Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I received the same pressure from his father. It was a custom in his family to provide for the elders. When we has just graduated from school and started new jobs, his brothers and sisters asked that we start contributing towards his father's expenses. With our huge student loan debt, we could barely make ends meet. My parents saw us struggling, and they would give us generous birthday and holiday cash gifts. I didn't have the heart to tell my family that we had to funnel off a chunk of the money they gave us for DH's family. They would've freaked!

That's awful. In so many ways. I feel sorry for you and more so for your parents, I hope that they never need your help or money (or what's left of it after years of subsidizing some pushy selfish ones).

Yikes, I didn't mean to high jack the thread. Our situation was complicated. DH's father paid for much of DH's schooling (undergrad) then just as he was about to graduate from law school the father stated he was now broke. DH had no idea his father was running out of money. The brothers and sisters complained that the father would have money if he hadn't been paying for DH's college. The siblings went to community college and lived at home, DH went away to a prestigious state college on partial scholarship. DH felt guilty, and was in essense paying his father back. It's a different culture than mine and we wouldn't run our family this way.

OP, family situations are never easy. We had to hide the fact that we had savings when the ILs would ask for money. Over time they stopped asking ( sadly DH's father died a few years back). Only you and your DH know all the layers of his relationship with them. You two should decide together what works for your family and stand your ground together on your position.

You should have been honest with your parents. You know that.

I'm an only child of parents who could be more responsible savers. I told them early on before I got married that I expect them to save for retirement. If something goes wrong eith that plan, I promised they would always have a safe clean place to live, food to eat and all prescribed medicines. Everything else was up to them - golf, eating out, etc.

This is the same deal they had with me in college - tuition, room and board only. Everything else I wanted I had to work for.

IL's so hard, and money makes it complicated for sure. My IL did the opposite of others and had the "face" that everything was fine, and then didn't tell my husband (boyfriend at teh time) they couldn't affort to pay his tuition for his jr yr at college, he found out once registrar wouldn't let him register for classes. They filed for bankruptcy 10+ yrs ago, my husband has worked hard and we have a nice, comfortable but not extravagant life... ILs still like to act like all is good but its not, and they make judgemental comments about our spending or choices (which are NOT extravagant and we save a lot for retirement and college for kids). I try to take it as their own issues, not ours, let them say it but try not react, which is hard i understand. His mom even made a strange comment in the card she sent to her son, my husband for his birthday- about what she could not afford and maybe he could. I am confident his parents would live WAY beyond their means with the $ we have, no doubt but they judge as if we are, but we aren't living beyond our means. Feel for you OP, just, i suppose sharing you aren't alone!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I received the same pressure from his father. It was a custom in his family to provide for the elders. When we has just graduated from school and started new jobs, his brothers and sisters asked that we start contributing towards his father's expenses. With our huge student loan debt, we could barely make ends meet. My parents saw us struggling, and they would give us generous birthday and holiday cash gifts. I didn't have the heart to tell my family that we had to funnel off a chunk of the money they gave us for DH's family. They would've freaked!

That's awful. In so many ways. I feel sorry for you and more so for your parents, I hope that they never need your help or money (or what's left of it after years of subsidizing some pushy selfish ones).

Yikes, I didn't mean to high jack the thread. Our situation was complicated. DH's father paid for much of DH's schooling (undergrad) then just as he was about to graduate from law school the father stated he was now broke. DH had no idea his father was running out of money. The brothers and sisters complained that the father would have money if he hadn't been paying for DH's college. The siblings went to community college and lived at home, DH went away to a prestigious state college on partial scholarship. DH felt guilty, and was in essense paying his father back. It's a different culture than mine and we wouldn't run our family this way.

OP, family situations are never easy. We had to hide the fact that we had savings when the ILs would ask for money. Over time they stopped asking ( sadly DH's father died a few years back). Only you and your DH know all the layers of his relationship with them. You two should decide together what works for your family and stand your ground together on your position.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I received the same pressure from his father. It was a custom in his family to provide for the elders. When we has just graduated from school and started new jobs, his brothers and sisters asked that we start contributing towards his father's expenses. With our huge student loan debt, we could barely make ends meet. My parents saw us struggling, and they would give us generous birthday and holiday cash gifts. I didn't have the heart to tell my family that we had to funnel off a chunk of the money they gave us for DH's family. They would've freaked!

That's awful. In so many ways. I feel sorry for you and more so for your parents, I hope that they never need your help or money (or what's left of it after years of subsidizing some pushy selfish ones).

OP, one of my friends DH employed her SIL for ten. long. years. The SIL took advantage in every way, and was barely qualified for the job. But the friends DH took pity on her when SIL first had children and was moping, whining and pouting like a child about her own job as well as her own husbands lack of promotion.

It became a nightmare quick. Unmarried coworkers did not understand her unprofessionalism, yet they would not employ their own family!

FF to when the company developed, and the new company said she had to go. My friend took the fall because it was just too messy.

The friends DH had always been the smart, independent and hardworking member of the family, an easy target for bully family members (who of course would never admit to their awful history of behaviors). Somehow, even though he paid his mother back (with interest, can you imagine!?) for his undergrad - the family still, and will probably always somehow feel, he "owes" them.

Sometimes family has the most seething jealousy!

No one owes their ILs anything. Especially nasty, sneaky, jealous, seething, bitter, vengeful ILS. Never again, my friend has said. Bending over backward was never enough for that family. And unreasonable favoritism toward that sister never subsided by the rest of that family.

You can't do enough for some people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I received the same pressure from his father. It was a custom in his family to provide for the elders. When we has just graduated from school and started new jobs, his brothers and sisters asked that we start contributing towards his father's expenses. With our huge student loan debt, we could barely make ends meet. My parents saw us struggling, and they would give us generous birthday and holiday cash gifts. I didn't have the heart to tell my family that we had to funnel off a chunk of the money they gave us for DH's family. They would've freaked!

I don't get this. You don't HAVE TO give them anything. What's would happen if you didn't give them any money? BILs and SILs would stop talking to you? Because it's a "custom"? Well, tell them you have a custom-- your custom is that you provide for your immediate family and your retirement first and any leftovers go toward a vacation. There's a custom for you.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's mother has zero savings, drives a 65,000 dollar car, and tells my boyfriend "you are my retirement plan!" And he is ok with this. It scares me.

dont know how serious you are about him, but you need to run like hell!