Anonymous wrote:Your DH is having an affair.

His friends would cover for him. and your DH is likely not even worried about that because he knows you are buying his BS.

Yes, that's what it sounds like. Step back and look at the situation as if it were someone else. So sorry.

I'm a little confused.

Does he go out multiple times a month and one of those times he gets so drunk that he passes out & doesn't come home?

Or, once a month, he goes out & gets drunk & passes out & doesn't come home?

Because if it's the former, that's HUGE problem. But if it's the latter, how come you don't just assume he's not coming home? (since he never does)

Reading this I had to look at the date to make sure I hadn't posted it because I went through the exact same thing (sans baby). I'd wake up in the middle of the night terrified that there had been some horrible car accident because he swore he'd be home and would never so much as call or text to say he wasn't going to make it home. This behavior was but a symptom of a bigger disease and I divorced him.

No. Never in 20 years of marriage.

Your DH is having an affair.

His friends would cover for him. and your DH is likely not even worried about that because he knows you are buying his BS.

I'm a total lightweight. Anything past 3 drinks and I'm not in any shape to drive. If I am going out to a birthday party or someplace there will be a lot of drinking, I give the other half of my parenting team a heads up. I'm not married.

I'm also not accustomed to staying up late and there should be a "NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE PAST 11:30 PM" stamp on my driver's license.

If I don't feel like I should be driving, I sleep at my friend's place. I'm mid-30s and a mom. It don't stay out all night frequently, maybe 4 times a year.

If my husband did not come home and did not answer the phone, I would be calling every freaking hospital and not sleeping with worry, since the only reason he would not come home and not be reachable is a horrendous accident.

the fact that your husband does this once a month is so entirely beyond the range of normal that I am speechless. I am also speechless that you put up with this. If my DH did this even once, because he was drinking or whatever, we'd have a HUGE HUGE discussion and he would know that if he ever did this again, his bags are packed and he is permanently gone. The sleeping over and drinking is a huge red flag, the failure to answer the phone while you wonder where the fuck he is? jesus, i feel really badly for you.

20 years of marriage. DH has never been drunk. Never slept at someone else's house. Both of those things would annoy me to no end. (And I am drinking a glass of wine as i type this so I am not a teetotaler).

If you get drunk beyond college age, even once a month, I'd say there is a drinking problem. If not a drinking problem, then this is certainly a marital issue. He does not get to do this. Period.

OP, your story reminds me of someone I dated in my very early 30s. He clearly had a drinking problem and it was the thought of being in the situation you are in now that finally got me to break up with him. I could not imagine having a family with someone I could not trust to be where they said they would be on a regular basis. I got myself counseling to help me work through it and to understand why I was willing to put up with it. Rationally, I knew I shouldn't but I loved him so it dragged on for too long.

What your husband is doing is not normal behavior for an adult, particularly a man with a child. If you are not in counseling I recommend it. I really feel for you because I remember how sad, worried and FURIOUS I would get.

I am married now to someone who has never, ever done this with me and it is so much better (as is the fact that my husband does not have a drinking problem). Good luck to you-you deserve better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's weird to me is that you are both crashing at friends' homes. I did this in college but I've never heard of grown adults doing this. I wouldn't want to myself and DH wouldn't want to either. Lets drink less and sleep in our own homes, yes?

We have friends who live quite a distance from us. It's been totally normal for them to crash in our spare bedroom and for us to crash in theirs. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the fact that we've had a lot to drink, more so someone is too exhausted to drive an hour home. I'd much rather DH sleep in their spare bedroom than feel like he HAS to come home and either leave earlier than he wants or leaves late when he's exhausted. It works for us and a lot of our friends do it. Kind of weird to judge others about this but whatever floats your boat I suppose. We are also still in our 20s so maybe that has something to do with it. I've also had a girlfriend stay with me for a weekend and we *gasp* slept in the same bed because DH was out of town and we didn't have our spare bedroom set up yet.

Ya think?

Anonymous wrote:What's weird to me is that you are both crashing at friends' homes. I did this in college but I've never heard of grown adults doing this. I wouldn't want to myself and DH wouldn't want to either. Lets drink less and sleep in our own homes, yes?

We have friends who live quite a distance from us. It's been totally normal for them to crash in our spare bedroom and for us to crash in theirs. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the fact that we've had a lot to drink, more so someone is too exhausted to drive an hour home. I'd much rather DH sleep in their spare bedroom than feel like he HAS to come home and either leave earlier than he wants or leaves late when he's exhausted. It works for us and a lot of our friends do it. Kind of weird to judge others about this but whatever floats your boat I suppose. We are also still in our 20s so maybe that has something to do with it. I've also had a girlfriend stay with me for a weekend and we *gasp* slept in the same bed because DH was out of town and we didn't have our spare bedroom set up yet.

Anonymous wrote:What's weird to me is that you are both crashing at friends' homes. I did this in college but I've never heard of grown adults doing this. I wouldn't want to myself and DH wouldn't want to either. Lets drink less and sleep in our own homes, yes?

. It's. very strange for a grownup w a family to do this.

What's weird to me is that you are both crashing at friends' homes. I did this in college but I've never heard of grown adults doing this. I wouldn't want to myself and DH wouldn't want to either. Lets drink less and sleep in our own homes, yes?

No way, never, and even if he isn't cheating on you, it's still unacceptable. (Also, I'm not saying he IS cheating, but if your only basis for thinking he's not is you're sure his buddies wouldn't cover for you- think again. They absolutely would.) He's a grown man with a family, his ass needs to be at home every single night with his child. No questions, no excuses, no overnights on some rando's couch. I would absolutely tell him next time he does it, don't expect his shit to be in the house when he finally drags ass home. It'll be in the yard and he can take it over to whoever's house he slept at the night before.

NP here. Ok, honestly, I don't think crashing at a friends house is that bad.
All the PP's that have listed the number of years married, follow by a "never" -- Are you saying that your SO has literally NEVER crashed at a friends house? Or are you saying that they've never done the OP's exact situation (passing out, not calling, worrying the SO)?

Passing out, drunk, and not calling to inform you of said state, is f*&#$'ing bullsh*t. I would be pissed. Once a month? Jesus christ.

If my SO, however, was having a 'guys night', bachelor party, college friend in town, etc etc... and either pre-planned a "sleepover" or called me at a reasonable hour to let me know, I honestly wouldn't care. It's the frequency, clear alcoholism, and rude inconsideration of the OP's H that gets me so mad.