Anonymous wrote:Multiple of $18 ... which multiple depends on how close you are to the family!

How about a classmate?

It always amazes me how many people are so certain that their way of giving/celebrating/thinking applies to all Jews (or any other group). There is no set gift. Non money gifts are fine as are amounts that have nothing to do with 18. Traditions are very different in different families, synagogues etc. If you give money, it doesn't always go to college..it might go to charity..it might go to itunes. Give what you want, enjoy the celebration.

Anonymous wrote:Why are nonJews commenting on what is appropriate? It is very important to treat a bar or bat mitzvah for what it is, a transition into full responsibility for carrying out all the mitzvot required of us. A bar or bat mitzvah shows Torah learning and shared his or her insights. You don't show appreciation for that with an iTunes card. The party is NOT a birthday party and in no way should resemble such. It is a major life cycle event of utmost importance. No child studies and learns for a birthday party No child has to prepare a dvar torah for a birthday party. A birthday gift is insulting. Yes, bonds and shekel savings are great gifts. Investing in their adulthood or Judaic gifts or gifts that reflect their tie to Israel ...

For those in communities where they have one every weekend, I would suggest a community pool. Our grade representative collects $100 from each parent in 6th grade and again in 7th (6th for the girls age 12 & 7th for the boys age 13). This way, we don't have constant obligations and the child receives one nice gift from her school friends.

well, op was a non jew asking what is appropriate. And for non-jews the answer is different. We are back to what you thinh, or the general non jews think, is an appropriate sum a boy can expect from classmates. Perhaps a family could have an adults only party if the kids friends are not wealthy enough

it is wrong to give so little, at least 36 but 50 or 54 is more appropriate from a school friend all adults should give at least 100, trust me your meal is way more than that. If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor taste

Let me see if I get this straight, if my Christian child is invited to a friend's bar or bat mitzvah, I should give 36 to 54 to offset what the parents spent on the party? I just don't think that is appropriate advice. I appreciate the religious significance but when a child starts inviting non-jewish school friends from and the expectation is give large cash gifts is ridiculous.

I know of these huge hotel bar mitzvah's with Dj's, bands, video game entertainment companies, open bars and huge dinners for adults, so if my child is invited to one of those big fests I should kick in a $100. Sorry but the big party is your choice, not mine so don't invite non-jewish friends if the money is that important.

"If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor taste" is probably the shocking advice I have heard for children in a long time. So a thirteen year old has to turn down invitations so that they can give LARGER cash gifts to the ones they decide to attend? Unbelievable.

wow. as the parents of a recent bar mitzvsh boy: first, the meal we served wasnt any hundred dollars. we kept the thing csual and jewish. second, i would be so disappointed and perplexed if someone didnt come because they couldnt afford what you think is appropriate. i threw the party so that the people we love could share our joy.

^^^^ This is the bar mitzvah I hope my children are lucky enough to be invited to. My kids have super sweet and thoughtful Jewish friends and I doubt any of their parents have such mercenary money grubbing expectations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it is wrong to give so little, at least 36 but 50 or 54 is more appropriate from a school friend all adults should give at least 100, trust me your meal is way more than that. If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor taste

wow. as the parents of a recent bar mitzvsh boy: first, the meal we served wasnt any hundred dollars. we kept the thing csual and jewish. second, i would be so disappointed and perplexed if someone didnt come because they couldnt afford what you think is appropriate. i threw the party so that the people we love could share our joy.

+1. The most heartfelt gift my DD received was $18.18 (in cash including a dime and eight pennies) from a little Catholic boy who paid for it himself out of his own lawn mowing earnings. I threw the party as a celebration of my DD's achievement, not as a moneymaking scheme. If I invited you I wanted you to be there. I didn't care about the gift.

A couple thousand.

Anonymous wrote:it is wrong to give so little, at least 36 but 50 or 54 is more appropriate from a school friend all adults should give at least 100, trust me your meal is way more than that. If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor taste

wow. as the parents of a recent bar mitzvsh boy: first, the meal we served wasnt any hundred dollars. we kept the thing csual and jewish. second, i would be so disappointed and perplexed if someone didnt come because they couldnt afford what you think is appropriate. i threw the party so that the people we love could share our joy.

my son receive 36 or 54 from most friends whose parents knew his name, more from the wealthier families.

Anonymous wrote:Really, 18? For such a major event? I always give like its a wedding.

So give $180 or $360...

Why are nonJews commenting on what is appropriate? It is very important to treat a bar or bat mitzvah for what it is, a transition into full responsibility for carrying out all the mitzvot required of us. A bar or bat mitzvah shows Torah learning and shared his or her insights. You don't show appreciation for that with an iTunes card. The party is NOT a birthday party and in no way should resemble such. It is a major life cycle event of utmost importance. No child studies and learns for a birthday party No child has to prepare a dvar torah for a birthday party. A birthday gift is insulting. Yes, bonds and shekel savings are great gifts. Investing in their adulthood or Judaic gifts or gifts that reflect their tie to Israel ...

For those in communities where they have one every weekend, I would suggest a community pool. Our grade representative collects $100 from each parent in 6th grade and again in 7th (6th for the girls age 12 & 7th for the boys age 13). This way, we don't have constant obligations and the child receives one nice gift from her school friends.

Is the purpose of the present to please the parents, the boy, or to get approval from other guests?
What does the boy want?

I've been to bat/bar mitzvahs where the cash donations were re-donated to the kid's favorite cause. Doesn't have to be for college, I don't think. However, I'm not Jewish and maybe somebody can correct me on this.

Baba bag babababa

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because money is what's given, PP. The money is put into an account for college- the 13 yr old isn't going on a shopping spree or anything immediate.

Gift grab
As a standard rule it is rude to inquire how much a gift cost, so money is not a nice gift. As it is a friends child, an this obviously not a culture or custom you are engrossed in, I think you could follow the more elegant custom of giving a present.
A child might remember who gave what gift, but not who gave what amount.

Wow, you clearly have no concept of how bar/bat mitzvahs work. You give money. As the PP said, it goes into an account for college. You are helping celebrate this child becoming a man/woman and helping pay for their education (even in a small way) which is a major value in Judaism. Please don't impose your own cultural values (money is not a nice gift) on someone else's tradition.

Money or a gift is acceptable. There is no right or wrong. Do what makes you feel best. Kids get both.

A subscription to Hustler. What every 13 year old boy really wants.