You're nanny is lying if she says she enjoys having them there. Used to nanny while in college and I would have been so pissed if my employer's family members constantly came in during the week.

I feel bad for you because you seem to not have any boundaries. Be straight with your inlaws and speak up!

i am sorry op. if my inlaws lived close they would probably do the same thing. i cant stand when they say "we dont want to see you we just want to see the baby" in reference to visits or facetime. i get it but the baby is a baby amd therefore its my time too that they are asking for.
i would have some serious discussions with your husband about expectations and boundaries. you both need to be happy and you both need to comprimise to make that happen. my inlaws are the same push back type and the more you stand firm the better but it has to be standing firm from both your dh and you not just you.
i would not let anyone try and guilt trip you into leaving the baby if you are not ready. that is totally normal and ok and you should do that when you are ready not when someone bullied you into it.
when they ask to visit on weekends and you dont want to at the time they asked/demanded - have you tried saying that weekend will not work for us but we would love to have you over next saturday night for dinner. or something like that? a deny with a alternate suggestion attached? or maybe you and your husband should plan out in advance what times you are ok with visitors and when you want just your own time?
is this their first grandchild?
i am a very private person and greatly enjoy my space so i can relate. it has been hard to adjust to the inlaws wanting more time from us since we had the baby but we live out of town so that has been our saving grace.

The baby is yours, but also your husband's and it sounds like he values the time his family spends with the baby. It seems like a compromise is in order.

Does your nanny drive? Is there a way the baby could spend time with Grandma outside of your home? Perhaps Grandma and baby could sign up together for Music Together or some such thing. The nanny could take the baby there to meet Grandma? Then Grandma could anticipate a regular time together, and you could have your house kept private.

Ugh. This is not cool. My primary concern would be the nanny - this would not fly with most nannies, and I can hardly blame them. You very well might lose your nanny over this.

Secondarily, this evidences a lack of boundaries and an inability of your DH to draw lines with his family.

Visits should be on weekends. Your DH should take the kids to visit the ILs, or meet them at the local park or whatever. You should stay home and rest, or meet some friends for brunch.

This doesn't sound like a huge problem. Tell them you have plans and play dates on the weekend. Tell them they are welcome to come over on the weekdays and not to move your stuff. If they don't like hearing it, boo him. They'll get over it. If they don't stop after telling them, tell ten thy aren't welcome when your not home. They have to be respectful. If they are good to your children, you really shouldn't limit their interaction just because you don't like them. That's not fair to our child or your husband. Just leave and do some self-pampering when they're there on the weekends.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To address some questions: DH and I worked overseas where we met and got married, so I had a very vague idea of his family. They did make an impression of extremely intrusive and pushy during the wedding, but I did not have enough time to make conclusions. We moved in the area when the baby was born. As many have noted, I am more annoyed by the whole dismissal of my wishes and opinions. I would be more open to a dialog if they ASKED to come I've, but they simply decided to do so. And honestly, I am not used to seeing family all the time, twice a months is plenty for me, 9 times a months would be just too much. I feel that I lost my independence as a person with this move, I guess I am not a collectivisti. type.

That is a clear boundary to make then: any time they state, not ask is an automatic no. I think DH and you need to spell this out. This home is your home, this baby is your baby. You love the family, but they must respect your wishes with regard to your home and family. Stop being so available, and start saying no now.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I wrote earlier that it was selfish not to let them visit. I should add - they should leave before you arrive home. Unless invited, they should not be staying for dinner or reorganizing your home. Just talk to them with DH and let them know it is ok for them to visit with the baby while you are at work (is that ok, op?), but that they need to be out by XX time.

Unless invited, they shouldn't be coming over at all! I can't imagine just declaring to a relative that I had decided that I would now be visiting their home once or twice a week while they were out (or otherwise), and tough shit if they didn't like it.

Ok, I wrote earlier that it was selfish not to let them visit. I should add - they should leave before you arrive home. Unless invited, they should not be staying for dinner or reorganizing your home. Just talk to them with DH and let them know it is ok for them to visit with the baby while you are at work (is that ok, op?), but that they need to be out by XX time.

Explain to your DH that your home is your sanctuary and that he few hours between work and baby's bedtime are the most precious hours of your day--you shouldn't have to share either. Then be ready with some compromises. You don't want them in the house without you, because it feels invasive ("Oh don't be silly? You think they/we will steal something?!" Response: "It is my home, and I have a right to limit visitors if I feel like it.") but you are willing to come visit them at their house every other weekend and they can meet up with nanny at X park every Tuesday from A-B and at Y library every Friday from C-D and you are willing to host a big family dinner one Sunday a month. Be very reasonable and accomodating and discuss it with DH in advance and be sure he is onboard. Then if they overreact and flip out, it is in response to something reasonable that DH previously agreed to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any compromise there that might work? If your nanny is OK with the visits, maybe ask to limit them to mornings only so the baby can nap later? Most kids are at their best in the mornings, so the request makes sense. Then they will have to shoo before you get home.

Let your husband handle the daily phone calls.

I'd probably keep up with the every other weekend visit. Why not go to their house so you can leave when you like?

+1. This would minimize your time with them. My mother likes to rearrange things at my house, event though I've asked her not to. It's not worth the emotional energy to be upset about.

I believe this is different with your own mother, you grew up with her.

Anonymous wrote:Any compromise there that might work? If your nanny is OK with the visits, maybe ask to limit them to mornings only so the baby can nap later? Most kids are at their best in the mornings, so the request makes sense. Then they will have to shoo before you get home.

Let your husband handle the daily phone calls.

I'd probably keep up with the every other weekend visit. Why not go to their house so you can leave when you like?

+1. This would minimize your time with them. My mother likes to rearrange things at my house, event though I've asked her not to. It's not worth the emotional energy to be upset about.

Any compromise there that might work? If your nanny is OK with the visits, maybe ask to limit them to mornings only so the baby can nap later? Most kids are at their best in the mornings, so the request makes sense. Then they will have to shoo before you get home.

Let your husband handle the daily phone calls.

I'd probably keep up with the every other weekend visit. Why not go to their house so you can leave when you like?

Anonymous wrote:They come in your house when you are not there? And still there when you get home? That would drive me insane. Who is your DH really married to, his mom? Trust me, in later years you will wonder why you did not learn to say no. As for people who think this is "free babysitting" it comes with a huge price. Also you already have a nanny. As for cultural -- the biggest excuse ever to take over your life. no "culture" gives anyone the right to be in your home when you are not there -- except maybe some very backward, wife is the slave and lowest ranking member of the household ones. My MIL tried to say that her "Japanese" background in the state dept gave her the Japanese MIL right to run my life. Nice try, but no.

LOL she actually said this?

I guess I don't really think a grandparent wanting to see their grandchild once a week is crazy, especially seeing as most of the visit is when OP isn't even home.

I think you absolutely have a right to set limits on who is in your home and when. I think though that different people grew up with very different experiences with extended family and you have to find a happy medium without treating people poorly (especially when their intentions are good).

And to the people saying who cares what DH wants and thinks, if OP doesn't want them they should be there. I agree it should a joint decision but I disagree that his opinion and perspective is insignificant.

They come in your house when you are not there? And still there when you get home? That would drive me insane. Who is your DH really married to, his mom? Trust me, in later years you will wonder why you did not learn to say no. As for people who think this is "free babysitting" it comes with a huge price. Also you already have a nanny. As for cultural -- the biggest excuse ever to take over your life. no "culture" gives anyone the right to be in your home when you are not there -- except maybe some very backward, wife is the slave and lowest ranking member of the household ones. My MIL tried to say that her "Japanese" background in the state dept gave her the Japanese MIL right to run my life. Nice try, but no.