Basic cleanliness, keeping fit, being a little distant, and being more direct when I feel like we should have sex have helped more than anything else.

I'm 12:28 and I wish DH would do the above. Basic cleanliness and keeping fit (he doesn't exercise and has put on 20#, which makes the snoring worse, so we sleep in separate rooms....etc). But I also appreciate the directness when he wants sex--sometimes I have no idea.

I have had a few talks with DH about our sex life, and he seems to be on board with improving it and agrees to take the steps I have asked him to take (and I have taken the steps he has asked, including coming to bed earlier, etc)--but he fails in the execution department. In many areas of our life. So, I get tired of asking and being told "yes, I'm going to do X" and then waiting and it never happens. My choices are to nag, to silently be resentful, or to turn my energies elsewhere. Unfortunately, turnign my sexual energies elsewhere isn't optional (except for masturbation).

Seems like if it were as simple as basic hygiene he'd get on board. So, either 1) it's not that simple; or 2) he's not all that interested in sex with you.

I've seen the goalposts move. At various times, I believe it's been suggested to me that a new bed, carpet, not hassling her about money, dishes, laundry, and taking the kids places would help with her libido. None of those things helped much.

Basic cleanliness, keeping fit, being a little distant, and being more direct when I feel like we should have sex have helped more than anything else.

its hard to gin up desire when i come upstairs and spouse is snoring louder than a freight train, and sleeping in the dirty clothes he wore all day and hasn't brushed his teeth. If my spouse made the minimum effort of making it pleasant to actually be in the same bed with him, I think I'd find myself wanting sex with him more often. He's been told as much, but chooses not to do the minimum, unless he wants sex, in which case he will clean up. He doesn't get that the rest of the time, he's turning me off so it is that much harder to suddenly think "hey, hot guy, come take me."

On the other hand, he doesn't approach me for sex much these days--and its not because I turn him down. But it would be much more pleasurable for me--much easier to think about my husband sexually--if he improved his hygiene.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:damn, that's a whole hour and half of "warming up". Poor guy.

And no guarantee that he won't have blue balls after the investment. Good lord.

Pretty solid guarantee that he'll have a happy wife and a less tense marriage after the "investment", though.

Seriously, guys. Grow the fuck up and figure out that there's more to life than sticking your dick somewhere wet. How simple can you possibly be??

wow!, has the guy incredibly unlucky man who married you killed himself yet?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:damn, that's a whole hour and half of "warming up". Poor guy.

And no guarantee that he won't have blue balls after the investment. Good lord.

Pretty solid guarantee that he'll have a happy wife and a less tense marriage after the "investment", though.

Seriously, guys. Grow the fuck up and figure out that there's more to life than sticking your dick somewhere wet. How simple can you possibly be??

Nope. Catering to her will make her less attracted to you. Forget what women say they want. Pay attention to who they're actually attracted to. Read their damn romance novels for a clue -- there is no dish washing and no hour and a half of cuddling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:damn, that's a whole hour and half of "warming up". Poor guy.

And no guarantee that he won't have blue balls after the investment. Good lord.

Pretty solid guarantee that he'll have a happy wife and a less tense marriage after the "investment", though.

Seriously, guys. Grow the fuck up and figure out that there's more to life than sticking your dick somewhere wet. How simple can you possibly be??

"I think this is key. I used to masturbate every day from age 4-28, and then it tapered off to where it is now: Never. When I touch my clit or nipples, I feel nothing. That can't be anything other than hormonal, right?"

It could. I thought I was dealing with peri-menopause low hormones, but after I divorced my sex drive skyrocketed. I'm as horny now as ever, though a little less during some parts of my cycle. I think it was the tremendous stress of a bad marriage plus bad feelings towards my ex that diminished my sex drive.

I know for me that if I get caught in a rut of no sex (if, for whatever reason, we're tired that week), my libido slows down and I don't want it. Once we finally do have sex, my libido kicks up and I want it more. It's a very interesting cycle and I wonder if LDs just went through the act often,f their bodies would naturally "fall in line".

OP, your theory is interesting and I do believe that for some familiarity breeds a decrease in sexual attraction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels good for YOU, maybe. For me, it's quite painful. (Nerve damage caused by giving birth. And yes, I have seen doctors, and no, they haven't been able to do much.) I can, and do, get through it... with preparation. But it would be very nice if intimacy and intercourse weren't always linked. Although... with enough more no-pressure intimacy, who's to say what's possible...?

Ahh the good old manipulative, passive aggressive LD tease. If you would only help out more, empty the dishwasher, do the laundry, work less, cuddle for 1.5 hours with no expectations, then maybe, someday, possibly....

...the goalposts will be moved yet again.

+1

Anonymous wrote:It feels good for YOU, maybe. For me, it's quite painful. (Nerve damage caused by giving birth. And yes, I have seen doctors, and no, they haven't been able to do much.) I can, and do, get through it... with preparation. But it would be very nice if intimacy and intercourse weren't always linked. Although... with enough more no-pressure intimacy, who's to say what's possible...?

Ahh the good old manipulative, passive aggressive LD tease. If you would only help out more, empty the dishwasher, do the laundry, work less, cuddle for 1.5 hours with no expectations, then maybe, someday, possibly....

...the goalposts will be moved yet again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell has time for 90 minutes of foreplay on a weeknight? We go up half hour early on sex nights - 30 minutes total for everything. Sheesh.

Cuddling = foreplay? Why can't cuddling be cuddling? Why must EVERY physical interaction lead to intercourse??

When starving, one views every meal like it might be the last.

Anonymous wrote:damn, that's a whole hour and half of "warming up". Poor guy.

And no guarantee that he won't have blue balls after the investment. Good lord.

Anonymous wrote:I'm attracted to my husband in a different way. I crave his touch, but not in a "take me now" way, more in a "hold me for hours" way. The rare occasions I get a snuggle, other thoughts are likely to surface, eventually. But unfortunately, his "attraction" hasn't changed in the last 20 years, and an innocent cuddle is likely to turn sexual (for him) far before I'm ready to do anything about it. So I don't even initiate cuddling anymore, because his body interprets it as a sexual advance, and then I have to disappoint him. Very frustrating for all.

Indeed. Damn him for still being attracted to you. That must be horribly inconvenient and frustrating for you.

I recall discussing with my wife how having kids would be a lot of effort. And they have been, and that's fine, because we went in with eyes open on that. I do not recall the conversation about how kids would mean less of a sexual relationship with my spouse - either because she'd feel like they ruined her body or made her too tired or changed her hormones or changed her priorities. More couples should have that discussion before reproducing. (Probably before marrying.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it is him.

My libido is high, for myself and other people (though no action on my part, not for lack of pentiful opportunity).

He has gained weight and his big belly and flab just digsust me.

He wants more sex and I've told him that his lack of muscle definition in his hulking upper body and his sizeable pony keg are big turn offs. He does nothing, so I guess he does not want it that bad. He seems to be hard all the time, but I guess he choose food and TV over me.

nothing is more irritating that bearing 2 children, working Full Time, and exercising to keep my tall frame in a size 4 and my ass high and tight and then to have a husband that eats too much and never exercises. A real bait and switch. When we met he played bball and kept fit. During my first pregnancy he went to shit and never recovered. Breach of contract!

Ouch!

It definitely goes both was guys. Women are visual too.

Yes, we are!

For me there is another factor here. THe fact that I maintain myself and he is proud of how I look as compared to most women my age with kids, heck I look better than most 23 year olds. Why is it that he thinks it is OK to let himself go to pieces? Why can't I have a spouse that looks amazing as well? He is not an ugly guy and he has the body that easily build muscle and has a nice shape, but he wastes it. I guess that is what I get for marrying a big jock. When that muscle is not in use it turns soft and flabby.

At least he has stamina. He can go on a hike an keep up and he can run when coaxed out. If I had a husband that huffed and puffed when running a mile, I would throw up.