Anonymous wrote:I know this post was quite a while ago, but hopefully someone will still see my response. I am coming at this from the opposite perspective. I am the forgetful one. I am 5 months pregnant and last night I forgot to turn the oven off and the house started to heat up and my partner woke up really hot and discovered the fact. He was very angry and then gave me the silent treatment this morning. It's something that I do quite a lot. I kept saying it was an accident and that I never mean to do it, but he said I do it too often for it to be an accident. But it really is an accident. I hate it when I do it, as it makes him so worried and makes me worry. He sent me a message today saying he's worried about my ability to look after a kid. I am worried too. I heard on the radio about this case where a mother accidentally left her child out in a hot car to perish. I don't think I would do this, as I think I would be focused on the baby - I am focused on our cat and have managed to keep her in good health - but what if it did happen? What if I become even more forgetful when sleep deprived? I'm starting to wonder if I do have ADD and am not really sure what to do about it. I don't really want to go on medication. Are there techniques to improve your memory of things like this?
Thanks

Anonymous wrote:To the clinical psychologist - thank you. So appreciated. You are 100% correct about the hyper-focusing and the fact that ADD is a cognitive style.

It is VERY hard to live with though, as you mentioned.

Anonymous wrote:Are we married to the same guy??? My DH does this too. I figure it's not worth getting upset about so I have trained myself to ask him if he has his keys before we leave and I always check the doors and oven at night. The kids may not be wearing matching socks when he's in charge but he's a great dad and husband and that's what is important to me.

Anonymous wrote:Are we married to the same guy??? My DH does this too. I figure it's not worth getting upset about so I have trained myself to ask him if he has his keys before we leave and I always check the doors and oven at night. The kids may not be wearing matching socks when he's in charge but he's a great dad and husband and that's what is important to me.

Anonymous wrote:My DH regularly leaves his keys in the front door...overnight. Now I have to check. He also regularly flips out because he's "lost" his wallet or keys. The fact is, he never really loses them---he's just left them in the glove compartment or some other random place.

But he's never forgetful when it comes to our kids. In fact, he has a better handle on their busy schedules than I do.

Anonymous wrote:As a clinical psychologist that works with adult ADD, I just wanted to weigh in on the common misconception: "I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours." Actually, folks with ADD are particularly good at this type of "hyperfocusing," but usually on something they personally find inherently interesting.

So it is possible that your DH is further up on the ADD spectrum, and I appreciate your concerns about having a baby, partly because ALL of us demonstrate more ADD-like symptoms under increased stress and less sleep (though if he is engaged with the baby, he may actually hyperfocus with attentive care).

Some advice:
1) Set aside time to figure out what HE actually cares about more (lights, keys, fridge, oven, car door), and what are the priorities you should be concerned about (for both of you), and then collaboratively brainstorm on potential structure, solutions, and systems. For example, clear designated hooks and bowls for his wallet and keys near the door, which he will have to practice using every time he comes home (until it becomes a habit).
2) Technology may help, as well, like electronic key finders, or FindMyIphone (if he has an iphone).
3) A hidden spare car key outside the car (magnet, behind tag, gas cap safe) in case he loses his key when out and about (don't want this to happen with a crying and hungry kid waiting to go home).
4) Stove top system of practice: turn off BEFORE removing pot or pan, the rubber band trick, etc. Use the microwave timer if using the stove.
Etc..

Hopefully, you get the idea. But you two should work together to develop all this. And when you approach him, focus on how you would like and need a more predictable environment to help with your general stress level. Consider not arguing with him if he says you are being sensitive, controlling, neurotic, etc. and focus instead on if he can do both these things that matter, and some favors for you, which you would be very grateful for.

Eventually, you may want to consider more ADD screening (online, for example) for him. If he balks, remind him that it is not necessarily a disorder, but a cognitive style, with many strengths that come with the typical challenges. Clearer identification and diagnosis could lead to more solutions.

Finally, if you read up more about adult ADD, it could help with your general understanding, frustration, and solution finding. Good luck. I know this can be particularly challenging for partners.

Anonymous wrote:The worst is when he leaves the lights on, doors open stove on etc and you say anything he attacks back, but then you leave the light on in your room cause youre just out of it for a second to grab something and I get in trouble!! He has left the tv, computer and light on in his room and closed his door and come out into the lounge room and started watching tv... Then has a fit about electricity bills. Its ok for him to screw up and use more electricity but holy hell if I leave a light on in my room for 5 minutes!!!