Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, you're overreacting on every front.
1. Parents are on the playground all the time at our school. There's nothing more normal. You're "furious"? Perhaps you need to spend more time at the school yourself.
2. Her daughter came home upset that your daughter was mean to her.
3. She spoke politely to your daughter about an issue with your daughter
4. Your daughter is old enough not to have HER mother stand between her and the rest of the world, at least on this level.

I was going to say "I can't believe that...", but yes, I can believe that your first reaction isn't to have a conversation with your daughter about her mean girl tendencies, but to flip out on DCUM about the presence of a parent on the playground. Please get your priorities straight.

I just said that my daughter is NOT a Mean Girl, you seem very presumptuous. I asked DD if she was ever mean to this other girl and she said no, that they just don't hang out because they have different interests. If my DD was mean, I would DEFINITELY want to know, so I can fix the behavior however I do not want some adult to approach my daughter.

NP here. Yeah, I remember being told by the mother of the Head Mean Girl in my then-5th grade DD's class that her daughter was not that kind of kid. Right.

Obviously, someone's mother is misinformed and I couldn't say which without knowing what actually happened, but please consider the possibility that your daughter may in fact have done something hurtful and maybe either isn't being totally honest with you/herself, or just didn't consider the other girls' perspective.

You know, I was at my kid's elementary school today after school and a boy 2 years older than my DS pushed a smaller child to the ground and then my boy. I went up to the child and told him it was not ok to push people. Then I turned to the 2 adults on duty and told them, too. When the after care worker asked the boy if he had been "tackling" again, I corrected her and said there was no tackling, that this was not part of the soccer game being played, there was just one child taking advantage of his size to push other children down. I watched him do this repeatedly.

I suspect the OP would say I was out of bounds to talk directly to the child who pushed my 6 yo to the ground. I disagree. I am a working professional in a different field now, but have my masters in education. I believe that children need boundaries and that as a community, we owe it to each other to tell children when they are breaking rules of common decency. If a child is excluding others, or pushing them to the ground, or (fill in the blank with mildly antisocial behavior) I believe it is instructive and useful for children to realize that adults in the community care and will enforce social norms. I don't actually intend to call this kid's parents (I don't know them although I could figure it out from our school directory) as I think that would be more escalation than required. The school is now going to deal with the situation, hopefully.

Note that I wasn't "emotional," didn't "corner" this 2nd grade child, nor did I "freak out." My kid's fine, albeit a little muddy and pissed off. (And I actually coached my son after we left about how he can handle playing with this kid again because he sees him every day and their play is kind of rough and that is ok if it's about the ball game - just not when it's about using your size to intimidate people. I told my kid that he should call a penalty on that kid every time he sent a littler kid hurtling to the ground - kids pay attention to rules when it means their team might lose). But I believe I was well within my rights to intervene and would do it again. Just like from the OP's story, I think that mother is fine when she tells a 9yo not to exclude others.

Of course, I think the OP is also sending her child the meta-message, "Other adults are not to be respected. Other adults who tell you to act in a kind, inclusive way can be ignored if they speak to me about my behavior. Only my mother can direct my behavior, and will trust my version of the truth over another adult."

I have a 9yo girl, though, and would not approach one of her classmates in this way because I would be afraid of repercussions from peers if I as her parent intervened in this way. Too funny! It turns out that in this case, the ostracism is going to come from the *mother* of the alleged mean girl, sending the message to her daughter that it's ok to think this girl and her mom are lame.

Maybe I'm wrong, though. OP, you aren't speaking to your daughter about how much you dislike the behavior of the mom of a child who clearly has been miserable enough to talk to her parents about being excluded, have you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, you're overreacting on every front.
1. Parents are on the playground all the time at our school. There's nothing more normal. You're "furious"? Perhaps you need to spend more time at the school yourself.
2. Her daughter came home upset that your daughter was mean to her.
3. She spoke politely to your daughter about an issue with your daughter
4. Your daughter is old enough not to have HER mother stand between her and the rest of the world, at least on this level.

I was going to say "I can't believe that...", but yes, I can believe that your first reaction isn't to have a conversation with your daughter about her mean girl tendencies, but to flip out on DCUM about the presence of a parent on the playground. Please get your priorities straight.

I just said that my daughter is NOT a Mean Girl, you seem very presumptuous. I asked DD if she was ever mean to this other girl and she said no, that they just don't hang out because they have different interests. If my DD was mean, I would DEFINITELY want to know, so I can fix the behavior however I do not want some adult to approach my daughter.

So your daughter is not mean because....she says so.

So she is because you say so?

As a starting point, she is because the other girl said so. You need to hear the story from the girl who was upset first, not just ask your daughter and leave it at that. Of course your daughter is going to say no, true or not, she doesn't want to get in more trouble.

It's not fair for an adult to corner a kid like that, and it sounds like the mom was very emotional.

Where did the OP say that her daughter was in any way cornered?

An adult freaking out at a kid is not ok.

The OP specifically stated that her daughter was NOT upset about it.

What really happened? As a mother of five kids (three grown) and a teacher, I'll give you a very educated guess.....

The other mother heard little snowflake-who-would-never-ever-be-mean say something like "you can't play with us" to another child. Other mother simply said - "Sweetie, you need to be nice to all of your friends".

End of story. Or it would have been if snowflakes mother wasn't overprotective and irrational.

I highly doubt the other mom got sufficient information before addressing the problem. It's not fair for an adult to corner a kid like that, and it sounds like the mom was very emotional.

The proper response is for her to coach her daughter to handle it, or to talk to you or the teacher. An adult freaking out at a kid is not ok.

A mother confronted a child in my DC's class during recess and yelled at the child over something that had happened between that child and her child.

But I believe mom clearly said that no one yelled at her daughter. It sounds like the other mom simply talked to her precious snowflake. But you know how delicate snowflakes are....heaven forbid they hear anything but positive affirmations of how special and unique they are.

For all of the normal moms out there - If you see one of my kids acting like an ass, please call them on it! I can't be everywhere at once and appreciate your help.

This happened at our school last year. A mother confronted a child in my DC's class during recess and yelled at the child over something that had happened between that child and her child. The child being yelled at was not a mean girl the mother's reaction was beyond inappropriate. Luckily, the lunch aide and the principal were on this issue quickly. They did ban the mother from recess and they told her it was inappropriate and that they'd call the police if she tried to contact this child again.
The family left the school.

Anonymous wrote:

You seem very naive. Your daughter lied to you. The other girl was upset enough to get her mother involved, and it's less likely that she would manufacture that upset than it is that your daughter would lie to you when caught out in bad behavior.

You say you would want to know if your daughter were mean. Well, now you know. She is mean enough to get another parent involved, AND she lies, or, perhaps even worse, doesn't think it's a big deal. Take it from there.

Sorry, but I totally agree with this. The tone of your posts makes it very clear that your daughter is likely the mean girl and she likely learned to be that way from you.

My reasoning? If an adult volunteer at the school felt like she needed to ask one of my girls to be kinder to her daughter, my immediate assumption would not be that the adult was in the wrong. My kids are basically really good kids (we have five - three in college, two in high school). They've never been in any kind of trouble at school other than the typical talking too much type of stuff. Despite that, I know how kids, especially girls, can be. Nine year old girls are notoriously mean sometimes. We depend on teachers and other adults to help stop it. You are very, very, very defensive about your precious daughter. Guess what? Almost all girls are mean sometimes. I think it's great that your daughter got called on it. If anything, you should talk with the teacher to find out how often your daughter is mean. And thank the adult volunteer for bringing it to your attention.

Hit the nail on the head. Really, OP, take a step back for a moment, take a deep breadth, and engage in honest introspection. There is little hope for you. But perhaps you can help guard against having your DD turn into the shrill, jump to conclusions, it's all about me, type person that you are.

Let me start off by saying that it is fool's folly to make an issue of this on the word of a 9YO. If it bothers you, I would ask the teacher if she is aware of any issues between the girls and inform her that this "incident" took place. Tell her that you want the facts. Let him/her do the investigation and report back.

One question, would you feel the same way if it was ANOTHER parent who approached your child about inclusiveness and not the mother of the victim?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be absolutely acceptable to ask the school to ban this woman from playground duty. An adult approaching a child during the school day, on school property and while in service to the school in order to hash out a personal grievance with that child is beyond the pale. She took advantage of the fact that your daughter was in a vulnerable position, when she could corner her with no adults nearby, and that should not be acceptable to any parent or responsible adult.

Nice try OP.

I wrote that, and I am not OP.

Anonymous wrote:Ask your daughter how she handled the confrontation with the mom. Was she upset? Scared? Mad? Ask her what should could do in the future if it happens again. Put the power back in your kid's hands.

She honestly didn't seem to care, but thought it was weird.

Ask your daughter how she handled the confrontation with the mom. Was she upset? Scared? Mad? Ask her what should could do in the future if it happens again. Put the power back in your kid's hands.

If you have a problem with my kid or something they did, you come to ME. Especially since this wasn't about general playground behavior, but was about something specific to the other woman's child. Yes, I'd be pissed and would calmly let the woman know she was out of bounds.

You seem very naive. Your daughter lied to you. The other girl was upset enough to get her mother involved, and it's less likely that she would manufacture that upset than it is that your daughter would lie to you when caught out in bad behavior.

You say you would want to know if your daughter were mean. Well, now you know. She is mean enough to get another parent involved, AND she lies, or, perhaps even worse, doesn't think it's a big deal. Take it from there.

Sorry, but I totally agree with this. The tone of your posts makes it very clear that your daughter is likely the mean girl and she likely learned to be that way from you.

My reasoning? If an adult volunteer at the school felt like she needed to ask one of my girls to be kinder to her daughter, my immediate assumption would not be that the adult was in the wrong. My kids are basically really good kids (we have five - three in college, two in high school). They've never been in any kind of trouble at school other than the typical talking too much type of stuff. Despite that, I know how kids, especially girls, can be. Nine year old girls are notoriously mean sometimes. We depend on teachers and other adults to help stop it. You are very, very, very defensive about your precious daughter. Guess what? Almost all girls are mean sometimes. I think it's great that your daughter got called on it. If anything, you should talk with the teacher to find out how often your daughter is mean. And thank the adult volunteer for bringing it to your attention.

it doesn't look like the mom ever even said your daughter was mean - just wanted to talk to her about not excluding her daughter. Obviously her own daughter had said something to her about your daughter.

You are overreacting in every way. But you already know that and don't care.