Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. I do initiate a lot--but don't get invited to things myself very often. I have never initiated at work, though. If I were to initiate something at work, say getting brunch with a co-worker, they would probably agree to it, we'd have brunch, have a nice time, and then they would never invite me to do anything or they would be pleasant but neutral at work. This has happened to me over and over again when I have invited people out to do things (not at work, but through various social clubs, etc.). Then I feel rejected, and it's just rejection after rejection and then I start to wonder what is wrong with me that they didn't reciprocate, that they didn't want to hang out again.

I swear I read this same type of post not too long ago but anyway...

Friendships do not happen in your 30's like they did in your teens and early 20's. That whole meet someone, spend a few hours with them, and suddenly you are BFF's joined at the hip is very rare. You seem to keep looking for that when in fact you sound like you are on your way to make new friendships but are ignorning them because they aren't fitting in the mold of what you think "making friend" is about.

What you described is the beginning of a friendship. You go out to brunch and then you chat in the office and then maybe you go out to lunch one day and you chat at the office. And then maybe you say "hey, do you want to go to brunch again sometime, are you free any of the next couple of weekends?" And along the way, she might do the same. It takes time not just one brunch or lunch. But also beware that some people at the office may be very strict about "work friends" and actual friends. I have several work friends that I really would never hang out with outside of work and if I quit working in my office I would keep in touch for professional purposes but that's it.

Meetup and volunteer activities are great places to make friends but again - it takes time. Several months and even a year or two.

THis. What you are experiencing IS friendship for your 30s. It takes much much longer to develop than teens or 20s because you are not necessarily with them 6 hrs a day at school or in college dorms day/night etc. As PP said, you keep inviting/chatting over months and before you realize it, they are stopping by your office or calling you or whatever. It's slower in your 30s because most people do have most of the friends they need and are also busy with famillies; it's rare to find a fast friendship and the only people with whom I have found those are those who are single and not dating currently and thus will go out any time you ask or those that I have done a lot of business trips with -- it feels like college a little because you may be working with them in a conference room for 8+ hours, eating lunch with them, and often are obligated to go out to dinner as well; it can be torture if you don't like them but the start of an awesome frienship if you have common ground.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. I do initiate a lot--but don't get invited to things myself very often. I have never initiated at work, though. If I were to initiate something at work, say getting brunch with a co-worker, they would probably agree to it, we'd have brunch, have a nice time, and then they would never invite me to do anything or they would be pleasant but neutral at work. This has happened to me over and over again when I have invited people out to do things (not at work, but through various social clubs, etc.). Then I feel rejected, and it's just rejection after rejection and then I start to wonder what is wrong with me that they didn't reciprocate, that they didn't want to hang out again.

I swear I read this same type of post not too long ago but anyway...

Friendships do not happen in your 30's like they did in your teens and early 20's. That whole meet someone, spend a few hours with them, and suddenly you are BFF's joined at the hip is very rare. You seem to keep looking for that when in fact you sound like you are on your way to make new friendships but are ignorning them because they aren't fitting in the mold of what you think "making friend" is about.

What you described is the beginning of a friendship. You go out to brunch and then you chat in the office and then maybe you go out to lunch one day and you chat at the office. And then maybe you say "hey, do you want to go to brunch again sometime, are you free any of the next couple of weekends?" And along the way, she might do the same. It takes time not just one brunch or lunch. But also beware that some people at the office may be very strict about "work friends" and actual friends. I have several work friends that I really would never hang out with outside of work and if I quit working in my office I would keep in touch for professional purposes but that's it.

Meetup and volunteer activities are great places to make friends but again - it takes time. Several months and even a year or two.

OP here. I know it takes time, and a long time at that--I don't expect us to be best friends after one outing. In fact, I'm not even really looking for a best friend--I'm just looking for friends to get together with from time to time.

But the problem is I will initiate, and then initiate again a few weeks later, and then sometimes a third time a few weeks later, without feeling that there is reciprocal interest at least from the other person. And in between these get-togethers, there isn't any communication--no emailing, no texting, no phone calls. It's hard to build a friendship when it's just a couple of get togethers every few months with no getting to know you communication in between. This pattern seems to happen 95% of the time when I try to make friends in this area.

So it's always me putting in the effort, and not sensing any interest/effort from them. So the question I've been pondering is: is it that people don't like me, or is it just that people aren't really interested in making new friends in their 30s in general, because they're too busy with their own lives to put in the effort?

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. I do initiate a lot--but don't get invited to things myself very often. I have never initiated at work, though. If I were to initiate something at work, say getting brunch with a co-worker, they would probably agree to it, we'd have brunch, have a nice time, and then they would never invite me to do anything or they would be pleasant but neutral at work. This has happened to me over and over again when I have invited people out to do things (not at work, but through various social clubs, etc.). Then I feel rejected, and it's just rejection after rejection and then I start to wonder what is wrong with me that they didn't reciprocate, that they didn't want to hang out again.

I swear I read this same type of post not too long ago but anyway...

Friendships do not happen in your 30's like they did in your teens and early 20's. That whole meet someone, spend a few hours with them, and suddenly you are BFF's joined at the hip is very rare. You seem to keep looking for that when in fact you sound like you are on your way to make new friendships but are ignorning them because they aren't fitting in the mold of what you think "making friend" is about.

What you described is the beginning of a friendship. You go out to brunch and then you chat in the office and then maybe you go out to lunch one day and you chat at the office. And then maybe you say "hey, do you want to go to brunch again sometime, are you free any of the next couple of weekends?" And along the way, she might do the same. It takes time not just one brunch or lunch. But also beware that some people at the office may be very strict about "work friends" and actual friends. I have several work friends that I really would never hang out with outside of work and if I quit working in my office I would keep in touch for professional purposes but that's it.

Meetup and volunteer activities are great places to make friends but again - it takes time. Several months and even a year or two.

OP here. I have joined about 10 different social groups since moving here. I go to the events, meet some nice people, and often will take the initiative to invite someone to do something. But no one ever takes the initiative to invite me. I wonder about this all the time. Presumably they're there to make friends, since it's a social group, or are they just there to eat at the particular restaurant or do the activity? Or are they just there to get out of the house and they have no interest in making friends? Or are they waiting until they find the perfect friend match, and anyone who seems nice but who doesn't seem to have a lot in common with them isn't worth making the effort for?

I just wonder why I am always the one initiating future get-togethers at these types of events, and never once has anyone come up to me, said "I've enjoyed chatting with you, would you like to get a coffee next weekend?" And then the get-togethers never seem to turn into actual friendships because the other person doesn't reciprocate.

My DH thinks that most people in their 30s are not interested in making new friends, that they already have all the friends they need and are busy with friends and family. But if that's true, then why do they go to these social groups? And why don't they feel that I'm worth getting to know better?

So my DH thinks that it's not that there's something wrong with me that I can't make friends, but more that people aren't interested in making new friends at this age. But everyone I meet seems to have friends, so that's why I feel that there must be something wrong with me that I can't make friends easily here.

OP, I often feel much like you, even though I do have what many people in DC would consider a very tight social circle/group of friends. But the incredibly hectic pace of life here, together with the geographic distances between most of us (with the traffic on top) make it really hard to connect often. I see my friends about once every 3 months. The female friends among us have been trying for more than year to get together for lunch or a movie. But like I said, we are, by DC standards, a very close bunch.
The people who seem to do best here in my experience are those with lots of family or school friends who settled here as well.
My best advice is to learn to enjoy doing things with your husband. There are great cultural options here -- enjoying them as a couple can be wonderful.
Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:Op I use DCUM as FINMH (Friends in my head).

Um, that is adorable and awesome! I kind of do too.

The other thing is to the OP, you are not alone in feeling like that in DC. For some reason, I felt very isolated in DC despite it being so busy. Weekends were often as you described, just me and my DH. Once you have kids though it can get better. Although, as I was not from DC we ended up moving to the midwest for the lower cost of life and are loving it. It has been alot easier to meet friends here than DC. Not sure why that is but I'll take it!
Hang in there, I don't know if talking to a counselor will help, but its worth a try. You are doing all the right things though, perhaps you can try to visit your family more often?

Sometimes I feel like if I don't initiate I won't hear from anyone! For eg I have this one co-worker friend and she never contacts me - once I left it alone for ages thinking I guess she wants to leave it be (i.e. not continue lunches and our chats). Finally one day, it was a Friday, I was in a chipper mood so I sent a quick e-mail saying I haven't seen you in a long time, what's up? I got this long response back about everything she's been doing and an invite to lunch for that day (she told me personal stuff at that lunch so she wasn't trying to put me off after all)! I just don't get some people! I have a few friends like that actually. My advice is to keep your eye out for nice ladies at work or these meet-up type of events (perhaps single who aren't spending all their time with hubby) and if you have a good conversation ask if she wants to catch a movie sometime.

Anonymous wrote:
If there are 1-2 people at work that you like, I would initiate something. I have found work people become friends when you go out, more than when you drop by their office for 10 min. Just casually say to someone "we should get lunch/drinks etc." to see their response; if they don't give you a look of horror, then within a week or two, set it up and when you go out talk about something other than just work. I'm not the most comfortable person in the world but I have found that when I ask someone at work to hang out, they almost always do. I am too insecure to ask directly so I still play the "we should get lunch sometime" line just to guage reaction but I've never gotten anything but a "yeah - that would be great" reaction; just don't wait on them to plan it or get back to you.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. I do initiate a lot--but don't get invited to things myself very often. I have never initiated at work, though. If I were to initiate something at work, say getting brunch with a co-worker, they would probably agree to it, we'd have brunch, have a nice time, and then they would never invite me to do anything or they would be pleasant but neutral at work. This has happened to me over and over again when I have invited people out to do things (not at work, but through various social clubs, etc.). Then I feel rejected, and it's just rejection after rejection and then I start to wonder what is wrong with me that they didn't reciprocate, that they didn't want to hang out again.

I commented at 16:05 and by your follow up it also sounds to me like you're second guessing too much. At this age, we are who we are, and if someone doesn't like us because of our facial expression, then it wasn't meant to be. My advice is the same - find a person or two whether at work or neighbors or wherever, ask them out to coffee, and see how it goes. It's a bit like dating, once you do it enough it doesn't feel awkward and you won't care that deeply that you went out with someone once and nothing came of it -- just enjoy the hr you spend together. Another idea I had - if you are doing something like volunteering, sports, or community activity - after it's over, announce to whoever is around "hey I was going to go grab a coffee or a quick lunch at x, if anyone wants to come." Maybe no one will or maybe you'll get 1-2 people who will say "yeah I have nothing going on this aftenroon, let's go." I went to a big college which was a bit commuter-ish and this is something that we all used to do as we were used to not always having our friends around. The key is don't be self conscious about it; just ask, if people want to come great, if not - fine - still go out and treat yourself to a Starbucks or whatever just for having made the effort.

OP, I was in your boat for a long time. If you have any interest in faith, I highly recommend joining a church. DH and I did so last year and there is a lot of no-pressure social activities suddenly on our calendar (volunteering, book clubs, etc.).

I also found having kids really helped my social life, strange as that sounds. We have become friends with their friends' parents.

Anonymous wrote:You need to be the organizer, not just a joiner. How many times have you invited folks over for a dinner party or bbq? How many work lunches have you initiated? How many volunteer events did you take leadership of, etc?

I remember when I found out a woman on our hall was sad that a group of us never invited her on our coffee runs. She sat there for years and felt excluded. Then another woman moved onto our hall and started going to coffee with us, and this finally set the first woman off and her misery all came out.

The new woman had simply said "hey, you guys going for coffee, can I come?" and we said sure. After a few days, this new woman was the one who'd send the email around at 3 saying "coffee?"

We weren't excluding her. There were literally dozens of people on our floor and maybe 4-6 of us who went regularly. All she had to do was tag along OR form her own coffee run group.

Not the OP, but tHis is very difficult for those of us who are introverts. I have always preferred to be asked along so that I don't feel like I am "party-crashing". I've been this way since I was a teenager when the who group I had lunch with everyday talked about weekend plans and never once included me in the plans. Same in college. I eventually made clear to my friends my tendencies, and they made a point to make sure I knew I was in the plans if I stayed quiet.

As for the OP, you need to find a place to meet people with common interests. I found good friends at your age when I joined a running group. DH did the same with other sports. There is a place for you to meet the right people, but you need to find it. I also agree that you need to be inviting to people too. It's taken me years to find newer friends in my 40s, and those are people I know through my kids. Also, be genuinely interested in the people you want to spend time with. It's not about making friends just so you won't be alone. It's about making friends to form a balanced and lasting friendship.

OP, I'm 15:46. One of the most important things I stopped doing which resulted in more friends was to stop second guessing how I was acting in social situations. Your follow up post to mine sounds like you are TOO aware of what your "faults' may be, that you're trying really hard not to reveal them in social situations. And you're right, that turns people off. Smiling too much? People may think you're fake and trying to hard. Appear reserved? People might think you're not interested in them. Overcompensate and try to be bubbly? we are back to fake.

The best advice I can give you is to not thinking about how you are coming across when you talk to people. The less you think about it, the more natural you will be. I still struggle with this sometimes, and honestly I prefer to have a glass of wine at functions when I don't know anyone but DH . It relaxes me. Is there anything you can do in the moment that relaxes you? Good luck OP. It can be a rough road, but you don't want to pretend to be someone you're not just to make friends. At this age, we want meaningful friendships and friends who like us for who we are, not who we are trying to be

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I wish there was a match.com for friends. Is this a thing? Has anyone done this?

Meetup.com

Sometimes I wish there was a match.com for friends. Is this a thing? Has anyone done this?

OP - this is something that happens particularly in big cities. If you lived in a small town, chances are you would have known everyone around you since before high school, you would know who has family in the area or not, who is best friends with who etc. Here, the area is so large that it's not possible. And people are so into work and the "busyness" of their lives that they assume that everyone is constantly busy so they don't initiate. They may not be asking you to do anything because they are not thinking about you or because they are thinking you have a huge family and a busy life outside of work.

If there are 1-2 people at work that you like, I would initiate something. I have found work people become friends when you go out, more than when you drop by their office for 10 min. Just casually say to someone "we should get lunch/drinks etc." to see their response; if they don't give you a look of horror, then within a week or two, set it up and when you go out talk about something other than just work. I'm not the most comfortable person in the world but I have found that when I ask someone at work to hang out, they almost always do. I am too insecure to ask directly so I still play the "we should get lunch sometime" line just to guage reaction but I've never gotten anything but a "yeah - that would be great" reaction; just don't wait on them to plan it or get back to you.