As some one who was on the side lines when my brother decided to cut the cord from a truly mentally ill and abusive relative, I will say that it would have been easier on the extended family if they could have kept it at limited contact instead of "you're dead to me" and refusing to be in the same room together. I think the extremity of his reaction really layered on to the pain people were already feeling.

But I understand that you need to do what you can to protect your child.

I am so sorry OP. I know how painful this can be. My DH and I are going through this with his twin sister who has either NPD or BPD and/or both. Because he finally stood up to her after years of her treating us like crap, she has decided we are not allowed to see our nephews (who we were VERY close with due to her instability), she has not seen our older son in over a year and has never seen our acknowledged the birth of our youngest. She throws a fit about family functions and refuses to go if we are there and my inlaws have enabled her their entire life. Thus, we have been asked to leave places early so she could then come by with the kids, etc. Speical events become all about her and her mandates. And we have NEVER said we could not be around her or she could not see our children.
We finally had to realize like you that we just had to let it go and let the chips fall where they may. It is still really hard though and I do mourn the loss of my nephews and their relationship with my children. Hugs and protect your family first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have to ask yourself getting back at her is worth losing your father and sister for and ultimately a grandfather and aunts for your child, because that seems to be the choice you are making. Your anxiety is your issue. BTW, if alcohol is the catalyst why does your family have alcohol when you are altogether. Forget the wine and maybe things would simmer down.


It doesn't sound like you have much experience with family dysfunction. If OP's family isn't willing to establish boundaries on the SM's behavior why would they put limits on alcohol consumption. Also, OP said that wine is not necessary for a blow up. The issue is whatever personality disorder the SM has.

I have entirely too much experience with family dysfunction. What OP is doing was done in my own family. People chose sides and now most people do not speak to one another--going on 10 years. Nieces and nephews lost aunts and uncles, cousins have no contact and the ones who started it all are not all alone and depressed because they have no family left. It sucks. The whole family is effected when someone cuts all contact. You can create healthy boundaries without doing something so drastic that people are forced to take sides.

And if people don't respect 'healthy boundaries', what are the consequences?

There are always 'sides' and people will always be choosing. If OP decides to remove herself from situations where her SM crosses boundaries OP's family will have 'choose' whether they'll accept her choice. And, if your family is 'all alone and depressed because they have no family left', they should get some counseling and learn to develop a support network. Lots of people have no family either by circumstance or by choice. Family isn't determined by blood alone.

Exactly. You can create your own network. I grew up in a family where people suckled it up for the sake of having the cousins and aunts and uncle experience. It sucked and it caused such stress for my parents. Close friend of mine had what everyone claimed was a close knit family. Turned out there was sexual abuse and nobody wanted to turn in the uncle and break up the family.

Few people cut off at whim. Sometimes it is the only one to keep your sanity and health.

You know what kids need more than anything else? Healthy, happy parents. If family stresses the parents to the max, it is NOT better for the kids. Also, kids are not idiots. They see the drama and they learn and they wonder why it's OK to behave this way.

SIL had the view that you put up with it because their family. Her marriages suffered and ended up in frequent fighting and now her daughter is in an abusive relationship. Her daughter told her she has never seen what a healthy marriage or healthy family relationship looks like and she lashed out about the fact SIL taught her to tolerate emotional abuse.

They sound like my in-laws!! I am totally with you OP!

Dysfunctional families often strive to keep the status quo. You are shaking things up and it's making everyone uncomfortabl. There is going to be incredible resistance, but the healthy ones will come around and accept your decisions. Some might come around. Others will continue to scapegoat you, but which would you rather be...the bad sibling who leads a peaceful life or the good sibling who is unhappy and setting a bad example for her kids?

We've been in a similar situation and I can honestly tell you it was the best choice for our family.They still to this day try to drag as in and then make us the villains but we just ignore it and try to be polite but distant.

You have a right to say no to the drama.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have to ask yourself getting back at her is worth losing your father and sister for and ultimately a grandfather and aunts for your child, because that seems to be the choice you are making. Your anxiety is your issue. BTW, if alcohol is the catalyst why does your family have alcohol when you are altogether. Forget the wine and maybe things would simmer down.


It doesn't sound like you have much experience with family dysfunction. If OP's family isn't willing to establish boundaries on the SM's behavior why would they put limits on alcohol consumption. Also, OP said that wine is not necessary for a blow up. The issue is whatever personality disorder the SM has.

I have entirely too much experience with family dysfunction. What OP is doing was done in my own family. People chose sides and now most people do not speak to one another--going on 10 years. Nieces and nephews lost aunts and uncles, cousins have no contact and the ones who started it all are not all alone and depressed because they have no family left. It sucks. The whole family is effected when someone cuts all contact. You can create healthy boundaries without doing something so drastic that people are forced to take sides.

And if people don't respect 'healthy boundaries', what are the consequences?

There are always 'sides' and people will always be choosing. If OP decides to remove herself from situations where her SM crosses boundaries OP's family will have 'choose' whether they'll accept her choice. And, if your family is 'all alone and depressed because they have no family left', they should get some counseling and learn to develop a support network. Lots of people have no family either by circumstance or by choice. Family isn't determined by blood alone.

Anonymous wrote:I would try to use the baby's arrival as a fresh start. Invite any and all. Never talk about one family member to another, or listen to them bitch about it.

And the second any yelling or abuse starts, just excuse yourself with the baby. Always have an exit plan, a non-confrontational one. Kindly say you are tired, or baby needs a nap. You can get away with this for at least the first year.

Feign illness, whatever, to remove yourself from any drama. Eventually it will all recalibrate around your non participation.

This is kind of what we've done with my MIL. We love both my MIL and my FIL dearly. But MIL is toxic. Very similar to the way you describe your stepmother. We have drastically cut back on the amount of time we spend with them and we always have a way out. For example, we'll visit them, but we stay in a nearby hotel claiming that it's just easier for everyone. We limit our interactions with them to a monthly phone call and a day or so during holidays.

Protect yourself and your family first.

Anonymous wrote:
You have to ask yourself getting back at her is worth losing your father and sister for and ultimately a grandfather and aunts for your child, because that seems to be the choice you are making. Your anxiety is your issue. BTW, if alcohol is the catalyst why does your family have alcohol when you are altogether. Forget the wine and maybe things would simmer down.


It doesn't sound like you have much experience with family dysfunction. If OP's family isn't willing to establish boundaries on the SM's behavior why would they put limits on alcohol consumption. Also, OP said that wine is not necessary for a blow up. The issue is whatever personality disorder the SM has.

I have entirely too much experience with family dysfunction. What OP is doing was done in my own family. People chose sides and now most people do not speak to one another--going on 10 years. Nieces and nephews lost aunts and uncles, cousins have no contact and the ones who started it all are not all alone and depressed because they have no family left. It sucks. The whole family is effected when someone cuts all contact. You can create healthy boundaries without doing something so drastic that people are forced to take sides.

I agree with 19:19. I grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional/abusive family. Well into adulthood, I always blamed my father for it. It wasn't until after I had my own kids that I realized how complicit my mother was in all of this. The horror of it really hit home and even after a couple years of therapy I still can't understand how my mother didn't do something to protect us - rather than teaching us to do whatever it took to appease my father. It was really difficult for me to face the reality of the role my mother played. I suspect at some point after you have your DC, you may come to the same realization.