Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is relevant that some of these problems are her fault, because I think my sister doesn't realize her own culpability in all this, and that she is still going to blame others for her own screw ups.

For example, if I were in her situation right now, I would be finding an apartment, and figuring out a way to pay for it, or exactly how much it's going to run me for 6 months or a year. Or I would know exactly how much I owe an attorney and how I can get this done as quickly as possible. Or I would be getting free legal aid or going to a women's shelter. My sister is vague about all these things.

To those who say she should turn to my parents, believe me that is not the answer. It would be bad for them and for her.

You don't know what you would be doing if YOUR life fell apart. You can pat yourself on the back but it is just bullshit until it actually happens to YOU. And what about the kids? Don't you want to make sure that your sister gets custody and any money she can in child support. You're damn cold.

Why does her loser husband have a pricey lawyer in the first place? That's delusional. Two inept people shoveling money at lawyers for custody. Sounds like a black hole money pit.

They need a cheaper way to get divorced and move on. Pro bono, divorce court for poor people, etc. There ARE community resources for this. Likely this husband is way in over his head in fees too, and his parents. Call his parents and find a solution that doesn't involve pissing away everyone else's money. This is serious.

She will likely need government assistance, aid, programs, for raising her kid. Maybe if she showed a real plan for her and the kids lives to the judge it could be closed out more quickly.

Anonymous wrote:Uhmmm, give her the money. What's the difference in it being for an apt (which you were willing to do) and legal fees?

The way I read it is the legal fees are on top of the apartment. And potentially add up to much more, right?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is relevant that some of these problems are her fault, because I think my sister doesn't realize her own culpability in all this, and that she is still going to blame others for her own screw ups.

For example, if I were in her situation right now, I would be finding an apartment, and figuring out a way to pay for it, or exactly how much it's going to run me for 6 months or a year. Or I would know exactly how much I owe an attorney and how I can get this done as quickly as possible. Or I would be getting free legal aid or going to a women's shelter. My sister is vague about all these things.

To those who say she should turn to my parents, believe me that is not the answer. It would be bad for them and for her.

OP I am in the same situation! She should try legal aid. Lawyers are very expensive. Some people just go with the flow, no matter where it lands them. Or she is overwhelmed and now is the time to help her. So hard to know. Good luck.

OP here. It is relevant that some of these problems are her fault, because I think my sister doesn't realize her own culpability in all this, and that she is still going to blame others for her own screw ups.

For example, if I were in her situation right now, I would be finding an apartment, and figuring out a way to pay for it, or exactly how much it's going to run me for 6 months or a year. Or I would know exactly how much I owe an attorney and how I can get this done as quickly as possible. Or I would be getting free legal aid or going to a women's shelter. My sister is vague about all these things.

Ok, you are a more responsible and capable person than her. But what difference does it make? Either you are willing to help her or you aren't. How is it going to make her situation better to be wiped out further financially in the divorce? It won't help her get an apartment or provide for her kids. How is it going to help the kids if her ex, who you say is a horrible person, gets custody? Re free legal aid, you previously said that she would not qualify. She can certainly go to a women's shelter if she can't afford an apt., can't get family help, and friends will not continue to allow her to stay with them. But if it were me, I'd explore the other options first. If she is able to get custody, I don't think it would be good for your nices/nephews to be living in a shelter. Isn't part of the need for an attorney to separate their assets so that she can afford an apt. again?

Clearly, you don't want to lend her the money. It is your money, and your right not to do it. You have asked what others would do. I'd lend/give the money.

OP here. It is relevant that some of these problems are her fault, because I think my sister doesn't realize her own culpability in all this, and that she is still going to blame others for her own screw ups.

For example, if I were in her situation right now, I would be finding an apartment, and figuring out a way to pay for it, or exactly how much it's going to run me for 6 months or a year. Or I would know exactly how much I owe an attorney and how I can get this done as quickly as possible. Or I would be getting free legal aid or going to a women's shelter. My sister is vague about all these things.

To those who say she should turn to my parents, believe me that is not the answer. It would be bad for them and for her.

Anonymous wrote:

But some of the problems have been her doing, of course. She dug her own money hole (with her husband of course). She is unreliable, there is no one else to blame for that. She chose this prize of a guy.

What difference does it make whether some of her problems are of her own doing? She's trying to extricate herself from the situation? If you don't want to help her, don't, but I don't understand why the fact that she made a poor choice and is trying to move on factors in.

Exactly.


OP, why not just allow your sister to fend for herself? Then, you can sleep soundly with the knowledge that you and your dh didn't waste any of your money on helping her. Who knows, if she claws hard enough, perhaps she will discover that she didn't need your help at all and will never turn to you for support ever again.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Yes, I wouldn't want to characterize it this way, but my sister is kind of a screw up. She does have a job, and takes ok care of her kids (doesn't abuse them), but is always late, broke, has excuses for everything, etc.

I don't think I am arrogant enough that I could never be broke, or getting divorced, or have had some of the other problems my sister has. But some of the problems have been her doing, of course. She dug her own money hole (with her husband of course). She is unreliable, there is no one else to blame for that. She chose this prize of a guy.

I have asked my sister exactly how much she needs, and have asked for the name of her lawyer so I can speak with her directly. I'm going to find out what it would take to pay a flat fee so that she doesn't have to pay injuction by injuction against her bastard ex.

until then, I don't know if i'm going to just gift her 1-2k and call it a day, because it really won't solve her problems much, and it won't be the end.

Does she live in the same town or area as your parents? If not can she move? If so can she and the kids live with them? Do you have children? Anything given will come out of money for your own children's education or your retirement or living expenses.

But some of the problems have been her doing, of course. She dug her own money hole (with her husband of course). She is unreliable, there is no one else to blame for that. She chose this prize of a guy.

What difference does it make whether some of her problems are of her own doing? She's trying to extricate herself from the situation? If you don't want to help her, don't, but I don't understand why the fact that she made a poor choice and is trying to move on factors in.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Yes, I wouldn't want to characterize it this way, but my sister is kind of a screw up. She does have a job, and takes ok care of her kids (doesn't abuse them), but is always late, broke, has excuses for everything, etc.

I don't think I am arrogant enough that I could never be broke, or getting divorced, or have had some of the other problems my sister has. But some of the problems have been her doing, of course. She dug her own money hole (with her husband of course). She is unreliable, there is no one else to blame for that. She chose this prize of a guy.

I have asked my sister exactly how much she needs, and have asked for the name of her lawyer so I can speak with her directly. I'm going to find out what it would take to pay a flat fee so that she doesn't have to pay injuction by injuction against her bastard ex.

until then, I don't know if i'm going to just gift her 1-2k and call it a day, because it really won't solve her problems much, and it won't be the end.

In that case, I would consider the one-time gift, made directly to the attorney (btw I doubt any lawyer will do this for a flat fee and 1-2k is, as you note, going to be a drop in the bucket probably), and let her know up front that you're doing all you can for her this one time and that, unfortunately, you will not be able to provide more help ($) later, but you hope it helps, etc., etc.

Then when she comes back for more later, the answer is that you already gave and you did what you could, and that's all you can do.

Np here. I would pay the lawyer directly, but first make sure this is a good lawyer. Also, decide for yourself on a set amount ahead of time. And make it a gift. If it's a loan, it soundslike you won't get it back, and the waiting to be repaid could cause problems between you and your sister.

OP: this is tough. We have always had far more money than my sister. But her lack of money does stem from life style choices that she has made. To have a drinking problem, to not reach out for opportunities (not apply for a job) to marry a poor immigrant with no education and skills and a large family to support. To a certain extent, she chose the lifestyle called poor. It can be very awkward because we cannot afford to support her and her husband's family, however comfortably we might live in a middle class way. So when she needs money, sometimes we give it, but the whole family has been giving to this sister (that is usually the pattern) Giving can wreck a relationship because the other person feels that they owe you, or that they have to account to you. Like, well, I did not buy myself new jewelry because we cannot afford it while I am supporting you. But apparently you can. So then you are in the middle of her petty spending. It can be very tough. Good luck OP.

OP here again. Yes, I wouldn't want to characterize it this way, but my sister is kind of a screw up. She does have a job, and takes ok care of her kids (doesn't abuse them), but is always late, broke, has excuses for everything, etc.

I don't think I am arrogant enough that I could never be broke, or getting divorced, or have had some of the other problems my sister has. But some of the problems have been her doing, of course. She dug her own money hole (with her husband of course). She is unreliable, there is no one else to blame for that. She chose this prize of a guy.

I have asked my sister exactly how much she needs, and have asked for the name of her lawyer so I can speak with her directly. I'm going to find out what it would take to pay a flat fee so that she doesn't have to pay injuction by injuction against her bastard ex.

until then, I don't know if i'm going to just gift her 1-2k and call it a day, because it really won't solve her problems much, and it won't be the end.

help her, she is your sister. feel lucky that she came to you and that you are in a position to help.

We don't give my husband's brother money, and he is sucking his parents dry. No decision he has ever made has any real consequences since he gets bailed out each and every time. Now he can't do anything, never has a stable job or uses his talents.
DH and I have had many conversations on how we will not enable him, and if an emergency popped up it would strictly be a onetime thing. We have tons of obligations to our own mortgage, kids, retirement and health, to worry about an irresponsible sibling.

Perhaps you can help with $1-2k and then support plan for her to do getting her life in order. Help in other ways.

Seriously, most families got one...