Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 16:31     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:
OP, I had to work through these exact same issues. It's been a long time, but here are some things I learned the hard way that might help you:

--Your husband might have his own feelings about all of this, and just not be able to communicate them. Does he know about your past? Does he know you are more experienced than he is? Does he know you thought your past lovers were awesome? That may have left him profoundly insecure, and hurt. He may feel it is impossible to ever satisfy you fully, or to have total intimacy with you, so he doesn't even want to try. That might be holding him back from being the lover you wish he was.

--The overwhelming weight you feel from your past is not good, or necessary. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do, those feelings do not come from Him.

--Your husband loves you as you stand, as you are, right now. He loves you WITH all your mistakes. What he wants more than anything is all of you. By erecting walls of guilt and shame and self-loathing, and indulging in fantasies, you are creating more and more barriers. Let all those barriers go. You can make that choice. You are free to love him completely, if you so choose. You are not trapped.

--ask your husband's forgiveness. You don't need to list out every single specific offense, real or imaginary. Just ask him to forgive you for all the ways you have offended against him--even before you knew who he was. Tell him you are truly sorry, you want to be all the wife he deserves, and you are so grateful for him.

--don't start over, but start fron where you are. Look for greater intimacy, rather than greater technique and skill. Praise him for everything he does that makes you feel good, no matter how small. Don't expect him to suddenly pour himself out to you, because that kind of trust takes time. For us, it took years. But it is so worth it.

--the turning point will be when you, willingly, reject fantasies about the past. When those fantasies actually look gross to you, because they get in the way of the perfect understanding you two have. You will get there, I promise.

This is an opportunity for great growth in your marriage. Some things may be painful, but it will be so worth it in the end.

I hope you and your husband grow closer through this. Take care.


Thank you so much for your kindness. Your points have been very helpful.

I do not think DH feels inferior or anything because I've never compared him to anyone else. He does know that he is the one with less experience, but we don't really talk about that. He said a long time ago that my past is the past and it's not important because I'm his now. Plus I don't talk about things like that because it's horrifying to me. I feel that it makes me tarnished, so I'd rather pretend that certain things never happened. So 11:14- I could never go to counseling and be honest. I'd rather die, than discuss that.

And that's why I never really complained about how things are between us. I figured that it was my "punishment" I guess you could say. Like that is what I get for my past actions, so I better deal with it gracefully and stop being so focused on sex.

But the thing is, it's not just sex...it's the rejection. I am sure that it's hard for anyone to be rejected by their spouse,but I think it's even harder for a woman. And it's happened so often that I kind of associate sex with rejection or a struggle. Like I have to convince him or something. And I really don't want to feel that way. Then after I do all that convincing, I'm going to be bored anyway.

So I can get things started but I don't know how it's going to turn out. It could be with very hurt feelings. He doesn't see it this way though. He says he doesn't reject me, it's just that sometimes he is tired. Ok, but you are so tired that 90% of the time the answer is no? Am I that ugly? He would say that it's not like that and he loves me very much and he is very attracted to me. I would say that I believe him, but he still rejects me, and it's hard to deal with.

Until this happened, I had no idea that I was so vunerable. I get what you are saying about being disgusted because the thought of having sex with anyone
else is rather revolting- so I've never thought that I would be disloyal to him. But that was because I was looking at it differently. I was thinking about how meeting someone new and going there would be gross. I had no idea that these past feelings were even there, or that they could be stirred.

I will try what you said and focus on greater intimacy. Once again, thank you for your understanding.

Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 11:53     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am not dramatic. What I am is ashamed of my actions. I know better than to engage in going back down memory lane- yet I did it anyway. I feel it was very disrespectful to my husband, and for that I am sorry.

I had a terrible time last night dealing with the guilt. Especially when he called me to say that he loved me and he couldn't wait to see me later on. Now he always does that, but something about last night felt different. I felt like he was saying that because he knew.

I am not going to flame the asbistence posters because I agree. I hope that maybe the advice helps someone else, but as for me right now, I know that I made mistakes in the past and there is nothing I can do to change that.

For the poster who asked if things were always this way. Well we did not do that before marriage, so there really wasn't any way to judge that. And if you would have told me, I wouldn't have cared.

Yes, I have been with someone other than my husband. Yes, I am ashamed. Yes, I feel even worse that I allowed
this person to consume my mind in this way. My thoughts are just vulgar. I love my husband very much and have no desire to be in a relationship with my ex. But my mind thinks I would like to have sex with him.

I ask myself, could I even really do that? I don't think I could. But I kind of want to. These thoughts are really distracting me. I mean REALLY distracting me. It's not about paying bills or getting used to the person- it's really about sex plain and simple. One does nothing for me at all. The other has me hot and bothered just thinking about it. One is very conservative in that area. The other is not.

I am in the wrong, and I acknowledge this. This is no reason to make me feel worse about it. This is shocking to me because I never thought I could be typing something like this.


OP, I had to work through these exact same issues. It's been a long time, but here are some things I learned the hard way that might help you:

--Your husband might have his own feelings about all of this, and just not be able to communicate them. Does he know about your past? Does he know you are more experienced than he is? Does he know you thought your past lovers were awesome? That may have left him profoundly insecure, and hurt. He may feel it is impossible to ever satisfy you fully, or to have total intimacy with you, so he doesn't even want to try. That might be holding him back from being the lover you wish he was.

--The overwhelming weight you feel from your past is not good, or necessary. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do, those feelings do not come from Him.

--Your husband loves you as you stand, as you are, right now. He loves you WITH all your mistakes. What he wants more than anything is all of you. By erecting walls of guilt and shame and self-loathing, and indulging in fantasies, you are creating more and more barriers. Let all those barriers go. You can make that choice. You are free to love him completely, if you so choose. You are not trapped.

--ask your husband's forgiveness. You don't need to list out every single specific offense, real or imaginary. Just ask him to forgive you for all the ways you have offended against him--even before you knew who he was. Tell him you are truly sorry, you want to be all the wife he deserves, and you are so grateful for him.

--don't start over, but start fron where you are. Look for greater intimacy, rather than greater technique and skill. Praise him for everything he does that makes you feel good, no matter how small. Don't expect him to suddenly pour himself out to you, because that kind of trust takes time. For us, it took years. But it is so worth it.

--the turning point will be when you, willingly, reject fantasies about the past. When those fantasies actually look gross to you, because they get in the way of the perfect understanding you two have. You will get there, I promise.

This is an opportunity for great growth in your marriage. Some things may be painful, but it will be so worth it in the end.

I hope you and your husband grow closer through this. Take care.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 11:17     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Another thing, don't feel ashamed. We all do things that we regret but it's OK and part of developing as a person. You're at a vulnerable point.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 11:14     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
OP, I respect your honesty. I would go to counseling with your DH to discuss this issue if it bothers you so much. There might be issues that come out both of you were not even aware of. Also, think of why you broke up with this man. Maybe the sex and everything that went with it is being overvalued because of your current situation.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 10:35     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Op here. I am not dramatic. What I am is ashamed of my actions. I know better than to engage in going back down memory lane- yet I did it anyway. I feel it was very disrespectful to my husband, and for that I am sorry.

I had a terrible time last night dealing with the guilt. Especially when he called me to say that he loved me and he couldn't wait to see me later on. Now he always does that, but something about last night felt different. I felt like he was saying that because he knew.

I am not going to flame the asbistence posters because I agree. I hope that maybe the advice helps someone else, but as for me right now, I know that I made mistakes in the past and there is nothing I can do to change that.

For the poster who asked if things were always this way. Well we did not do that before marriage, so there really wasn't any way to judge that. And if you would have told me, I wouldn't have cared.

Yes, I have been with someone other than my husband. Yes, I am ashamed. Yes, I feel even worse that I allowed
this person to consume my mind in this way. My thoughts are just vulgar. I love my husband very much and have no desire to be in a relationship with my ex. But my mind thinks I would like to have sex with him.

I ask myself, could I even really do that? I don't think I could. But I kind of want to. These thoughts are really distracting me. I mean REALLY distracting me. It's not about paying bills or getting used to the person- it's really about sex plain and simple. One does nothing for me at all. The other has me hot and bothered just thinking about it. One is very conservative in that area. The other is not.

I am in the wrong, and I acknowledge this. This is no reason to make me feel worse about it. This is shocking to me because I never thought I could be typing something like this.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 10:08     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:I may get flamed for this, but why not have the best of both worlds? You only live once.

Hook up with your ex to satisfy your sexual appetite. Then go home every night to the man who truly loves you how you deserve to be loved.

Easy peasy.


And what happens if she starts developing feelings for the ex? Having sex with someone repeatedly does that to people. Also, does she really want to go home from a session with this guy and look her DH in the eye and possibly sleep with him later that night? Just because you only live once doesn't mean anything goes.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 09:56     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
I may get flamed for this, but why not have the best of both worlds? You only live once.

Hook up with your ex to satisfy your sexual appetite. Then go home every night to the man who truly loves you how you deserve to be loved.

Easy peasy.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 09:27     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is like a commercial for abstinence before marriage.


I agree. And I know I will get flamed, but I don't care.

Sex is meant to make two humans beings become one. Physiologically, biochemically, really intense bonding happens, especially for a woman. In fact, science is only beginning to understand how profoundly our bodies were designed for that bond.

So when that bond is not monogamous and lifelong, there are consequences. We see them all the time. Like in this thread. Like all over DCUM.

The best sex a woman can ever possibly experience is with a man she trusts with her life. Her physical climax is directly related to how safe, protected, and secure she feels, because her stress hormones need to be low in order for the oxytocin and dopamine and endorphins to reach their peaks. And a curious thing about those "love" hormones? They actually make a woman forget physical and emotional distress. That's why women who have unmedicated childbirth remember little of labor afterwards.

So a woman who bonded intensely, physically, to a man in the past will easily remember the good because her brain is erasing the bad. That would be helpful in a committed relationship with the father of your children, because it would be easier to overlook your husband's faults. It is NOT helpful when you fantasize about past sexual partners.

Gosh, I hope I can teach my daughters all these things so they make better decisions than I did!
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 08:55     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I kept a fwb relationship going long distance for several years because of good sex. It was amazing....finally dropped him but now I'm out there looking. If fwb showed up on my doorstep, I'd have his britches off in a heartbeat and have lots of fun before I shoved him back outside and locked the door.

What I don't understand is why the jerks are good lovers and not the nice guys


Because jerks don't care and you don't either. True great sex is a lot tougher when you are involved with someone and feel judged.


Sex also gets better if you don't have to pay the bills with the guy.

The jerks are by definition more willing to push your boundaries, if a jerk pushes them too far well you just send him on his way without letting him get any.


Because jerks don't care, they are perceived as having more confidence which translates to better perceptions about the sex quality.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 08:40     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I kept a fwb relationship going long distance for several years because of good sex. It was amazing....finally dropped him but now I'm out there looking. If fwb showed up on my doorstep, I'd have his britches off in a heartbeat and have lots of fun before I shoved him back outside and locked the door.

What I don't understand is why the jerks are good lovers and not the nice guys


Because jerks don't care and you don't either. True great sex is a lot tougher when you are involved with someone and feel judged.


Sex also gets better if you don't have to pay the bills with the guy.

The jerks are by definition more willing to push your boundaries, if a jerk pushes them too far well you just send him on his way without letting him get any.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 08:37     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, if your husband doesn't find out, it won't hurt him. Just be discreet! and be smart about it.



What a douche bag.


I may be but everything I said is true!
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 08:35     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:I kept a fwb relationship going long distance for several years because of good sex. It was amazing....finally dropped him but now I'm out there looking. If fwb showed up on my doorstep, I'd have his britches off in a heartbeat and have lots of fun before I shoved him back outside and locked the door.

What I don't understand is why the jerks are good lovers and not the nice guys


Because jerks don't care and you don't either. True great sex is a lot tougher when you are involved with someone and feel judged.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 06:51     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
for the OP, was the sex with DH always bad? If it was always bad then you knew going in what you were signing up for.

Perhaps it's a medical issue as he's getting older?
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 06:42     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
Anonymous wrote:OP, if your husband doesn't find out, it won't hurt him. Just be discreet! and be smart about it.



What a douche bag.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2012 05:25     Subject: I Opened Pandora's Box
The OP is not dramatic. You are just a bunch of nasty bitches with no conscience. And by nasty, I mean you sleep around on the regular. Nasty panties!

This is what it looks like when someone has a conscience. I know that is foreign to you that someone could actually realize that wrong is wrong and feel bad about it.