Anonymous wrote:Eh, spend three bucks and send a card the kids sign to save the peace.

+1000.

It clearly means a lot to her to be recognized and it's SO easy to do something small. Your brother and father were both wrong to let the disagreement spark two years of not speaking, but I wouldn't go down that path if I were you.

I have been step mother tp my husbands children since they were small. They have never acknowledged me on Mother's Day and it never bothered me until the child we are closest to had a child 6 years ago. I have been Grandma to this child since she was born, just like my own son's children, spending time with her, buying clothing and gifts on all the right occasions, taking her on vacations. I love her and she loves me. This, of course, is also done for the adults, with whom I have a good relationship. My husband got cards on Father's Day, from the parents and child, and at least one handmade card to Grandpa one Father's Day. I have never received anything. iIt hurt me, a lot, and felt like a very pointed and unkind omission but I never said anything until this year, after my husband died suddenly a few months ago. His daugter, mother of the child, and I spent a lot of time together, at the hospital, planning the funeral, etc. She was wonderful, warm and supportive. I thought this Mother's Day might be different, perhaps a little card from the granddaughter. It wasn't, I crashed a bit and told the stepdaughter how much it hurt me not to be acknowledged on Mother's Day. She didn't take it well, and sees this as me not appreciating all the support and help she was thru her Father's death. I hurt her feelings by telling her and she s saying this must never happen again. Was I wrong? I just want the child to make a little card, or something, for me on Mother's Day, because she loves me and I'm her Grandma.

Hurting widow

Another one who doesn't do grandparents day. I send my stepmother a generic happy mothers day card from all of us. Kids send specific happy mothers day grandma cards to dh's mom (my mom died). I always send a card to my great aunt who I've always considered my third grandma.

Your stepmom sounds kind and loving. This means something to her for whatever reason. It's a small thing to send a kind and loving card from the kids.

Anonymous wrote:Here's the backstory. My father's wife does not have any children of her own. She married my dad when we were adults (youngest sibling was 24) We don't even refer to her as step-mom - it's just too weird. She's our father's wife. I like her enough. She's great, nice, everything is fine. We have children now and she is wonderful with our kids (more than even my mom - who "tolerates" the toddlers but has never offered to take the kids on her own - unlike my dad's wife).

The kids call dad's wife grandma and spend a lot of time with her. when my son was born, my dad made a big deal about mother's day and insisted we do something for his wife - since she's his grandma. (as a backstory, my brother refused with his kids saying she is not his mother and the kids will recognize her on "grandparents day" but not mother's day and there was a huge fight leading to them not speaking for about 2 years). So, when my son was born, we gave a gift and card that said "happy mother's day, grandma" and this has gone on for about 4 years (we now have 2 kids).

for some reason, this year it's sitting really weird with me. I now get my brother's position. This woman is not my mother, and we don't do "happy mother's day, grandma" from the kids to my own mother, or DH's mother. (We do a Happy mother's day from us - their kids - but not from their grandkids. So this year, for whatever reason, I feel really fake and weird giving this woman a mother's day wish from people that aren't her children.

Anyone have any thoughts?

OP, keep up the tradition of the gift and card. Your step-mom deserves to be remembered and everyone will benefit from your gesture . I'm sure she cherishes it.

Anonymous wrote:10:31 again.

You also have to tell your dad to lay off. A card suffices. If he has a problem wtih it tell him to buy her some effing flowers on behalf of the grandkids

I agree. Your dad can be upset that his "kids" aren't acknowledging his wife "appropriately" on Mother's Day, but he doesn't get to dictate what they give. If you want to send a card but not flowers, a card has to be enough. He doesn't get to tell people what kind of gift is ok. I do get his point that its a slap not to say she's legitimate by not sending a card at all though and it's a little thing to do to make her (and dad) feel good.

10:31 again.

You also have to tell your dad to lay off. A card suffices. If he has a problem wtih it tell him to buy her some effing flowers on behalf of the grandkids

No one really celebrates grandparents day (when is it anyway?!).

If she's great to your kids then have your kids scribble a card or send flowers on their behalf. Why is this such a big deal? I take it yuo and your brother inherited the scrooge gene from your bio mom?

We don't do Grandparents Day. We do mother's day and father's day for everyone who is either in that role or acts that role. And some years, I do one of those discount things where I can get 12 cards for $12 and send them all the *same* personalized photo card saying "Happy Mother's Day" to aunts, friends, godmothers, grandmothers, steps ... oh yeah and our birthmothers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the backstory. My father's wife does not have any children of her own. She married my dad when we were adults (youngest sibling was 24) We don't even refer to her as step-mom - it's just too weird. She's our father's wife. I like her enough. She's great, nice, everything is fine. We have children now and she is wonderful with our kids (more than even my mom - who "tolerates" the toddlers but has never offered to take the kids on her own - unlike my dad's wife).

The kids call dad's wife grandma and spend a lot of time with her. when my son was born, my dad made a big deal about mother's day and insisted we do something for his wife - since she's his grandma. (as a backstory, my brother refused with his kids saying she is not his mother and the kids will recognize her on "grandparents day" but not mother's day and there was a huge fight leading to them not speaking for about 2 years). So, when my son was born, we gave a gift and card that said "happy mother's day, grandma" and this has gone on for about 4 years (we now have 2 kids).

for some reason, this year it's sitting really weird with me. I now get my brother's position. This woman is not my mother, and we don't do "happy mother's day, grandma" from the kids to my own mother, or DH's mother. (We do a Happy mother's day from us - their kids - but not from their grandkids. So this year, for whatever reason, I feel really fake and weird giving this woman a mother's day wish from people that aren't her children.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Your brother is making way too much out of Hallmark holidays. We don't celebrate grandparent's day, because that is even more made-up than mother's day. Honestly, you're overthinking this. You send her a card from your kids, it makes her happy, it costs you basically nothing. (You could include your kids on the card to your mom or MIL if you wanted.) I agree with the PP who said to always err on the side of kindness. You may not be "obligated" to do anything, but do you really want your interactions with loving family members to be determined just by obligation? If it wasn't called mother's day, you surely wouldn't have any problem with helping your kids express their love for their stepgrandmother. So don't make a problem when there isn't one.

OP here again and you are right. It has become such a nightmare with my brother and father. Last year, my dad actually went out and bought 3 mother's day cards for each of my brother's kids to sign and send back and he went to brother's house and dropped them off with a note that was something like, "this should help you remember to send MD cards to [XX]" Brother threw them out. Ugh, it's so annoying. Yes, you all convinced me I just need to do it even if it feels weird to not get into this pissing contest.

"Someone asked if she's a mother-figure to me. this made me laugh....but only because she's around my age so, no...more like a sister (yep - my gross dad married a woman his daughter's age). "


Gooooo Dad!

Anonymous wrote:Here's the backstory. My father's wife does not have any children of her own. She married my dad when we were adults (youngest sibling was 24) We don't even refer to her as step-mom - it's just too weird. She's our father's wife. I like her enough. She's great, nice, everything is fine. We have children now and she is wonderful with our kids (more than even my mom - who "tolerates" the toddlers but has never offered to take the kids on her own - unlike my dad's wife).

The kids call dad's wife grandma and spend a lot of time with her. when my son was born, my dad made a big deal about mother's day and insisted we do something for his wife - since she's his grandma. (as a backstory, my brother refused with his kids saying she is not his mother and the kids will recognize her on "grandparents day" but not mother's day and there was a huge fight leading to them not speaking for about 2 years). So, when my son was born, we gave a gift and card that said "happy mother's day, grandma" and this has gone on for about 4 years (we now have 2 kids).

for some reason, this year it's sitting really weird with me. I now get my brother's position. This woman is not my mother, and we don't do "happy mother's day, grandma" from the kids to my own mother, or DH's mother. (We do a Happy mother's day from us - their kids - but not from their grandkids. So this year, for whatever reason, I feel really fake and weird giving this woman a mother's day wish from people that aren't her children.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Your brother is making way too much out of Hallmark holidays. We don't celebrate grandparent's day, because that is even more made-up than mother's day. Honestly, you're overthinking this. You send her a card from your kids, it makes her happy, it costs you basically nothing. (You could include your kids on the card to your mom or MIL if you wanted.) I agree with the PP who said to always err on the side of kindness. You may not be "obligated" to do anything, but do you really want your interactions with loving family members to be determined just by obligation? If it wasn't called mother's day, you surely wouldn't have any problem with helping your kids express their love for their stepgrandmother. So don't make a problem when there isn't one.

Anonymous wrote:You admit this woman is good to your kids. You are not acknowledging that she is your mother. You are simply saying Happy Mothers Day, Grandma on Mothers Day. What is so wrong acknowledging her on Mother's Day. I get a card from my godson on Mothers day - I guess I don't see the need to make a dramatic statement like your brother did. I also don't happen to agree with your father forcing the issue, but for goodness sakes, this woman cares for and looks after your most precious gifts - is a card and small token really too much hassle?

+1

Why don't you take the kids to the store and let them pick something little to give her? Then it's all them and not you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will discover as your life goes on that sometimes "family" is not the cut and dry representation you've been taught to believe. There are deaths and divorces, drugged up relatives, abusive relatives, cross country moves, etc. You should never exclude someone who actively participates in yours or your child's lives.

My mother died 22 years ago. My aunt is my Momma. She didn't give birth to me, but I certainly send her a card, tell her how much she means to me, etc. My father remarried and I resisted the Stepmom relationship for years. We get along well though, so I send her a card as well to make her feel included. Her mother acted as a grandmother and I also send her a card.

When I moved away from my family, I built a new one. My "brothers" are a bunch of guys who looked out for me. My "sisters" are the couple girls I could actually get along with. I am their children's "Aunt." I have aunts and uncles that are my parents best friends from childhood as well.

Think about this quote:
"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."

Just because she isn't your mom, doesn't mean she can't be grandma to your kids. She clearly loves them and does good things for them. It would be a shame for your children to lose someone like that because you can't get over sending her a card to make her feel welcome in the family.

OP here... Again, I think you misunderstand my question. I've bolded the parts that I think don't apply to me. I never said she wasn't a grandma to my kids - she is absolutely a grandma - my question is - does grandma get a mother's day gift (in our situation, my dad would give me a hard time if it's just a card - need to give flowers or something too).

Anyway, you all are right - better to err on the side of kindness; it isn't a big deal to give her something and it would be much more hurtful to stop now - and I really don't want to be hurtful - but seriously, it really does feel weird sending this woman something on mother's day.

Why send her something then? God, so many doormat women on this thread. If it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. Your dad marries some young honeypot and you are supposed to send her some I wuv you Grammy card? Give me a break.