bear, and no one could understand because none of them had to do anything more than go to bed with their husband. The only way to be sensitive to your SIL here, OP, is to recognize that you truly have NO idea what she is going through or has gone through. You're getting everything you want. Please be happy with that and give your SIL some space and time.

OP - do you notice the trend in all of these responses? Your SIL is not the problem here. You are.

You need to learn to be more empathetic and compassionate. The joy your felt when you saw the positive pregnancy test? Imagine the crushing pain she feels each and every month when that doesn't happen for her.

This isn't about her slighting you; It's about her own sadness and grief. Some people going through infertility can put on a happy face, at least for a while and "pretend." But they also sob into their pillow each night with each pregnancy announcement by a friend, family member or coworker. Your brother is experiencing the same thing.

You cannot imagine the heartbreak they are feeling. This is your chance to grow up and be kind. Take it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really expect her to swallow her pain just to make you feel like a special snowflake?
Don't take it personally. She just needs her space. She shouldn't be expected to be ecstatic for you. Put yourself in her shoes.

OP here. I don't expect her to be ecstatic, but I do find it a little weird that in the last 3 months of phone calls/emails with my brother that I have to hide my pregnancy. It just seems really weird to me. I don't think an email or a phone call with a simple congratulations means I'm expecting her to shower me with enthusiasm.

Pp here who you quoted. I can see how you might find it odd, not having been in their shoes. I have been there. 2.5 years and 4 miscarriages to be exact. If I was your SIL and saw you or talked to you directly, I'd say congrats. But I doubt I'd go out of my way to call you unless we were very close to begin with. It's very painful to be infertile and each announcement is a reminder of your own failure (or at least that's how they felt to me). Doesn't matter if it's irrational but that's the way it was. Not to mention that most people have no idea what it's like and even if they know of your issues will still rattle on about their symptoms (and complain about them even!) and plans etc.
I'm sure you get plenty of attention from everyone else, so why do you want these two to pretend for you? Screw manners, they're going through hell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not take it personally, and follow their lead (e.g. they need space.) That is my opinion. I struggled w/ infertility as a single woman, so perhaps that is why I am compassionate towards them. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

OP here. I guess I feel that SIL should pretend to be happy for us, and give us a quick call or send an email. That just seems like proper manners. To ignore close kin's pregnancy just seems really odd and ridiculous to me.

She wants to be happy for you, believe me. But infertility is a painful all consuming hell I wouldnt wish on anyone (12 years, 2 kids later, so happy to leave it in the past with my 1st 12,years ago). Please do not add to the rift by judging her, be happy in your good fortune and try to have a wee bit of empathy for her very real hell.

"I think the situation you're describing is odd. Sure, your friend is struggling with infertility but she is also your best friend, and to just completely leave your life like that is really harsh. I don't understand these extreme reactions from the person struggling from infertility. Why the need to shut the pregnant person out of their life completely?"

This is how some people deal with the PAIN of infertility. For some people, it is AGONY.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are horrible. You know what they are going through and all you care about is yourself. You better learn to be more understanding and less judgmental before you have your child. I told my best friend (I was her maid of honor, etc.) that I was pregnant 4 months ago and haven't heard a word from her since. I know she is struggling with infertility so it hasn't bothered me one bit. I know she will come around when she is ready and I don't need any more attention. Get over yourself. You almost seem like you want to rub it in.

I think the situation you're describing is odd. Sure, your friend is struggling with infertility but she is also your best friend, and to just completely leave your life like that is really harsh. I don't understand these extreme reactions from the person struggling from infertility. Why the need to shut the pregnant person out of their life completely?

Until you've walked a mile, you really are in no position to judge.

Anonymous wrote:OP you are horrible. You know what they are going through and all you care about is yourself. You better learn to be more understanding and less judgmental before you have your child. I told my best friend (I was her maid of honor, etc.) that I was pregnant 4 months ago and haven't heard a word from her since. I know she is struggling with infertility so it hasn't bothered me one bit. I know she will come around when she is ready and I don't need any more attention. Get over yourself. You almost seem like you want to rub it in.

I think the situation you're describing is odd. Sure, your friend is struggling with infertility but she is also your best friend, and to just completely leave your life like that is really harsh. I don't understand these extreme reactions from the person struggling from infertility. Why the need to shut the pregnant person out of their life completely?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are even enjoying the whole situation. You have a lot of growing up to do OP. what kind of a role model are you going to be for your kid? Sad, very sad.....

Glad I'm not the only one who sensed this.

Plus 1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really expect her to swallow her pain just to make you feel like a special snowflake?
Don't take it personally. She just needs her space. She shouldn't be expected to be ecstatic for you. Put yourself in her shoes.

OP here. I don't expect her to be ecstatic, but I do find it a little weird that in the last 3 months of phone calls/emails with my brother that I have to hide my pregnancy. It just seems really weird to me. I don't think an email or a phone call with a simple congratulations means I'm expecting her to shower me with enthusiasm.

OP - You're still not getting IT!

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are even enjoying the whole situation. You have a lot of growing up to do OP. what kind of a role model are you going to be for your kid? Sad, very sad.....

Glad I'm not the only one who sensed this.

It seems like you are even enjoying the whole situation. You have a lot of growing up to do OP. what kind of a role model are you going to be for your kid? Sad, very sad.....