Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you, your family, your friends and the environment your child is in does it your child will eventually pick up on it and copy the behavior. Simple as that. You do not ever need to say "Larla, say please if you want something." or "Larla, I just gave this to you, say thank you." If you model it right, it just happens. If your kids don't say please and thank you it's not time to teach them, it's time to check on yourself, your partner and the people your child is regularly in contact with. Especially caretakers also.

How naive and condescending. I agree that modeling is most important, but kids pick it up that much more quickly if they are prompted and taught explicitly. I encourage and remind them when necessary because good manners are a habit and I want them to pick that habit up as early as possible.

Different poster here. I believe it is both setting an example AND teaching - in other words, parenting! You can sign your kid up for all the classes in the world, but if s/he doesn't know the basics in life, s/he is screwed, you are doing them NO favors. The only thing I tell my kids when they visit other houses (which they do often) is to "remember their pleases and thank yous". The rest follows.

Anonymous wrote:If you, your family, your friends and the environment your child is in does it your child will eventually pick up on it and copy the behavior. Simple as that. You do not ever need to say "Larla, say please if you want something." or "Larla, I just gave this to you, say thank you." If you model it right, it just happens. If your kids don't say please and thank you it's not time to teach them, it's time to check on yourself, your partner and the people your child is regularly in contact with. Especially caretakers also.

How naive and condescending. I agree that modeling is most important, but kids pick it up that much more quickly if they are prompted and taught explicitly. I encourage and remind them when necessary because good manners are a habit and I want them to pick that habit up as early as possible.

If you, your family, your friends and the environment your child is in does it your child will eventually pick up on it and copy the behavior. Simple as that. You do not ever need to say "Larla, say please if you want something." or "Larla, I just gave this to you, say thank you." If you model it right, it just happens. If your kids don't say please and thank you it's not time to teach them, it's time to check on yourself, your partner and the people your child is regularly in contact with. Especially caretakers also.

Anonymous wrote:I actually get the authoritative argument about not making them say please and thank you and this is from the "May I please have" poster. We have our kids always asking nicely now not by making them but by the response they get from us when they ask in different ways. They have simply learned that if they ask the wrong way, people are less likely to respond positively and when they ask, "May I please have," the response is more positive -- even when the answer is still no. I was forced to say please and thank you as a kid and it made me not want to say it -- same with sorry. You want your kid to want to say these things.

Actually I don't particularly care if my kid wants to be polite or not, I just care that she is polite. There have been plenty of times when I did not want to say something polite and friendly to someone who was driving me absolutely mad, but I sucked it up and did it anyway because that is what civilized people do.

I mean sure it would be nice if they eventually realized that being polite was a good thing and started wanting to do it for its own merits, but (1) I think that's too much to expect from young kids and therefore I embrace a 'fake it until they make it' philosophy, and (2) even if they never want to they still have to anyway, so wanting to or not doesn't particularly matter.

Only using manners when you decide you want to do so is ridiculous -- I'm not teaching that sort of self-centered nonsense to my kid.

Doh, I just quoted very old post.

Anonymous wrote:I actually get the authoritative argument about not making them say please and thank you and this is from the "May I please have" poster. We have our kids always asking nicely now not by making them but by the response they get from us when they ask in different ways. They have simply learned that if they ask the wrong way, people are less likely to respond positively and when they ask, "May I please have," the response is more positive -- even when the answer is still no. I was forced to say please and thank you as a kid and it made me not want to say it -- same with sorry. You want your kid to want to say these things.

But before all this happens, you have to prompt your kid to say "please." It takes a long time for some kids. If your kid demands a cup of water, and you just stand there staring at him, how's he going to know what you want him to say? So, for many many months you prompt your kid by saying "say please." At age two, I still have to remind my son to say please (or remind him to have good manners). What am I going to do next time he says "Mommy! I need water!!" in a demanding voice? Would you consider it too authoritarian for me to tell him "you need to ask nicely and say please?"

I also taught signs and got thank you pretty early on, like definitely by a year. He was saying it consistently, plus please and no thank you, by 2.

Based on what I've observed I would say kids can use please and thank you when appropriate with possibly frequent prompting sometime around age 2.

Reasonably consistently between ages 3 and 4.

I think most 4 year olds/preschoolers should have mastered those two basics of etiquette.

I know this is an old thread, but just want to say that I've had great success if instead of where the adult normally says "yes" or "no," I say "yes-please" and "no-thank you."

Because they model what you say.

Example of typical way:
Parent: "Larla, do you want a piece of toast? Yes or no?"
Larla: "Yes."
Parent: "Yes, what?…What do you say?.." etc

versus:

"Larla, do you want a piece of toast? Yes-please or no-thank you?"
Larla: "Yes-please."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found that please and thank you were early, like age 2-3. Very consistent until about kindergarten, then lots of forgetting. The requests were polite enough (not demanding, appropriate tone), but needed lots of reminders to add the please or thank you.

This is us except we started seen slipping between first and second grade. It got better again by fourth.

PP here. Same for us about it getting better. Also, I find that now that my kids are older, they say thank you for way more things - like planning things, giving them rides places, letting them join activities. Appreciation gets more real, I guess.

+3

Funny, I googled what age to expect your child to say "thank you", and found this. My daughter is 16 months and responding intellegently with "please, and thank you". Maybe I have a little genius on my hands! Thanks for the answers, people.

DC started saying Please and Thank you at a little under 2 yrs. Since 2 yrs has been saying "May I be excused please" before leaving the dinner table. Now at 3yrs needs no reminders. I'm sure this will change as DC gets older and is less eager to please the parents but we will continue to remind her.

My 1 year old says it but I don't expect it at this young age, she just copies us.

Whenever the child is verbal enough. I dont think age matters as much as relative outspokenness.

Yep, right off the bat. At 3 he is expected to say it without prompting. I don't respond toe "I NEED X" whines.