Anonymous wrote:[I just want to say that your DH must be pretty awesome and supportive. I drew the line years ago as my MIL is a hoarder and SIL/BIL's house is gross - full of fish, turtles, ferrets, hamsters, cats, and dogs. We get a hotel room in town and the nieces come over to swim in the indoor pool. Daytime visiting in the inlaws' houses work for us - but no overnights ever again.
OP here - yes! he has been super supportive and understanding and fully supports me in the decision to confront my folks.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in your expectations, but I'm surprised that no one has mentioned the obligation I think you have here to help them. I think you stated that they are elderly and that this behavior is relatively recent, or at least it wasn't this way your whole life.
One of them (your mom?) could have a serious issue going on, while the other is in denial or just going with the flow to prevent confrontation. If it were my parents, I would be reading up on this and trying to find some help or support system in their area that you could turn to. I know you have a baby on the way to think about, but these are your parents and it sounds like something may be really wrong.
I agree with you and I have tried. My mom has always hoarded, even when I was a kid, but back then it was just clutter and a lack of cleaning for which I, my siblings and dad picked up the slack.
The issue now is really stemming from the addition of the 10 animals. I have a small dog myself and if I don't vacuum religiously, it just gets out of hand. She will clean very occasionally (like twice a year) and then it’s not the type of cleaning that would address the issues (pet dander, elimination stains, carpet/upholstery condition, etc.). I do think that a lot of this stems from a combination of empty-nest syndrome (my brother was around until he was 29 so she had someone to “take care of”) and from losing both of her parents (although at different times, she was very, very close to them). Plus, my sister and I both live 3+ hours away. I thinks she’s replacing people with animals (or maybe I watch too much Hoarders?) She does have some other issues – we think she is very early stages of Alzheimer’s on top of all of this. However, the hoarding behavior is not new and while AD may aggravate or worsen it, it did not begin with this. As for getting her help, we have all talked to her about seeing a doctor/neurologist/counselor (all of these things) and she is adamant in her refusals. She does not want to address what is going on and quite frankly, I am at a loss as to how to “force” her to get treatment? The house is not in the condition that would trigger APS action and the animals certainly are not dangerous. They eat better than we do and are taken to the vet/medicated, etc. religiously. They are also not breaking any laws as in rural SC you are not limited to 2 or 3 pets in any way and they are technically on a “farm.” If we all sat down with her together and talked to her, I am 100% certain it would end in the same way as all previous discussions: shut down/silent treatment. We tried it once re: getting her to a neurologist for AD diagnosis. No dice. The only thing that will eventually make that a reality, I fear, is when she has an episode that really scares her enough to make her want to do something about it. Very frustrating and sad.