Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation with my DH. He is finishing grad school and has zero job prospects right now. He looks but doesn't go out of his way. He will not consider returning to his prior profession. I make about $190k pre-tax. We pay about $36k each year in child care. After mortgages, real estate taxes and commuting costs, we don't quite break even. I would like to refinance but don't think I can with only one income (we had two when we bought the house). We are approaching go time as far as when he should take over child care because he has no grad school excuse . . . . . but I know there is going to be a reason why that date will be pushed back. He will say okay in theory but come up with reason after reason why now is not the time. Last summer, he was going to "invest" but spent the whole summer reading about 5 investment books. The problem is, he has (untreated) issues with depression that led to the career change. I am worried that being Mr. Mom will make him more depressed and that he will model behavior to my kids that will predispose them to go down the same path. When he get depressed, he can be very short with the kids. I feel really good about their current day care and preschool situations and don't want to mess them up. I have taken full distributions on any savings I ever had to keep this situation working and now am out of options.

You need marriage counseling. Honestly your husband sounds like a tool. You're making great money and he's just loading around. He needs to get some sort of job to contribute. Personally there is no way I'd put up with that but I see my friends (male and female) their spouses get away with it. What I've never understood is how much can someone really love you if they do that?? I would never do that to my DH and I'm about at your income.

And five books!?! Please I read that while holding down a full-time job! Ugh it just makes me mad that he's treating you like that.

Can't you just get a temporary nanny if an interview/job comes up quickly? Even if expensive it would only be short term expense. Sounds like excuses to me. And why doesn't the guy get a night job then - being a waiter or something on the weekends to contribute?

We were in the same position. DH lost his job and our DC was in daycare. The problem we faced with daycare was that there was such a big waitlist to get back in, that we were afraid if we pulled them out, and DH got a job to start in 2 weeks or whatever, that we'd be stuck without daycare for the kids. Also, with interviews. We didn't know of any place for drop-in day care and it wasn't like DH could decide when to schedule interviews - so he couldn't line them up and have MIL visit and stay with us during that time. Interviews came sporadically.

We left DC in daycare but our oldest was going to start school about a year after DH lost his job. He still didn't have anything when oldest started school, but it helped with costs for us.

I am in a similar situation with my DH. He is finishing grad school and has zero job prospects right now. He looks but doesn't go out of his way. He will not consider returning to his prior profession. I make about $190k pre-tax. We pay about $36k each year in child care. After mortgages, real estate taxes and commuting costs, we don't quite break even. I would like to refinance but don't think I can with only one income (we had two when we bought the house). We are approaching go time as far as when he should take over child care because he has no grad school excuse . . . . . but I know there is going to be a reason why that date will be pushed back. He will say okay in theory but come up with reason after reason why now is not the time. Last summer, he was going to "invest" but spent the whole summer reading about 5 investment books. The problem is, he has (untreated) issues with depression that led to the career change. I am worried that being Mr. Mom will make him more depressed and that he will model behavior to my kids that will predispose them to go down the same path. When he get depressed, he can be very short with the kids. I feel really good about their current day care and preschool situations and don't want to mess them up. I have taken full distributions on any savings I ever had to keep this situation working and now am out of options.

Update?
I would NOT pay for more than PT childcare.

So, give him 1 more month or he's keeping the kids with him every Weds and Thurs!

Both of the kids can't go to full day daycare with him contributing no income. That would be financially impossible. A compromise would be to find a part time/home daycare slot and/or enroll the older child in a half day preschool. That way he would have some time each day to work on getting his business going.

Another daycare option is a co-op. You have to volunteer and it may only go until 3pm but it is usually a more affordable option.

PP here. Wanted to add when the economy really took a nose dive, there were quite a few families looking for daycare shares as a way to save money while one parent was unemployed. Even though the daycare only has a finite number of slots, it usually ended up working out when a family was ready to go ft again.

Anonymous wrote:PP, what about a middle ground? Can you find part-time (cheaper) daycare and/or nanny share?

It can be really hard to find a job when you've got nothing to show work-wise on your resume for an extended period of time. Harder even for a dad than a mom. If tables were turned, I wouldn't say that it was a no-brainer for the OP to stay home.

I'd suggest trying to find a way to carve out time for OP's spouse to start his own business/network/search for jobs but still cut back on daycare expenses.

Agree that you find the middle ground. It doesn't seem right to me that it is all or nothing. You need a budget and a bottom line number that makes sense for child care costs while the business isn't making money. DH should be looking for solutions on how it could work e.g. finding another family to share full-time slot so DH has maybe 3 days full-time and has to work the rest when you are home. Someone mentioned free pre-school in DC, it may make sense to rent there if you aren't already there to take advantage of that. Maybe DH can pick up part-time or temp work to help cover some of the costs of daycare. I don't know if your MIL is in the area but DH could ask mom to help out and hire a sitter for some of the time.

I had a job I hated and I debated staying at home but the bottom line was I couldn't pay for daycare full-time indefinitely while looking for a new job. I had a plan and discussed with DH the different alternatives and we came up with something we could both live with. I think it isn't fair for your DH to make a decision unilaterally that impacts the family financially and it isn't fair for DH to do something that would make him very unhappy ( eg Full-time SAH if that isn't what he wants to do). You are within your rights to say you support him but you have to work out what changes financially and household division of labor (like cooking, taking the kids out on the weekends, night time care, doctor appts, cleaning) you both can live with because it can't stay the same as when you were both had salaries and working full-time. However, you can still find something that works for both people.

Nobody wants to admit it, but lack of day care means the one parent ends up in the poverty trap. And home care is not always better than day care. Small kids need stimulation and they also have friendships that they want to maintain. To loose their day care spot because of parents unemployment is a disruption to that. And the spot is not guaranteed once you do start working.

And is it possible for that other poster to 'borrow' her MIL?

Anonymous wrote:

Ok, can YOU PLEASE STOP with the lean in bull shit?
now that I got that off my chest, I agree with PP here - with the exception of leaning in. whatever that means.

OP, DH was out of a job for one year. I went to work and he took care of the kids while looking for a job. Your DH is being immature, which I totally understand. he's in a tough spot mentally. I think you lay down the law - "Honey, I've cancelled daycare as of next Friday. Starting Monday, you are taking are of them till you find a FT PAYING job".
Is he getting unemployment?

Any advice for a parent currently in this situation? The job search is going pretty slowly since I'm taking care of the kids all day.

Anonymous wrote:But how do you go to job interviews if there is no day care?
And how do find day care if you are asked to start the next day?

Well, when I moved here, as the unemployed parent, I had to find a place with drop in care. Or I had my MIL come visit for a few weeks when I had lots of interviews lined up. And you find the daycare/preschool once you have interviewed a few times. I've never met anyone that was asked to start a new job, the very next day. You usually have a few weeks to sort things out.

But how do you go to job interviews if there is no day care?
And how do find day care if you are asked to start the next day?

Anonymous wrote:You won't believe how many letters I get from women like you who discover that no matter what the family's employment or financial situation -- wife works full-time, DH is starting a business/unemployed/in grad school -- their husbands inexplicably refuse to do childcare. Your first mistake was failing to select a husband who would put your professional advancement first. At the beginning of your marriage you should have demanded that your DH split all duties 50-50. Assert yourself. Risk divorce.

Lean in, OP, lean in.

Ok, can YOU PLEASE STOP with the lean in bull shit?
now that I got that off my chest, I agree with PP here - with the exception of leaning in. whatever that means.

OP, DH was out of a job for one year. I went to work and he took care of the kids while looking for a job. Your DH is being immature, which I totally understand. he's in a tough spot mentally. I think you lay down the law - "Honey, I've cancelled daycare as of next Friday. Starting Monday, you are taking are of them till you find a FT PAYING job".
Is he getting unemployment?

What is this start up business idea that can't be done during nights and weekends when you are home?