Anonymous wrote:OP, your statement that you have no friends concerns me. Why is that? I'm wondering if she's kept you isolated. I disagree with the policy re no being friends with ex's because I don't think policies of any kind work in a family, unless it's a physical safety issue. I think marriages and families should be conducted so that people want to be there. You should conduct your marriage so that the sexist human alive could throw him or herself at your spouse, and the spouse will say "Thank you, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested". Your wife has friends, why don't you? I am wondering if she also implemented a "no friends of the oppisite sex" policy, and since you're a stay at home dad, there goes your social support network. You mention that your wife has "girls weekends" what about you? Do you have anything you do that you enjoy? Whether or not your marriage survives, you need and deserve friends. You need and deserve hobbies.

OP Here.

No, she never kept me isolated. We moved up here and she got pregnant right away. I stayed at home. She didn't. Her friends are coworkers. I have no coworkers and thus no one that I see often enough to really bond with. I've been going out to social events and meeting people over the years, but none of those people are close enough to sleep on their couch or share these problems with. I have plenty of close friends, just none in the area. I don't think I can, legally, pack up my daughter and head to one of their houses until we sort things out. She'd never go for that.

The no friends with exes thing was her idea, but I went along with it because most of my exes were conniving and sending inappropriate things. She said the same about hers. The "girls weekend" would've been the first of its kind. That's what made me suspicious in the first place.

Once this is over, I plan to go out and reclaim some of my time. I did deny some of the things that I wanted to do, because her hours at work were so demanding. She isn't extremely established or successful, so there wasn't an option for her to just quit, find another job or demand change at work. She works at a place where it's pretty much, "You can be replaced." The downside to getting free time to do stuff I want is that it will be on the days when I don't see my daughter, so it'll take a while to get used to that.

8:23- Yes, I'm still here. I've been spending a lot of time on the survivinginfidelity site which has been of tremendous help. I started counseling as well, but I haven't had enough sessions to say whether or not that's been a lot of help.

Emotionally, I feel like I'm near the end of the roller coaster. I alternated between hurt and anger quite frequently in the beginning, but now I seem to spend most of my time just pissed at the situation and angry as hell when I consider the effect it's going to have on my daughter (sharing time and custody).

I'm still hanging in there. Thanks for checking in on me.

Hey OP - you still out there? Curious to know how you are doing.

OP, get counselling on your own, in addition to any couple's counselling. Your wife can cover the co-pays. You have a lot of individual issues to work out that affect how you proceed as a couple.

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound incredibly beta and passive. That would be a major turnoff to any woman. Have you asked her how she feels about you?

Well given that she was prepared to abandon her kids and move three states away ...

and what sort of woman abandons her kids?

Anonymous wrote:OP, your statement that you have no friends concerns me. Why is that? I'm wondering if she's kept you isolated. I disagree with the policy re no being friends with ex's because I don't think policies of any kind work in a family, unless it's a physical safety issue. I think marriages and families should be conducted so that people want to be there. You should conduct your marriage so that the sexist human alive could throw him or herself at your spouse, and the spouse will say "Thank you, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested". Your wife has friends, why don't you? I am wondering if she also implemented a "no friends of the oppisite sex" policy, and since you're a stay at home dad, there goes your social support network. You mention that your wife has "girls weekends" what about you? Do you have anything you do that you enjoy? Whether or not your marriage survives, you need and deserve friends. You need and deserve hobbies.

OP you sound incredibly beta and passive. That would be a major turnoff to any woman. Have you asked her how she feels about you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't buy that she'll always love him but not be in love crap. In fact, I have never understood what that convoluted expression means. If I may ask, how was your sex life before this happened?

The first eight years it was mostly me begging for sex all the time. She had a really low libido. She always cried and worried that I would step out on her as a result. Maybe a month before this began, her libido shot up to insane levels that even I couldn't handle. I was in the process of studying/taking finals for my degree and (stupidly) asked her to tone it down a bit. She apparently felt rejected, met this guy and things went from there. That's probably the worst part. Nine years of begging for it and when it comes around I'm too busy to enjoy it. One month of being in my shoes and she folds under the pressure. Seriously effed up.

If this is a sudden drastic change in her behavior then is it possible she is bipolar and maybe in a manic cycle?

My take is that her sex drive shot up because she knew OP was busy with exams and couldn't meet her needs, thereby setting him up to fail. It's not like she didn't know it was the end of school for him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't buy that she'll always love him but not be in love crap. In fact, I have never understood what that convoluted expression means. If I may ask, how was your sex life before this happened?

The first eight years it was mostly me begging for sex all the time. She had a really low libido. She always cried and worried that I would step out on her as a result. Maybe a month before this began, her libido shot up to insane levels that even I couldn't handle. I was in the process of studying/taking finals for my degree and (stupidly) asked her to tone it down a bit. She apparently felt rejected, met this guy and things went from there. That's probably the worst part. Nine years of begging for it and when it comes around I'm too busy to enjoy it. One month of being in my shoes and she folds under the pressure. Seriously effed up.

Are you sure her sex drive didn't miraculously shoot up because she was already fantasizing about this other guy? That would be my take.

OP, your statement that you have no friends concerns me. Why is that? I'm wondering if she's kept you isolated. I disagree with the policy re no being friends with ex's because I don't think policies of any kind work in a family, unless it's a physical safety issue. I think marriages and families should be conducted so that people want to be there. You should conduct your marriage so that the sexist human alive could throw him or herself at your spouse, and the spouse will say "Thank you, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested". Your wife has friends, why don't you? I am wondering if she also implemented a "no friends of the oppisite sex" policy, and since you're a stay at home dad, there goes your social support network. You mention that your wife has "girls weekends" what about you? Do you have anything you do that you enjoy? Whether or not your marriage survives, you need and deserve friends. You need and deserve hobbies.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't buy that she'll always love him but not be in love crap. In fact, I have never understood what that convoluted expression means. If I may ask, how was your sex life before this happened?

The first eight years it was mostly me begging for sex all the time. She had a really low libido. She always cried and worried that I would step out on her as a result. Maybe a month before this began, her libido shot up to insane levels that even I couldn't handle. I was in the process of studying/taking finals for my degree and (stupidly) asked her to tone it down a bit. She apparently felt rejected, met this guy and things went from there. That's probably the worst part. Nine years of begging for it and when it comes around I'm too busy to enjoy it. One month of being in my shoes and she folds under the pressure. Seriously effed up.

OP, I don't buy that she'll always love him but not be in love crap. In fact, I have never understood what that convoluted expression means. If I may ask, how was your sex life before this happened?

OP, from a practical standpoint you need to gather you evidence. You need to have a copies of the emails with the ex, most importantly the one where she declared that she would abandon her child for this man. Having those communications will help you with custody, child support determinations and ALIMONY down the road. I'm sure you're wife is freaking out a bit realizing that as the wage earner she'd be on the hook for supporting YOU. I think you owe it to your child to go to therapy, so I commend you for evening trying, but my gut sense is your marriage may not survive this sort of betrayal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches have counseling groups so this might not be a bad way to go for more support. Another marriage problem facilitated by Facebook......where the past never completely goes away.

Yup. Facebook has already broken up 4 of my friends marriages. In all four cases, the wives left them to be with ex-high school or college boyfriends.

OP Here.
Same here. We had plenty of mutual friends who broke up because of Facebook. The funny thing is that she and I used to talk about that very thing and had a "no exes" policy when it came to FB friends. It was her idea, not mine. Apparently she went back on it a long time ago because she's friends with all of them now.

Facebook does not create cheaters, it facilitates cheating. You are a click sway from contacting someone for which you had feelings. When in the course of history has a tool like that been out there that has this ability?

OP Here.
I agree completely with you. I wasn't saying that Facebook caused it, rather it played a role in the destruction of my friends' (and now my) marriages. I once heard that locks do nothing to deter thieves, but they keep honest people honest. That was my approach to Facebook. Making friends and catching up with exes introduces temptation unnecessarily. But in the end a dog will still be a dog.

OP, I was ready to say "get back with her but ONLY if (1) she cuts off contact with this guy, (2) she agrees to counseling, and (3) you agree to become forgiving and trusting again." I include (3) because if you're going to treat her with coldness and suspicion, you may as well just end it now.

But then I read:

"She's friends with all of them now" (in reference to being FB friends with her exes.)

Nope ... the next moment she gets the least bit other than 100% happy with you, she's going to be moving on.

Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. You need this in case she locks you out of accounts, tries and keep you from your kid, etc.