Keep dodging. eventually BIL and SIL will divorce anyway if he is an addict, and she won't be inquiring anymore and BIL wont give a crap.

Your story could be from my family.

The situation rarely changes. I'm sorry, but don't even offer that b/c they'll lie to you and say they're clean, they'll lie to you and say the guns are gone, etc. etc.

Don't cut off (unless as a planned part of an intervention), b/c they are family and at some point may in fact want to change, but supervise at all times even after the "change". And if your kids have addiction in their family background, they need to know about that. They can't "experiment" safely and they'll need to be strong when the peer pressure sets in, because it's different for your kids. They're more susceptible.

I'm so sorry. Good luck. Alanon may help.

Don't give a reason she can counter.
Just say you don't have time this summer. I mean, she's asking you to drive 2 hours on Saturday and 2 hours on Sunday. That's gotta interfere with church or temple or other regular weekend commitment that you all have going on, right?

OP here. Thanks for your responses. SIL and BIL are extremely sensitive and insecure...they'll turn the littlest thing into a slight. The rest of the family is fed up with their antics though. They'd probably high-five me if I told SIL the honest truth.

SIL was a drug user at one point in time, but I think that has stopped. One of the PPs picked up on the fact that I don't really want to have a closer relationship with them. My husband feels the same way. Feel bad for the kids though. My son cried when we said the sleepover wasn't happening. I had to explain to him that the reasons we weren't allowing the sleepover were grown-up reasons and for his protection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. My child has actually spend the night at their house before. Once. Before I knew the extent of the issues.

I'm afraid having the cousin sleep over will make reciprocation necessary.

. . .
You tell SIL this: "Look I'm going to be frank with you. You know we love little Petey and are so glad that he and Oscar are so close. Petey is welcome at our house any time. But as things stand now, with Billy Bob's drug use and the fact that there are guns in this house, I'm saying NO to having Oscar stay here overnight. That's our decision as his parents and until this situatoin changes, that will remain the answer."

. . .

NP here. I'm going to chime in on the side of honesty here as well. Be as diplomatic as you can, don't do it around the kids, try not to sound like you're attacking her personally, but be frank and direct. She'll be either pissed off or mortified but at least you won't be doing the bob-and-weave anymore, and she's unlikely to keep trying.

if the situation were reverse would you prefer she was honest?

hard to say because it could depend so much on her personality. i think the drug use might make her get defensive and the anger she actually probably has at her husband for doing it would probably get fully directed at you.

if i really couldnt keep the evasive white lies going i would probably let her know you have a firm family rule that you will not allow your children at homes of gun owners. and that you make no exceptions to this rule.

how much does this relationship mean to you and your dh? he seems indifferent on making more of a bond. what do your other family members think of bil?

Anonymous wrote:So I guess you guys would never let your child sleep at the home of a police officer , secret service agent or forest ranger since they have guns?

NP here. Yes, I would not.