Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 03:44     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You guys are being too hard on OP. She is processing and trying to figure out how to handle this. Maybe not watching it is a possible solution she came up with and was trying out as an idea. No need to say "some people shouldn't be parents", how uncalled for. Be more supportive and help OP be the best mom she can be.


I agree with this.

I'm surprised the teacher didn't do something more to help your daughter improve, OP! The situation seems to be the teacher's fault more than your daughter's, poor thing.

Does your daughter enjoy the dancing or does it make her stressed out? If the former, then just concentrate on that. If the latter, then just send her positive energy beams of love and encouragement while she dances. This seems like one of those moments where being loving is hard. It's easy to watch a good performance; it's really hard to be there for a bad performance (either because it's painful for you aesthetically, or because it's painful for you to see your daughter struggle and not enjoy herself, or whatever). Try to find three good things to say about her performance so that when you have to talk to her about it right afterward, you have something honest but positive to say. Maybe you're proud of her for trying, or she did a particular turn or step well, or she seemed to be having fun, or you could see that her practicing paid off (because she was less bad than before, but of course leave that part out!), or she looked beautiful up there, or whatever.

Good luck to her and to you. Let us know how it went!


I agree with both PPs. Too hard on OP and why does the teacher have her in the front row? height? If she danced in the back row she could see the other girls without twisting around. I think you should talk to the teacher about your concerns, maybe use the near collision as to why you're bringing it up.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 03:20     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Your dd has been working her lil tutu off for months. Such persistence is a talent in and of itself and I would hope that you, her parent, would celebrate that by letting her perform. Please do help her, with compassion, between now and the performance so she can shine to the best of her ability. And even if she's not a prima ballerina, support her hard work. This is about shoring up her burgeoning self esteem. Leave your own ego at will call. Who knows, both parent and daughter might just learn a lesson from this experience.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 01:36     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
I hope this is a joke. That poor little girl who has to go thru life with such a cold, heartless mother! What will you do when she has acne at 15, keep her out of school until her skin clears up? You sound dreadful OP.

She needs your unconditional love, encouragement and support to grow into a confident young woman. You seem to be her harshest critic instead of her biggest cheerleader.

Watch her performance, she will definitely be looking for you, and try to find positive things to say. She can probably tell you are so critical of her and that is why she is watching the girls around her, trying to be perfect to please you. She needs confidence, not criticism. I really can't believe you'd rather look away than watch your child do something she loves.

I was horrible at sports but loved participating. I'd finish a full lane behind the competition in swimming and lose 6-0 6-0 in tennis but my parents were always there cheering for me. I knew I wasn't very good and found other interests by HS but I cannot imagine how painful my childhood would have been if they had made me stop something I loved because of how they felt.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 00:43     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Poor child!!!!!

How dare you? You don't have to be fake. Just congratulate her for working so hard and delivering her best. If she's not embarrassed, nobody is mocking her and the teacher is supportive why would you get on her way???

You sound a lot like my BF's narcissistic mother. She kept my friend from doing all the things she loved to save her from embarrassment. My poor friend was never good enough at anything.

Obviously her mother could not stomach my friend being good at anything so she just cut her from everything that brought my friend joy.

Please seek help before you destroy this girl's life.


okay- I agree the kid should dance, but "destroy this girl's life"?? you are being waaay too dramatic and projecting waaay too much here!


Actually, if you were familiar with this mental disorder you'd know nothing is being blown out of proportion here. Narcissistic mothers start exactly like that.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 00:38     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Anonymous wrote:You guys are being too hard on OP. She is processing and trying to figure out how to handle this. Maybe not watching it is a possible solution she came up with and was trying out as an idea. No need to say "some people shouldn't be parents", how uncalled for. Be more supportive and help OP be the best mom she can be.


I agree with this.

I'm surprised the teacher didn't do something more to help your daughter improve, OP! The situation seems to be the teacher's fault more than your daughter's, poor thing.

Does your daughter enjoy the dancing or does it make her stressed out? If the former, then just concentrate on that. If the latter, then just send her positive energy beams of love and encouragement while she dances. This seems like one of those moments where being loving is hard. It's easy to watch a good performance; it's really hard to be there for a bad performance (either because it's painful for you aesthetically, or because it's painful for you to see your daughter struggle and not enjoy herself, or whatever). Try to find three good things to say about her performance so that when you have to talk to her about it right afterward, you have something honest but positive to say. Maybe you're proud of her for trying, or she did a particular turn or step well, or she seemed to be having fun, or you could see that her practicing paid off (because she was less bad than before, but of course leave that part out!), or she looked beautiful up there, or whatever.

Good luck to her and to you. Let us know how it went!
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2013 00:03     Subject: Re:Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Watch her recital, OP.

Then say something so simple: I love to watch you dance, you practiced so diligently and it is just a delight to see you out there.

Then try to grow a human heart and love your daughter and rejoice in what she CAN do. How would you feel if she suffered a terrible accident and could never dance (or walk) again? I bet then you'd wish you'd seen her recital, however clumsy it may be.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 23:52     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
You guys are being too hard on OP. She is processing and trying to figure out how to handle this. Maybe not watching it is a possible solution she came up with and was trying out as an idea. No need to say "some people shouldn't be parents", how uncalled for. Be more supportive and help OP be the best mom she can be.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 23:36     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Clearly your DD enjoys this but needs to watch the others for confidence. Why does the teacher have her in the front row? Clearly the teacher should have noticed this and swapped positions some time ago. My vote is to let her keep dancing but find a more responsive teacher/studio. Or maybe another style of dance? My DD dropped jazz (but kept tap) when it became clear that despite great footwork she really didn't have all the upper body fluidity needed. Solution? She now does Irish - no upper body movement!
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 23:20     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she can't count music, does the song have lyrics?

Ask the teacher if you can videotape her doing the dance.

If it is a beginner dance, it is probably very 8 count-ish.

There should be obvious moments of transitions, which probably go along with the lyrics and specific music crescendos and moments.

Give your daughter cues from the lyrics which match the transitions, so she can have spots in the dance where she can regroup with what she is supposed to be doing.

Your daughter just might not hear the music or beat. Some kids never do. Add that to being generally uncoordinated, and it can get tricky. You need to help her through this, without making her feel worse than she probably already does.

Don't pull her from recital. That would be heartless, and will stay with her forever.


OP here and wow this is great advice and I only wish I had had it weeks ago. The class has ended. There will not be another one and the recital is next week.

We have practiced with the music at home many times. I have watched and encouraged her at home for months now. Clearly dance is not her thing or at least group dance is not. The problem is not when she is dancing alone its when she is dancing with the group.

To put this in context of how bad it is, my DD is in the front row of girls. Instead of facing forward, she turns her whole body almost all the way around and watches the steps of the girls behind her, then turns around forward and does the steps but of course she is now off and when she turns back around the other girls have moved so that one is coming towards her - this is how the collision happened.

For the music teacher - I appreciate what you are saying a music performance is much different from dance. You can easily suck in a larger group music performance and no one will know. Trust me - I did 4th grade band and couldn't play a note and no one was the wiser.

I have decided to not say anything about the recital and just go as planned but I will not watch her performance. She won't know the difference (big auditorium) and this will keep me from making any critiquing remarks and allow me to just image the best performance ever in my mind.


Last post from me promise because you are digging yourself a bigger hole by the minute but honestly, it isnt that different. I went to conservatory and we had a dance dept there as well. 4th grade band is not a point of comparison. I am a string player and if you put your DD in a string quartet or small string ensemble and there are less than 15 people, she can stick out horribly and cause all sorts of discord ( pun intended). I judge festivals and competitions all the time where this is the case and I also attend student recitals and juries. Parents sit quietly and listen to their children play horrifically some days and they still hug and fawn over them afterwards. Why? Because they are trying and that is BRAVE and you are being a wimp by wanting to pull her out of it for even a second to "save yourself". And now from your last post saying you wont even watch her performance...I just dont know how to even respond to that. It is simply horrible parenting. And if you dont think she will be looking for you you are deluded. I ALWAYS looked for my parents and especially if I was having trouble in concert. ALWAYS. So give yourself a huge F for effort if you dont attend her performance and she has trouble and looks to you for reassurance and you are nowhere to be seen. And why? So you can have an easier time figuring out what to say to her? Are you really that weak with words? Write 10 sentences right now about what you saw in rehearsal today about how brave, hard working, dedicated, and patient with herself she is. Maybe you could learn a thing of two from her in fact.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 23:12     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she can't count music, does the song have lyrics?

Ask the teacher if you can videotape her doing the dance.

If it is a beginner dance, it is probably very 8 count-ish.

There should be obvious moments of transitions, which probably go along with the lyrics and specific music crescendos and moments.

Give your daughter cues from the lyrics which match the transitions, so she can have spots in the dance where she can regroup with what she is supposed to be doing.

Your daughter just might not hear the music or beat. Some kids never do. Add that to being generally uncoordinated, and it can get tricky. You need to help her through this, without making her feel worse than she probably already does.

Don't pull her from recital. That would be heartless, and will stay with her forever.


OP here and wow this is great advice and I only wish I had had it weeks ago. The class has ended. There will not be another one and the recital is next week.

We have practiced with the music at home many times. I have watched and encouraged her at home for months now. Clearly dance is not her thing or at least group dance is not. The problem is not when she is dancing alone its when she is dancing with the group.

To put this in context of how bad it is, my DD is in the front row of girls. Instead of facing forward, she turns her whole body almost all the way around and watches the steps of the girls behind her, then turns around forward and does the steps but of course she is now off and when she turns back around the other girls have moved so that one is coming towards her - this is how the collision happened.

For the music teacher - I appreciate what you are saying a music performance is much different from dance. You can easily suck in a larger group music performance and no one will know. Trust me - I did 4th grade band and couldn't play a note and no one was the wiser.

I have decided to not say anything about the recital and just go as planned but I will not watch her performance. She won't know the difference (big auditorium) and this will keep me from making any critiquing remarks and allow me to just image the best performance ever in my mind. [/quo

Honestly, it sounds like your daughter knows the dance and is just not confident in herself. I would start first by building up her confidence. Have you tried reassuring her that she knows the routine and should stop watching other people? Please, watch her. In fact, video tape her recital! You will wish you had when she's older.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 23:12     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Some people shouldn't be parents.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 22:54     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she can't count music, does the song have lyrics?

Ask the teacher if you can videotape her doing the dance.

If it is a beginner dance, it is probably very 8 count-ish.

There should be obvious moments of transitions, which probably go along with the lyrics and specific music crescendos and moments.

Give your daughter cues from the lyrics which match the transitions, so she can have spots in the dance where she can regroup with what she is supposed to be doing.

Your daughter just might not hear the music or beat. Some kids never do. Add that to being generally uncoordinated, and it can get tricky. You need to help her through this, without making her feel worse than she probably already does.

Don't pull her from recital. That would be heartless, and will stay with her forever.


OP here and wow this is great advice and I only wish I had had it weeks ago. The class has ended. There will not be another one and the recital is next week.

We have practiced with the music at home many times. I have watched and encouraged her at home for months now. Clearly dance is not her thing or at least group dance is not. The problem is not when she is dancing alone its when she is dancing with the group.

To put this in context of how bad it is, my DD is in the front row of girls. Instead of facing forward, she turns her whole body almost all the way around and watches the steps of the girls behind her, then turns around forward and does the steps but of course she is now off and when she turns back around the other girls have moved so that one is coming towards her - this is how the collision happened.

For the music teacher - I appreciate what you are saying a music performance is much different from dance. You can easily suck in a larger group music performance and no one will know. Trust me - I did 4th grade band and couldn't play a note and no one was the wiser.

I have decided to not say anything about the recital and just go as planned but I will not watch her performance. She won't know the difference (big auditorium) and this will keep me from making any critiquing remarks and allow me to just image the best performance ever in my mind.



Well, you definitely wont be winning no mother of the year awards. Bitch yes. I cannot believe a parent would seriously not sit through their childs
performance. I feel so sorry for your child.

And no matter HOW many people are sitting in this big auditorium, believe me, she WILL be looking for you.

My heart breaks for your daughter.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 22:48     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
She will remember for the rest of her life that her mother thinks she is a failure. Think hard before you become that mother.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 22:46     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Anonymous wrote:I am a music teacher and I am kind of appalled you would pull her out for this reason. This is part of being a parent. Your kid will not always be the best at things and sometimes they will be the worst. They still will be interested in learning new things and taking lessons. You need to learn to stomach things like this. Maybe your kid had a bad day. If you are really worried about it, ask the teacher in an email if you have any reason to be concerned and if there is anything you can do between now and the recital.
But basically buck up.



Totally this. What kind of parent are you for wanting to pull your daughter out? Just because she isnt perfect in your eye?

my kids have grown up playing sports, and while some games werent their best, I NEVER would even consider pulling them out of a game
just because their performance wasnt up to your expectations

OP you out to be ashamed of yourself. Are you embarrassed? worried what other parents will think? Sad
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2013 22:40     Subject: Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?
Anonymous wrote:If she can't count music, does the song have lyrics?

Ask the teacher if you can videotape her doing the dance.

If it is a beginner dance, it is probably very 8 count-ish.

There should be obvious moments of transitions, which probably go along with the lyrics and specific music crescendos and moments.

Give your daughter cues from the lyrics which match the transitions, so she can have spots in the dance where she can regroup with what she is supposed to be doing.

Your daughter just might not hear the music or beat. Some kids never do. Add that to being generally uncoordinated, and it can get tricky. You need to help her through this, without making her feel worse than she probably already does.

Don't pull her from recital. That would be heartless, and will stay with her forever.


OP here and wow this is great advice and I only wish I had had it weeks ago. The class has ended. There will not be another one and the recital is next week.

We have practiced with the music at home many times. I have watched and encouraged her at home for months now. Clearly dance is not her thing or at least group dance is not. The problem is not when she is dancing alone its when she is dancing with the group.

To put this in context of how bad it is, my DD is in the front row of girls. Instead of facing forward, she turns her whole body almost all the way around and watches the steps of the girls behind her, then turns around forward and does the steps but of course she is now off and when she turns back around the other girls have moved so that one is coming towards her - this is how the collision happened.

For the music teacher - I appreciate what you are saying a music performance is much different from dance. You can easily suck in a larger group music performance and no one will know. Trust me - I did 4th grade band and couldn't play a note and no one was the wiser.

I have decided to not say anything about the recital and just go as planned but I will not watch her performance. She won't know the difference (big auditorium) and this will keep me from making any critiquing remarks and allow me to just image the best performance ever in my mind.