Anonymous wrote:E. Figure out why and if there's something that can be done.

Has wife said outright "No more sex"?

In my case, from the outside you could say I'm withholding sex as we've probably done it less than a dozen times since DC was born. Reality is I'm tired and feel fat and ugly and unsexy. DH tries to initiate just as I'm dropping off to sleep. We love each other but he tends not to initiate other physical affection throughout the day unless he wants sex that night. Whereas, even if I don't want sex, I might grab his butt as I walk by or lean over and kiss whatever body part I can reach - cheek, arm, mouth - if I'm in proximity, simply to let him know that I do find him attractive and love him.

I'm having a feeling that he's at A right now. Can't prove it, but a hunch.

. Sadly you are probably right. Men are validated by sex
IMO you are not being a wife. You need to pick yourself up or don't complain if your DH strays...

E. Figure out why and if there's something that can be done.

Has wife said outright "No more sex"?

In my case, from the outside you could say I'm withholding sex as we've probably done it less than a dozen times since DC was born. Reality is I'm tired and feel fat and ugly and unsexy. DH tries to initiate just as I'm dropping off to sleep. We love each other but he tends not to initiate other physical affection throughout the day unless he wants sex that night. Whereas, even if I don't want sex, I might grab his butt as I walk by or lean over and kiss whatever body part I can reach - cheek, arm, mouth - if I'm in proximity, simply to let him know that I do find him attractive and love him.

I'm having a feeling that he's at A right now. Can't prove it, but a hunch.

Personally i see nothing wrong with open marriages so i'd give my spouse the chance to walk away, but i would be honest and tell them that i would be getting my sexual needs met elsewhere.

If the marriage and compatibility are fine except for the sexual part i see no reason for divorce.

Anonymous wrote:A DH here. Getting back to the woman who hijacked the thread, if he really is calling her those names and treating her with such disrespect, it sounds as though he is no longer attracted to her and doesn't want to have sex with her anyway. And my guess is that HE is staying together for the kids' sake, too. Once they are out of the house, he's gone. You would not believe how often that happens. A colleague at my work said after his parents dropped him off at college they drove back home and filed for divorce.

Heh. Reminds me of an old joke about this couple, both one hundred years old, who come to file for divorce. The lawyer asks: "Why haven't you done this sooner?" "We waited for the kids to die".

You all brought up a lot of good points. If MY husband ever do that again I will have the courage to do the C...life it too short to be stuck in a hole until the kids are 18-20 or why 50s when I can have my 40s?

C. An affair is not acceptable. I didn't get married to jerk off either (not that there isn't plenty of that anyway in even a good marriage), and waiting til the kids are older is stupid. Do you want your kids to be miserable during the best parts of their lives?

Nope- C- get divorced now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DH here. Getting back to the woman who hijacked the thread, if he really is calling her those names and treating her with such disrespect, it sounds as though he is no longer attracted to her and doesn't want to have sex with her anyway. And my guess is that HE is staying together for the kids' sake, too. Once they are out of the house, he's gone. You would not believe how often that happens. A colleague at my work said after his parents dropped him off at college they drove back home and filed for divorce.

It sucks because the child has not developed a social network at school, is in a new phase of their life, and wonders if their parent's entire marriage was a scam. Thanks mom and dad for doing this to me. You did no favors.

They did what they thought was best for you and presumably acted in good faith at least towards you. I assume you don't use it as an excuse for stupid/asshole behavior in the here and now.

Anonymous wrote:A DH here. Getting back to the woman who hijacked the thread, if he really is calling her those names and treating her with such disrespect, it sounds as though he is no longer attracted to her and doesn't want to have sex with her anyway. And my guess is that HE is staying together for the kids' sake, too. Once they are out of the house, he's gone. You would not believe how often that happens. A colleague at my work said after his parents dropped him off at college they drove back home and filed for divorce.

It sucks because the child has not developed a social network at school, is in a new phase of their life, and wonders if their parent's entire marriage was a scam. Thanks mom and dad for doing this to me. You did no favors.

Anonymous wrote:I would try counseling to figure out WTF is going on.

+1

If we are truly talking categorical refusal and not just low libido, exhaustion, bad timing, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

That is not worse for me, no way! What's worse for me is my dad not getting great sex 4-6 times per week. That just kills me to think about that.

This is not what your kids are thinking. They are thinking:

"Oh my god. How can my dad talk to my mom like that? That's horrible! What an asshole. Wait a minute. What a total floormat my mother is. What kind of woman lets her husband talk to her like that? Someone who actually must be stupid! Holy shit! He's right! She is stupid. Well, maybe that means he's right about other things. Like when he tells *me* I'm stupid and worthless. I must be stupid and worthless then. Crap. Why do I even bother trying? Fuck it. I'm just gonna stop trying at school. Who cares if I get Fs? Who cares if I go to college? Why don't I just fuck around and let my future tank because I'm so stupid and worthless? I must be since my dad, who is right about my mom, said so."

In your marriage, lady, it's not about the sex. It's about your letting your asshole husband treat you like shit in front of your kids. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

his divorce, your kids devastation, destruction of their home - is 50% YOUR FAULT. At least.

And now we have confirmation that you are not a childless nanny scouring DCUM but a dude. YOLO!

I'm 10:55. Sorry to confuse you but I'm a woman. But I can see that would be difficult for you to accept since we have nothing in common. For starters, I'm not a nasty dried up bitter old hag. Good luck to your (soon to be ex-)husband.

A DH here. Getting back to the woman who hijacked the thread, if he really is calling her those names and treating her with such disrespect, it sounds as though he is no longer attracted to her and doesn't want to have sex with her anyway. And my guess is that HE is staying together for the kids' sake, too. Once they are out of the house, he's gone. You would not believe how often that happens. A colleague at my work said after his parents dropped him off at college they drove back home and filed for divorce.

I would get divorced now. Having my wife stop having sex would be like getting kicked in the balls - an ultimate rejection of my needs and hurting my self esteem as a man. It would also reduce the closeness I feel for her to the point that I might as well just say she is a roommate.

Anonymous wrote:

his divorce, your kids devastation, destruction of their home - is 50% YOUR FAULT. At least.

And now we have confirmation that you are not a childless nanny scouring DCUM but a dude. YOLO!

Ok, I'm the one who was being accused of being a childless nanny after telling the PP to get a divorce if her husband was so awful. I am NOT the 50% poster, nor the other ones that preceded him/her. My last comment is 10:01. Everyone after that who says the same thing is just of the same mind. It turns out, the PP whose husband is alternately an emotionally abusive, cruel, alcoholic asshole AND the person who helps provide a "cheery middle class" existence for her kids, sounds like a shrew who thinks she should be patted on the back for staying in a miserable marriage that is equally contributing to the terribleness of, and plenty of commenters can see that and called her on it.

his divorce, your kids devastation, destruction of their home - is 50% YOUR FAULT. At least.

And now we have confirmation that you are not a childless nanny scouring DCUM but a dude. YOLO!