Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are crazy. I would kill for extra help and nap time.

+1

sometimes that extra help comes at a steep price and isn't worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are crazy. I would kill for extra help and nap time.

+1

People are different. I wanted it to be just the three of us when the baby was born. I did not need any help,and I certainly did not want MIL coming for 4 + hours every day starting the day my baby was born. She also fought about every request I made, such as hand washing, or being quiet around the baby, insisted on leaving baby on the balcony alone "to get fresh air" (baby was born in the middle of summer), etc. She did not leave me alone and she still does not - when I feed the baby she just towers over me and watches, she does not leave the room when I try to get changed. This certainly did not and does not provide me with a rewarding cross-generational experience, quite the opposite.

Anonymous wrote:You people are crazy. I would kill for extra help and nap time.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think.

She's excited (thumbs up)
You don't like her (thums down)

Therefore, her excited behavior is annoying (thums down)


I suggest you do what you can to ignore the things that don't matter (e.g., her choice of words for "her baby").

Also, acknowledge and consider her unsolicited advice, even if it's administered poorly (sort of like my post is doing now ) ~~ once you've been in the mommy business long enough, maybe by child #2, you'll probably have a bit more empathy for the urge to offer unsolicited advice or, rather, share your experiences and acquired wisdom.

The big stuff that does (somewhat) matter more, such as her coming over to the house "too much" and without being invited or announced: defer to your husband and have him set the boundaries. But I recommend that you be generous, as generous as you reasonably can. Unless she's truly a witch (not just that her personality rubs you the wrong way), you'll benefit from good multi-generational, cross spousal family relations. More importantly, so will your kids.

+1. Said with wisdom and compassion.

+2

Anonymous wrote:13:17 (first of two at that time) here: As someone whose only grandparent left is elderly and can't help out, I get a little taken aback when I see these types of posts, because when my older siblings had kids, my mom was able to really help them out. So I am unable to connect with what you are feeling. I would love an intrusive and loving grandparent to help out and give me unsolicited advice. Big deal, when she's gone, you shake your head and say some cute things about how she's so trying to be helpful. She can go to grandparents day at the kids school - mine never had that.

My dad is gone and my mom lives on the other side of the country. We used to live with my mom. OP's post describes my MIL perfectly. There is, as a PP said, too much of a good thing. The only kicker I have on OP is that MIL used to come over unannounced AND LET HERSELF IN OUR HOUSE WHEN WE WERE HOME!

I like the other PP's suggestions about channeling the energy. And I get the "my baby" thing - it took a while but now I just have gotten over it. We went through a +/- 2 year period of really pushing back and creating space, and now we have a nice balance of her helping when we want, as opposed to her being around all the time and constantly assuming/acting like we can't do anything for ourselves (after I had #2 the first time one of us was going to be alone with both kids we had to argue with her not to come over and convince her we could handle 2 kids alone).

Anonymous wrote:You people are crazy. I would kill for extra help and nap time.

Some people have more self respect than others.

I called my nephews "our baby" and my family did the same with our girls. I think this is more about her ACTING like he's "her" baby than calling him hers, which he is....technically.....her grandson, and so he is her baby....she's not his Mother, but definitely regarding the baby of your baby it is not exactly an odd thing to say. That said, she needs to know her boundaries. My Mom's boundaries with my kids are different than with my sister's children. She's practically another Parent to them. With my kids, she's their Grandmother. It's strange to her, but she's gotten used to it. I am very close with my Mother, though, and am able to talk to her (she does call them her babies, which doesn't even remotely bother me, as it wouldn't if my MIL did it, although I don't know that she ever did, actually). It's weird when it's your MIL because you are not saying so many things and you're focusing on that one phrase because you're annoyed in general. You need to talk to your husband about it and have him set some space.

You people are crazy. I would kill for extra help and nap time.

pp here. I agree while I see the "my baby" thing can be irritating, you should pick other battles. When she calls the next time to follow up on a piece of parenting advice, just say " I've decided not to do it that way." If she continues say " I guess a perk of being a mom is that I get to decide, huh?" and just kind of rub it in. Also limit how much she comes over by saying "I think I just want to have quiet mother and son bonding time today. how about Wednesday" instead off making up other excuses. She should understand. If she doesn't, at least she can't say to someone else "My DIL and her son want to have bonding time to themselves today. How dare she!" If you are more forward with your needs she will understand. Once you reach a balance on how much of her you can face vs. how much of her help you need, you will be much happier and you and MIL can build a good relationship from there. At this point where you resent even her speech patterns you cannot build a good relationship.

OP, DO NOT LISTEN TO POSTERS SAYING PUT UP WITH HER.

I read all three pages and I'm infuriated by the people who just don't understand what it is like. Just infuriated.

I was in your same situation 2 years ago when my first baby was born. My mother wanted to come over every day and dictate how warm my baby should dress, how often he should eat, where we go out, how much outing is ok, how much outing is too much, etc.

I was tired and confused and irritated but time passed and I have clarity now.

I should've stood up to her and told her this is my baby, this is my precious few months with my brand new first baby, my chance to be a mom now, and my turn. You've had your chance. If I miss my chance now, I'll never get it back.

It's hard but it's what you need to do.

We had fights, we made up, we've had many ups and downs since then.

To underscore the people who say you should deal, yes, she comes once a week now and provides me much needed respite and a chance to get all my personal errands done. I need to help very much. I am also very careful not to let it become two days a week (which she is too eager to do). I work 4 days week. If she takes my baby 2 days, I don't get to bond with my baby and it changes the relationship. I have to go now but really, you need to stick up for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:Regarding the frequent visits: use it! Schedule a special time once or twice a week for just her and your LO. Take that time for yourself; nap, go get a mani/pedi, go have a quiet lunch out, do laundry, etc.

Turn lemons into lemonade. There's only so much you can do.

OP, I received the exact same advice and I think it is good for when the baby is a bit older. My MIL was actually telling me the above. She, as yours was over every single day, but I had no desire to go anywhere. I wanted to be with my newborn, not to get a pedicure. Talk to your husband - it took me 3 month to make these visits more spaced out. I also started feeling more safer to leave the baby with her. I do resent my MIL - she ruined my maternity leave by trying to snatch my baby away from me. She still hates to see me around DC, but I became better at telling her to give me space.

Anonymous wrote:Ever since my son was born, my MIL is obsessed with the baby (1st grandchild). It's bad enough my in-laws live 5 minutes from us, but she wants to be over here every single day, multiple times a day, and makes excuses to come by. She is constantly offering up unsolicited parenting advice, which I get is part and parcel of being a grandparent, but my polite "thanks, we'll consider x" responses are only met with follow-up phone calls and conversations over the coming days so she can ensure we're doing as she told us, and major guilt trips if we're not.

Lately she's been referring to my son as "her" baby, e.g. "How's my baby doing?", or, when out and about "Isn't my baby sweet?" to perfect strangers. I know she's just excited, but is there a tactful way I can put a stop to this? Sometimes I just want to scream "he's MY baby you overbearing hag!" I know this may be a minor thing to some, but it's really starting to bother me...probably since we don't exactly have the greatest relationship to begin with. Help?!

I feel for you.

Anonymous wrote:haha -- do we have the same MIL? i totally get you. once my MIL was giving us some "helpful" advice and i told her, "this is MY baby and i'll do what i want." i defintely got the "if looks could kill" look. it didn't stop anything, but i think it irritated her, which was good enough for me. maybe add a "you had your turn to mother, now it's my turn."
good luck!

While I understand both the OP and your point, be careful in what you say and how you say it. You never know what is going to happen on the parenting journey and there may be a time that you desperately need your MIL no matter how annoying she is. Don't burn bridges early.

Anonymous wrote:OP let the "my baby" thing go, MY mother is the worst offender. Every time she calls me the first words out of her mouth are "how is my baby today?" Yes its kind of annoying but other wise she is great.

As far as your MIL stopping by all the time that is NOT OK. I've learned with my MIL I have to set the rules and boundaries, my DH is a total push over when it comes to is mother as hard as he tries. So just let her know you would love to have her come by XX (we do Sunday dinners) to see the baby. When she stops by at other times let her know it is not a good time for you and/or the baby and you will see her on XX.

You do have to set boundaries. My MIL was a bit of a stalker. Called me every day demanding I take her to lunch, broke into our house, call, calls, calls. Really got mad when I changed the number. DH did not see a thing! (or pretended not to...)
I did finally have to put a stop to all that. I waited a long time for this baby, it was not a twosome etc etc.

The follow-up phone calls and guilt trips are out-of-line, though kind of typical I have to say. My mother is the same way. I think you say "thanks for the thoughts" and of course do what you think best.

I think you are way overreacting to the "my baby" thing. It may be annoying to you but, if it comes from a good place, why would you want to make an issue of it?