DH here. It also goes the other - that is the DWs who are overly attached to their Mothers, which has been my case. Married in late twenties; her Mother has figured in every decision we ever made. And if I complained I was told to get over it.

and then my MIL, plays the victim as she is long widowed. "I'm just here to help." Yeah, MIL can ruin relationships.

What I did wrong was not address the issue. I kept asking my wife to but she would rather push back on me. I should have set a time limit and then very politely, but firmly, sat them both down and laid down the law.

some people aren't mature enough to marry. So, if your husband won't put your marriage first then he shouldn't be married.

This is what happens when you opt for free childcare.

I definitely think a MIL can ruin a marriage. My MIL has put a huge strain on my marriage. She is the only thing DH and I have very serious arguments about. It's been causing resentment. I resent DH because I can't stand MIL and don't think that he stands up to her enough. DH resents me because I caused tension between he and MIL.

MIL is extremely passive-aggressive and can't handle it when she doesn't get her way. She dislikes me because I took her son away from her. And because I'm the reason she doesn't see DC as often as she thinks she should (I think she would move in if we let her). She wants to come stay at our (small) house for more than a week every month. Which would almost be tolerable if we actually had the room to accommodate a house guest for that long and if she wasn't a bitch. But when she comes over, she has to be the center of attention. She thinks she is the best grandmother on earth and doesn't let me have a second with DC unless I get testy with her about it. She is exactly the kind of person that would badmouth me to DC behind my back, she does it with DH. She tells DH and I how to parent, decorate our house, etc. He used to just nod his head while I seethed and then we'd fight about it all after she leaves.

To his credit, DH has gotten much better about shutting her down. It has made things better between us because I finally am starting to feel like he is choosing me over MIL. It's made things worse with MIL because I'm the reason that DH stands up to her.

So yeah, MILs can definitely ruin a marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your husband sounds like a doormat. The first time she emailed him a "report" he should have shut her BS down. End of story.

Which is probably why he married OP. Just sayin'

+1

I would agree, DH needed a strong woman in his life; in our case, I am the EXACT opposite of MIL - which is why he wants me around. I am not ditzy or wishy-washy; and what you see is what you get. I am warm, social, welcoming and accomplished. MIL is not. It took me standing up to MIL myself, and I had no problem doing it. I would suggest women in these situations take matters into their own hands. Do you really care what toxic MIL thinks of you? I should hope not.

Anonymous wrote:your husband sounds like a doormat. The first time she emailed him a "report" he should have shut her BS down. End of story.

Which is probably why he married OP. Just sayin'

Anonymous wrote:I am sure your MIL is a piece of work but you are as well? I usually find the women who hate their MIL to be sort of the controlling type or overthink things. Maybe you need to not be so sensitive and when someone bothers you..talk to her and don't be passive aggressive. I hate when I hear things like "should I cut her out" ..seriously is that even mature.

I agree that it likely is a two-way street. I know its not popular in these parts but some PPs come across as so damn controlling themselves. There absolutely are toxic, dysfunctional families and brutal MILs to deal with. But man, some of you act like saints and martyrs who shit Belgian chocolate.

Anonymous wrote:I think I would do whatever it takes to reduce her involvement in my life. She's sounds like a sick puppy -- very toxic.

And yes, I do think someone can drive a wedge between two people.

+1. my MIL almost did this to us. we did an entire year of intense marriage counseling before my DH could even begin to say that his mother *might* be out of line.
we live near my parents and not near his and see them once 3 or 4 times a year.
imagine if she opened her heart and was kind to me; she would have a much better relationship with her grandkids, which is what she wants.

Your husband has to take this up with her. Healthy rule is if it is your parent causing the problem, you deal with it. If it is his parent, he deals with it.

He needs to tell her to stop. If he is unwilling to tell her to stop, then you need to be unwilling to let her come to your house - meaning if he won't handle the behavior and stop it, you will.

your husband sounds like a doormat. The first time she emailed him a "report" he should have shut her BS down. End of story.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this makes my MIL sound like a saint!

A MIL can only ruin your marraige if your husband won't stand up to her. Your DH is part of the way there by not repeating her vile diatribes, but he needs to tell her to can it NOW. That is totally unnacceptable. I'd also think about limitng contact to only times when your DH is around, and then you can leave for some alone time. She can take up all of the issues with him in person if she must.

If this isn't nipped in the bud now, imagine in a few years when she complains about you to your kids when you're not around. She sounds like the type to disregard your parenting decisions and badmouth you.

my grandmother did this to me with my parents. i ultimately decided to cut ties with her because it was too toxic.

OP, can you tell us where your husband is in all of this? Is he willing to stand up to his mother?