Anonymous wrote:OP, this board is crazy. You threatened to kill him *if he touched you*. He then proceeded to drag you around, thus justifying your concern. But honestly, none of that matters. Get out. The marriage is toxic. Your kids deserve better than this. I don't care if it happens every six months.

This is not normal and it's not good parenting. I hope next time the neighbor calls the police because you need a wake up call.

Op here-

We are separating. Separate places. Thanks for helping me, to those that did.

OP, this board is crazy. You threatened to kill him *if he touched you*. He then proceeded to drag you around, thus justifying your concern. But honestly, none of that matters. Get out. The marriage is toxic. Your kids deserve better than this. I don't care if it happens every six months.

This is not normal and it's not good parenting. I hope next time the neighbor calls the police because you need a wake up call.

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Sorry for the criticism on here.
I have been visiting this page for a few mos. now and I see some of the meanest statements written.
People come here seeking advice and input.
Not to be judged and be called every name in the book.

Let the haters drink the hater-ade. Ignore them and focus on the positive people on here who really want to help you out.

Thank you for this.

I do acknowledge my own problems. I stated earlier I am definitely not innocent, it takes two to tango. I appreciate the effort of those who want me to see the err of my ways. I do see them.

Just to correct spelling from my earlier posts -- my husband gets drunk once every two months.

Somehow I read through this entire series of comments.
At this stage, I kinda agree with most posters: the issue is NOT the threats, it is the way the two of you act. To re-cap: you admit both of you got drunk. A fight starts, and during the fight, you detest his words and actions. Gee, what a shocker. I am not endorsing his actions at all. If one of you was dumb enough to actually call the police, they would've come, and most likely arrested you both, and had your kids taken away. Does that meet your definition of goof parenting? And, if you left out of fear of him, does that mean the kids were safe? The two of you need to grow up, or, separate. Counseling at this stage seems a waste of time and money.

OP:

Sorry for the criticism on here.
I have been visiting this page for a few mos. now and I see some of the meanest statements written.
People come here seeking advice and input.
Not to be judged and be called every name in the book.

Let the haters drink the hater-ade. Ignore them and focus on the positive people on here who really want to help you out.

Obviously alcohol and your husband are a recipe for disaster so he needs to cut liquor from his life which won't be easy if he is a heavy drinker. If I were you, every time from now on that he took a drink, I would start getting scared.

I think what he did WAS abusive OP, I mean, you specifically asked him to stop and he didn't. What is worse here is that he actually dragged you to where he wanted you to go, then tried to keep you from leaving again. This is false imprisonment and that is a felony.

Since you have a child or children, you both need to figure out what to do now.
Do you want to stay and try to work it out for your family's sake?
If so, then neither of you must ever drink. Plain and simple.

If you really are hell bent on leaving, is there a close friend or family member that can take you and your child(ren) in for a while? And someone to assist you financially while you figure out things?

This isn't going to be easy either way, but you cannot allow this to ever happen to you again.

It could be an isolated incident, or it could be a red flag that this man has a violent personality trait.
Either way, changes should be made right away.

I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you will be okay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: You two are both idiots. Who cares who-started-what or is-this-domestic-violence. Newsflash: You are both drunken idiots.

Yes, I would advise you to leave the situation, for a time, and focus on your own sobriety. Once you've been clean and sober for a month things may come into focus and you can make intelligent decisions about your life. God help you if you have kids, but if you do, try to get them to a safe, sane and sober relative while you work on your issues.

For this others -- I've heard about several situations like the above, one while on jury duty, several others from cop friends. The only conclusion any outside observer comes to when seeing this kind of fray is: They. Are. Both. Idiots. You don't want to get the police or a jury involved here. Just GET. OUT.

Thanks but I don't have a drinking problem. I have a few drinks on the weekends and mainly a glass of wine with dinner. My husband feud drunk once every two months. We returned from a wedding so that it why we were both drunk. An actual rare occurance.

OP, the major problem is not that you were drunk, it's the way this fight occurred and escalated. If you were both sober it would have been just as bad. Clearly there are a lot of problems here and you both have problems, and you need to acknowledge that. I think that is what the pps are saying- this is not a one-sided thing on DH's part, you are problematic as well. I actually think that if something like this occurred just once in a marriage when DH was drunk and times were really bad, it would not be a deal-breaker all by itself. But you indicate that there is a lot of abuse in the relationship. My father was abusive to my mother and I can tell you that he wasn't the only one with issues. She needed help and counseling too, and she never got that help. I think it took her decades to develop the understanding of herself that she should have had in her 30s.

Anonymous wrote:OP: You two are both idiots. Who cares who-started-what or is-this-domestic-violence. Newsflash: You are both drunken idiots.

Yes, I would advise you to leave the situation, for a time, and focus on your own sobriety. Once you've been clean and sober for a month things may come into focus and you can make intelligent decisions about your life. God help you if you have kids, but if you do, try to get them to a safe, sane and sober relative while you work on your issues.

For this others -- I've heard about several situations like the above, one while on jury duty, several others from cop friends. The only conclusion any outside observer comes to when seeing this kind of fray is: They. Are. Both. Idiots. You don't want to get the police or a jury involved here. Just GET. OUT.

Thanks but I don't have a drinking problem. I have a few drinks on the weekends and mainly a glass of wine with dinner. My husband feud drunk once every two months. We returned from a wedding so that it why we were both drunk. An actual rare occurance.

Op here. Thanks for the responses and taking the time to write.

No, we did not drive drunk.

I put this post out there because I needed support. Thanks for those who gave me some. I'm a pretty benign person, I don't get angry. I felt intimidated by his chasing me so I asked him not to touch me, or else. Things have not really gotten better since therapy mainly because I want to leave him but he is not taking it well. I want to try to work this out but after this, I absolutely cannot go back to this man.

I asked him to put me down after the times he restrained me from leaving. He wouldn't let me leave. We live in a huge building so there are areas I could go to to sit down. I didn't leave the building after finally getting away. Hope this helps make or more clear.

OP: You two are both idiots. Who cares who-started-what or is-this-domestic-violence. Newsflash: You are both drunken idiots.

Yes, I would advise you to leave the situation, for a time, and focus on your own sobriety. Once you've been clean and sober for a month things may come into focus and you can make intelligent decisions about your life. God help you if you have kids, but if you do, try to get them to a safe, sane and sober relative while you work on your issues.

For this others -- I've heard about several situations like the above, one while on jury duty, several others from cop friends. The only conclusion any outside observer comes to when seeing this kind of fray is: They. Are. Both. Idiots. You don't want to get the police or a jury involved here. Just GET. OUT.

Lawyer here- not against the law to say IF you touch me I will kill you.
Definitely time to stop drinking and to separate.

I think OP wants us to say, "hey, this guy is physically abusive, leave him," and that's true. He is physically abusive at this point, so you're justified in leaving. But obviously you also have problems, OP. You got drunk with this emotionally abusive person and engaged him in an argument that eventually reached threats and violence. There's a lot wrong with that. I hope you get some counseling as well as you go through this process and not see the "dh was abusive" as an excuse to ignore your own serious issues.

Yes it is abuse

Anonymous wrote:OP, he picked you up and threw you multiple times. Obviously you know that what he did was physically abusive. So I'm wondering what you're actual goal with this post was?

That being said, if someone was throwing me on to the ground, you better believe there'd be a "I'm gonna kill you" of some sort coming out of me. Not sure why everyone's harping on that point.

Seriously. If my husband started chasing me around the room, you can bet I'd say whatever it took to get him to back the fuck off. Which clearly didn't work, but those who are equating an empty verbal threat with a physical attack, or using the former to justify the latter, are loons.

Anonymous wrote:Physical abuse. You need to separate immediately based on this and past emotional and verbal abuse. I'm in couples therapy right now and just learned that the emotional abuse are more damaging to one's psyche than physical, which I never thought about. You may also be doing the abusing, but the bottom line is you two at the very least need a time out and therapy.

Oh, and try not to second guess whether or not this was abuse. It was. Memories begin to fade and confusion and self doubt creep in. Please don't let that stop you from seeking time apart and professional help.

Good luck. Stay strong.

+1

It doesn't matter what you said. People who trust each other can get angry and say whatever the hell without fearing that they are going to be dragged, thrown down, and prevented from leaving their homes. Lord knows I've said plenty of things in the heat the moment over the course of 20 years, as has my husband, and we make up, apologize, and move on. Nobody drags or throws anyone.