Anonymous
08/16/2017 10:05
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
Anonymous wrote:Kpursel1 wrote:My daughter is 24 and in a relationship one year. He is 29 has no job, no education, 5 yrs in Iraq in the Marines, lives with his parents on a leased ranch, divorced with a 9yrs old daughter. My daughter wants to marry him 5/18/13 and we are
suppose to pay for the wedding. She says she will marry him no matter what, but I ask her what the hurry is? I asked her to live with him at least a year before they talk marriage, she lives out of town and works as a server in a resturant
but at least she has had a job for 5yrs. Help me to help her without pushing her away from me. My husband is a push over and has no backbone to stand up to these two and tell them to wait, live together and try to get good jobs before
they marry. Any helpful comments would be appreciated. Thank you.
She sounds like a loser too... Do you expect her to marry a brain surgeon? They sound equally matched.
Anonymous
08/16/2017 09:57
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
It has been 5yrs since you posted this. I was wondering what happened, as I am going through this with my daughter right now. Are they still together?
Anonymous
10/09/2012 10:42
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
If I really wanted to protect my child from her bad judgment? I'd say, "fine, I'll pay for the wedding. But you both have to sign a pre-nup". Make it a reasonably fair pre nup. Make it the divorce agreement everyone wishes they had gotten. (google things to put in a divorce agreement, like in the event of a subsequent divorce.... both parties shall carry life insurance FBO children, both parties shall fund a pre-paid college education fund for each minor child, whatever). But it can save your daughter a lot of heartache down the road if she ends up in an ungly divorce.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 22:02
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
Agree with the general sentiment. Keep your daughter close but give her some tough love in the financial department. A huge wedding isn't necessary if they really love each other. Be there, be supportive. People with losers will figure it out more quickly if you support them and not be the source of drama. No more paying for her at all except paying for her to get an IUD.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 20:41
Subject: Re:My daughter wants to marry a loser
I echo what the PPs have said.
First, you are part of the problem by supporting your 24yo daughter and enabling her lack of ambition.
Second, she is the one making the decision - tell her what you should: it is ultimately HER decision, HER responsibility, and HER life. You'll give her X $$ and she can use it towards the wedding or, perhaps something wiser like a house downpayment.
The last thing you want to do is alienate your only daughter, right? So stop trying to decide what is best for her and treat her as an adult who gets to make her own decisions (with her own money) AND who takes responsibility for herself and her decisions.
Make sure she knows that the potential marriage has been a wake up call for you and your husband, that you've been supporting her for too long; removing financial support is NOT punitive because of her man, it's because you realize she's old enough and making tough adult decisions, like whether to be a mom to someone else's kid. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy and with someone who treats her well.
Lastly, take it easy on her man. I'm sure you realize that lots of vets have emotional trauma and it's typically not dealt with appropriately. So another condition would be to make sure that he's seeing a psychiatrist to make sure he is in a healthy state of mind.
First, you are part of the problem by supporting your 24yo daughter and enabling her lack of ambition.
Second, she is the one making the decision - tell her what you should: it is ultimately HER decision, HER responsibility, and HER life. You'll give her X $$ and she can use it towards the wedding or, perhaps something wiser like a house downpayment.
The last thing you want to do is alienate your only daughter, right? So stop trying to decide what is best for her and treat her as an adult who gets to make her own decisions (with her own money) AND who takes responsibility for herself and her decisions.
Make sure she knows that the potential marriage has been a wake up call for you and your husband, that you've been supporting her for too long; removing financial support is NOT punitive because of her man, it's because you realize she's old enough and making tough adult decisions, like whether to be a mom to someone else's kid. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy and with someone who treats her well.
Lastly, take it easy on her man. I'm sure you realize that lots of vets have emotional trauma and it's typically not dealt with appropriately. So another condition would be to make sure that he's seeing a psychiatrist to make sure he is in a healthy state of mind.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 19:09
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
OP, I'm going to be harsh.
When children are handed everything, like your daughter has been (by your own admission), they do not develop the self esteem to grow into a confident, self-sufficient adult. She is underemployed because she doesn't have any ambition. She is depending on her parents to pay her bills because she has no clue how to stand on her own. She is going to marry a loser because she doesn't think she can do any better. I have seen this scenario play out a million times and it's a shame, because it didn't have to be this way.
It's time to CUT THE CORD. Stop paying your daughter's bills. Stop giving her relationship advice. And for god's sake, don't pay for her wedding. This doesn't mean you can't still have a loving, emotionally supportive relationship with her. But please, for her sake, let her become an adult.
When children are handed everything, like your daughter has been (by your own admission), they do not develop the self esteem to grow into a confident, self-sufficient adult. She is underemployed because she doesn't have any ambition. She is depending on her parents to pay her bills because she has no clue how to stand on her own. She is going to marry a loser because she doesn't think she can do any better. I have seen this scenario play out a million times and it's a shame, because it didn't have to be this way.
It's time to CUT THE CORD. Stop paying your daughter's bills. Stop giving her relationship advice. And for god's sake, don't pay for her wedding. This doesn't mean you can't still have a loving, emotionally supportive relationship with her. But please, for her sake, let her become an adult.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 12:31
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
She's an adult, and you need to treat her like one. That means she pays her own expenses and makes her own decisions. If she needs to move home (on her own!) and get financial support, then you can help out. But you can't on the one hand finance her current lifestyle and then complain about it. If you don't think she's ready for marriage, say that, but then say you'll always love her and be on her side.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 11:33
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
I know several people with grad degrees who are in their 20s and wait tables or bartend to make ends meet, so let's not throw the "loser" term around so easily. But, yeah, cut the girl off or she may be doing the same thing in 10 years. Spoiling a kid is not a good way to create a self-sufficient adult.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 10:40
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
Anonymous wrote:Maybe the guy is not a loser. You said he was in the Marines for 5 years. How long has he been out? Maybe he needs time to figure things out. Maybe his parents have qualms about him marrying a restaurant server. Perhaps they would like to see him married to someone more professional.
I was thinking the same thing. OP, the job market SUCKS for people in their 20s right now. I wouldn't hold his joblessness alone against him. What is his character like? Is he honest? Does he love your daughter? Is he a good father? Is he looking for work? Do he and your daughter have similar values? Religion/lack thereof? Similar life goals? He could be a GREAT guy who is just in a very tough transition right now.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 10:35
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
Anonymous wrote:Maybe the guy is not a loser. You said he was in the Marines for 5 years. How long has he been out? Maybe he needs time to figure things out. Maybe his parents have qualms about him marrying a restaurant server. Perhaps they would like to see him married to someone more professional.
And he's fighting for custody of his daughter. Not that this is an indication of someone being "father of the year", but it's better than so many guys I hear about who just walk away from their responsibilities and leave the raising of their child(ren) to the mother.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 10:22
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
Maybe the guy is not a loser. You said he was in the Marines for 5 years. How long has he been out? Maybe he needs time to figure things out. Maybe his parents have qualms about him marrying a restaurant server. Perhaps they would like to see him married to someone more professional.
Anonymous
10/08/2012 10:16
Subject: My daughter wants to marry a loser
Anonymous wrote:I don't like being negative towards other people's relationships and I hope it works out but the OP's daughter's relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster.
It isn't 1950 anymore, these days this kind of relationship/marriage has virtually no chance of working out long term.[/quote] So what? and that's what OP needs to tell herself, SO WHAT? the marriage fails and then what? the world implodes, armageddon starts? what?. The marriage will fail, your daughter will learn from it, pick herself up and move on. People have recovered from worse things.