OP here. Thanks for the suggestions. I think Im just going to have him give a $36 check with a card. And I'll buy him a new suit. Hopefully this will all be perfectly acceptable.

OP, my DD had her bat mitzvah last year, and our experience squares with the posters who say that all gifts were very happily welcomed, at any value (as were the guests who didn't bring any gift.) Don't feel pressured into giving more, and just hope the invitation isn't from one of these (rare) money-grubbing families!

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Anonymous wrote:Jewish parents set up a bank account well before their child turns 13. Jews save money, and give money as gifts for the living. This is why when someone Jewish says their parent died, you do not give them money. In other religions, money is given to pay for the funeral. Jews are savers, and have no problem paying for funerals because they plan ahead. Don't give cash, OP.

So, no one else but Jews open bank accounts or save money? Really?

Not at ALL what was said. Not even close.

People give money for funerals? Never heard that before.

Yeah. In non-jewish religions.

I was raised Episcopal. I've never heard of this.

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Anonymous wrote:I'm Jewish. I invited Jewish and non-Jewish friends to my bat mitzvah. Nobody gave me less than $50, all the girls wore skirts or dresses except the two girls from Israel, and all the boys wore suits except the one from Israel (the Israeli kids dress down), and this was in 1989. So I would feel weird sending my kids to bar or bat mitzvahs giving LESS than what I was given over 20 years ago. I mean, inflation!

OP here, $50 seems like an extremly large amount of money for a 13 year old to gift to his friend. If we do give money we wont be giving that much.

OP, some of the issue is that there is no standard bar/bat mitzvah gift or amount. It really comes down to local trends and traditions. Where I live in DC things are pretty mellow and parents frequently look at the celebration more like a big birthday bash. Where I grew up in Potomac bat/bar mitzvah celebrations tended to resemble wedding receptions. The tenor of the invitation and the location of the party after the religious service will help to give you clues about how the bar/bat mitzvah family perceives the event.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Hmm, seems some think money is the only way to go and some think a gift is OK. I think my son would enjoy giving a gift more than money but I dont want to do that if it's going to be off-putting to the parents.

Would it be weird if I asked the parents if they preferred gift or money? I see them regularly and would feel comfortable bringing it up. But I dont want to do it if it's inappropriate.

I mean this in the nicest way, OP: it's not about what your son would enjoy giving the most.
The parents of the bar mitzvah boy will (hopefully) be classy enough to tell you to give whatever you feel comfortable giving, and will not outrightly say "Please give money." So I think it's kind of a useless question.

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Anonymous wrote:Jewish parents set up a bank account well before their child turns 13. Jews save money, and give money as gifts for the living. This is why when someone Jewish says their parent died, you do not give them money. In other religions, money is given to pay for the funeral. Jews are savers, and have no problem paying for funerals because they plan ahead. Don't give cash, OP.

So, no one else but Jews open bank accounts or save money? Really?

Not at ALL what was said. Not even close.

People give money for funerals? Never heard that before.

Yeah. In non-jewish religions.

Anonymous wrote:I'm Jewish. I invited Jewish and non-Jewish friends to my bat mitzvah. Nobody gave me less than $50, all the girls wore skirts or dresses except the two girls from Israel, and all the boys wore suits except the one from Israel (the Israeli kids dress down), and this was in 1989. So I would feel weird sending my kids to bar or bat mitzvahs giving LESS than what I was given over 20 years ago. I mean, inflation!

OP here, $50 seems like an extremly large amount of money for a 13 year old to gift to his friend. If we do give money we wont be giving that much.

OP, if you feel comfortable, I would definitely ask the parents. My guess is the reply is will be what ever you are comfortable with. You have to come to an anonymous forum to be told the truth..the whole point is the enhance the child's college account! (just kidding!) I wonder what local rabbi's would say if they read this thread.

OP here. Hmm, seems some think money is the only way to go and some think a gift is OK. I think my son would enjoy giving a gift more than money but I dont want to do that if it's going to be off-putting to the parents.

Would it be weird if I asked the parents if they preferred gift or money? I see them regularly and would feel comfortable bringing it up. But I dont want to do it if it's inappropriate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jewish parents set up a bank account well before their child turns 13. Jews save money, and give money as gifts for the living. This is why when someone Jewish says their parent died, you do not give them money. In other religions, money is given to pay for the funeral. Jews are savers, and have no problem paying for funerals because they plan ahead. Don't give cash, OP.

So, no one else but Jews open bank accounts or save money? Really?

Not at ALL what was said. Not even close.

People give money for funerals? Never heard that before.

Just to clarify - it is a MULTIPLIER of $18. Not just $18. If it's family, we would give $640 or so, in check form so you can salvage the situation if lost. If a very close friend, then $270 or break $300. And so on. Ideally, this goes into a college fund so checks are best. Remember the family is laying out thousands of dollars for the event so your cash gift should, at a minimum, cover the cost of your child attending the party, food, etc. Just $18.00 won't cover it. And, yes, checks are best, not gift cards.

I still have some of the jewelry I received at my Bat Mitzvah in 1991. We gave money, watches, jewelry, books, discman, etc.

Give whatever you feel comfortable giving. There is no registry. Money (cash or check) of any amount is always appreciated. $18 (or multiples thereof) is a significant number but by no means obligatory.

I'm Jewish. I invited Jewish and non-Jewish friends to my bat mitzvah. Nobody gave me less than $50, all the girls wore skirts or dresses except the two girls from Israel, and all the boys wore suits except the one from Israel (the Israeli kids dress down), and this was in 1989. So I would feel weird sending my kids to bar or bat mitzvahs giving LESS than what I was given over 20 years ago. I mean, inflation!

Anonymous wrote:Well my 13 year old daughter was quite happy with your ridiculous..and I was happy her friend took the time to join the event and bring a gift. I would never want any of my guests to feel obligated to follow that long list of rules the first poster provided. They may be true for certain families but far from all.

The OP asked. It needs to be left at that. Furthermore, I remember my Jewish friends giving me money and my non-jewish friends gave presents. I cannot remember what those presents where other than a nice silver necklace that one friend gave me. A thoughful age appropriate gift would be a nice idea. OR a group of friends can go in together and get a more expensive nicer gift than one child would give alone.

Anonymous wrote:Well my 13 year old daughter was quite happy with your ridiculous..and I was happy her friend took the time to join the event and bring a gift. I would never want any of my guests to feel obligated to follow that long list of rules the first poster provided. They may be true for certain families but far from all.

+1 My DD will have her bat mitzvah next spring and I would be ashamed if she didn't take all gifts in the spirit in which they were intended. Her bat mitzvah is a celebration of her accomplishment for family and friends. If you're invited, we would like you to come and help us celebrate. If you bring a gift, that's great. If not, we're still glad you took the time to come. It really is that simple.