Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 16:03     Subject: Re:s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Saw each other at the gym regularly. Started joking around. Became friends. Progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives.


Met him at his work place. Ditto on started joking around, became friends, and progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives. We also shared other things like our dreams in life and our hopes and fears. We wondered, how did we get here and is this all there is in life? Both of us were going through a mid-life crisis I think. I had recently lost my dad and his dad was in a nursing home recovering from a severe stroke.

At a place right now where I really regret what happened. He was married with young kids and his wife found out. I am still married with kids and my husband never knew. Caused a lot of damage for both of our families. Part of me did love him and anguished over him losing his family. We broke it off soon after his wife found out and I haven't spoken to him since.


Why do you stay married to your husband? How do you feel looking at him and knowing all the drama in the background?


I am still married because I love my husband and my children. I was at a difficult place and our relationship was strained before, during, and shortly after the affair. With the affair aside, I was able to refocus on fixing what was wrong with me and my marriage. It would hurt my husband to tell him now and the past is in the past. To stir up everything would just create drama.


If you tell him, he might leave. But how are you being fair to him if the minute the marriage was strained you went into the arms of another man?


Been married just over 20 years. That's a reasonable amount of time of our share of ups and downs. I think your perception of me bailing as soon as our marriage became strained is grossly ill informed and naive.

I think a better description of what happened is when tragedies hit families, problem areas are often magnified. I had a real difficult time after the death of my dad and felt disconnected from my DH because he didn't support me the way I needed at the time. I was hurt and became drawn to someone who showed me compassion. As the friendship grew and as the OM became flirtatious with me, I also began feeling desired again. I liked the attention the other man gave me. I was selfish and I should have stopped things before they got as far down the road as they did.


Well that makes it different, doesn't it. You forgot to mention the part about being a coward.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 16:01     Subject: Re:s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Saw each other at the gym regularly. Started joking around. Became friends. Progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives.


Met him at his work place. Ditto on started joking around, became friends, and progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives. We also shared other things like our dreams in life and our hopes and fears. We wondered, how did we get here and is this all there is in life? Both of us were going through a mid-life crisis I think. I had recently lost my dad and his dad was in a nursing home recovering from a severe stroke.

At a place right now where I really regret what happened. He was married with young kids and his wife found out. I am still married with kids and my husband never knew. Caused a lot of damage for both of our families. Part of me did love him and anguished over him losing his family. We broke it off soon after his wife found out and I haven't spoken to him since.


Why do you stay married to your husband? How do you feel looking at him and knowing all the drama in the background?


I am still married because I love my husband and my children. I was at a difficult place and our relationship was strained before, during, and shortly after the affair. With the affair aside, I was able to refocus on fixing what was wrong with me and my marriage. It would hurt my husband to tell him now and the past is in the past. To stir up everything would just create drama.


If you tell him, he might leave. But how are you being fair to him if the minute the marriage was strained you went into the arms of another man?


Been married just over 20 years. That's a reasonable amount of time of our share of ups and downs. I think your perception of me bailing as soon as our marriage became strained is grossly ill informed and naive.

I think a better description of what happened is when tragedies hit families, problem areas are often magnified. I had a real difficult time after the death of my dad and felt disconnected from my DH because he didn't support me the way I needed at the time. I was hurt and became drawn to someone who showed me compassion. As the friendship grew and as the OM became flirtatious with me, I also began feeling desired again. I liked the attention the other man gave me. I was selfish and I should have stopped things before they got as far down the road as they did.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 14:35     Subject: Re:s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Saw each other at the gym regularly. Started joking around. Became friends. Progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives.


Met him at his work place. Ditto on started joking around, became friends, and progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives. We also shared other things like our dreams in life and our hopes and fears. We wondered, how did we get here and is this all there is in life? Both of us were going through a mid-life crisis I think. I had recently lost my dad and his dad was in a nursing home recovering from a severe stroke.

At a place right now where I really regret what happened. He was married with young kids and his wife found out. I am still married with kids and my husband never knew. Caused a lot of damage for both of our families. Part of me did love him and anguished over him losing his family. We broke it off soon after his wife found out and I haven't spoken to him since.


Why do you stay married to your husband? How do you feel looking at him and knowing all the drama in the background?


I am still married because I love my husband and my children. I was at a difficult place and our relationship was strained before, during, and shortly after the affair. With the affair aside, I was able to refocus on fixing what was wrong with me and my marriage. It would hurt my husband to tell him now and the past is in the past. To stir up everything would just create drama.


If you tell him, he might leave. But how are you being fair to him if the minute the marriage was strained you went into the arms of another man?
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 13:44     Subject: Re:s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Saw each other at the gym regularly. Started joking around. Became friends. Progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives.


Met him at his work place. Ditto on started joking around, became friends, and progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives. We also shared other things like our dreams in life and our hopes and fears. We wondered, how did we get here and is this all there is in life? Both of us were going through a mid-life crisis I think. I had recently lost my dad and his dad was in a nursing home recovering from a severe stroke.

At a place right now where I really regret what happened. He was married with young kids and his wife found out. I am still married with kids and my husband never knew. Caused a lot of damage for both of our families. Part of me did love him and anguished over him losing his family. We broke it off soon after his wife found out and I haven't spoken to him since.


Why do you stay married to your husband? How do you feel looking at him and knowing all the drama in the background?


I am still married because I love my husband and my children. I was at a difficult place and our relationship was strained before, during, and shortly after the affair. With the affair aside, I was able to refocus on fixing what was wrong with me and my marriage. It would hurt my husband to tell him now and the past is in the past. To stir up everything would just create drama.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 12:16     Subject: Re:s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Saw each other at the gym regularly. Started joking around. Became friends. Progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives.


Met him at his work place. Ditto on started joking around, became friends, and progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives. We also shared other things like our dreams in life and our hopes and fears. We wondered, how did we get here and is this all there is in life? Both of us were going through a mid-life crisis I think. I had recently lost my dad and his dad was in a nursing home recovering from a severe stroke.

At a place right now where I really regret what happened. He was married with young kids and his wife found out. I am still married with kids and my husband never knew. Caused a lot of damage for both of our families. Part of me did love him and anguished over him losing his family. We broke it off soon after his wife found out and I haven't spoken to him since.


Why do you stay married to your husband? How do you feel looking at him and knowing all the drama in the background?
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 12:06     Subject: Re:s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:Saw each other at the gym regularly. Started joking around. Became friends. Progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives.


Met him at his work place. Ditto on started joking around, became friends, and progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives. We also shared other things like our dreams in life and our hopes and fears. We wondered, how did we get here and is this all there is in life? Both of us were going through a mid-life crisis I think. I had recently lost my dad and his dad was in a nursing home recovering from a severe stroke.

At a place right now where I really regret what happened. He was married with young kids and his wife found out. I am still married with kids and my husband never knew. Caused a lot of damage for both of our families. Part of me did love him and anguished over him losing his family. We broke it off soon after his wife found out and I haven't spoken to him since.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 08:51     Subject: s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:Wonder if my husband worried about this. He seemed primarily concerned with appearances and the shame if his parents found out. Pathetic for a 45 year old man. And yes of course my lover was leagues better in bed.


You don't seem to like him much as a person, either.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 08:49     Subject: Re:s/o how did your affair at work start
Saw each other at the gym regularly. Started joking around. Became friends. Progressed to talking about how each of us was unhappy with our sex lives.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2012 08:45     Subject: s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:My affair at work started because I am totally unsatisfied sexually with DH. He is my best friend. We've been best friends for 15 years and there is nothing on this planet that will make me enjoy sex with him. I thought I could work it out, but it is just not happening. I will never leave him, ever. I have had a number of discreet flings over the years and he does not know. I will likely continue to do so. Yes, I am a horrible person. I've always been incredibly careful at choosing my partners so that I can keep my secret.

It is so easy to get things started at work, for a woman, that is. Once I have my target, I make sure to look attractive most days, lean over their desks often in an innocent way that puts cleavage out there, lots of leg crossing and re-crossing, hair up and then down, and up again and the clincher is usually maintaining eye contact for about 3-5 minutes longer than appropriate. Once that's been going down for a few days, or weeks if I feel like it, part 2 is all about inside jokes, telling "secrets" and getting the person to feel like w confidante. I have had great success without even adding any alcohol/happy hours/travel.


Wow. I hope you're not the one teaching your children about integrity. You sound very manipulative and I feel terrible for your children.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2012 23:23     Subject: s/o how did your affair at work start
My affair at work started because I am totally unsatisfied sexually with DH. He is my best friend. We've been best friends for 15 years and there is nothing on this planet that will make me enjoy sex with him. I thought I could work it out, but it is just not happening. I will never leave him, ever. I have had a number of discreet flings over the years and he does not know. I will likely continue to do so. Yes, I am a horrible person. I've always been incredibly careful at choosing my partners so that I can keep my secret.

It is so easy to get things started at work, for a woman, that is. Once I have my target, I make sure to look attractive most days, lean over their desks often in an innocent way that puts cleavage out there, lots of leg crossing and re-crossing, hair up and then down, and up again and the clincher is usually maintaining eye contact for about 3-5 minutes longer than appropriate. Once that's been going down for a few days, or weeks if I feel like it, part 2 is all about inside jokes, telling "secrets" and getting the person to feel like w confidante. I have had great success without even adding any alcohol/happy hours/travel.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2012 10:10     Subject: s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:PP, my DH finally woke up and realized that he needed to also look at me as if we were dating, not just a mom and launderer. He told me to buy whatever clothes I wanted so that when we go out to eat, I am dazzling. Now I am average looking, but can be very attractive if I put some time into it.

He stepped it up and really got into the whole date thing - holding hands, kissing me when I least expect it. A marriage does not have to go stale.


I agree, but he has to want to do that. I don't need new clothes and dazzle. I already do all that. I take great care of myself in that way. But he has to WANT to do date nights etc. It can't just be me pushing for it all the time. We've been working on things, in counseling, etc. for months but change is slow. I'm giving it to the end of the year and then will reassess whether or not this is worth saving. I am still young enough to move on, even have another child with someone. It is classic "walk away wife syndrome" but he is the one who had the affair and has one foot out the door. I've been working like hell and I only have so much more in me.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2012 10:09     Subject: s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH - same story. Already friends, close coworkers that liked to go out drinking. One woman having marriage issues, started drunkenly talking to my husband. They bonded over this intimate conversation, left the group for a drink on their own, he invited her up to his room to chat more, both totally drunk, ended up having sex.

It really is quite shocking how easily this can happen. Read "not just friends" for info on boundaries - once you start to cross a few, especially combined with alcohol, it is a slippery slope straight into the hotel bed.


This is what worries me about my DH, who often travels. He is not the type of guy who is going to go into a bar and pick up a woman. But he is very likeable and I can just see some a co-worker pouring her heart out while he listens attentively.


I'm the PP you responded to and your DH sounds similar to mine. I never worried about him traveling because he's never a single time in his life randomly picked someone up - he's just not that type of guy. But he's very nice and likes to chat and be friendly. I think he truly felt bad for this woman too. All that led to very fast intimate feelings - they really opened up to each other quickly fueled by the drinking, their being out of town, also that I don't think either one sought out to cheat so they felt released and unguarded.

Talk to him about boundaries and make sure he understands how quicklyintimacycan develop unexpectedly.


But that's the irony in the whole thing. My husband is very easy to talk to, which is what attracted me in the first place. I felt when we met that he had known me forever. So for both of us, the kinds of qualities that we were looking for are exactly what a needy woman is going to lap up.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2012 10:06     Subject: s/o how did your affair at work start
PP, my DH finally woke up and realized that he needed to also look at me as if we were dating, not just a mom and launderer. He told me to buy whatever clothes I wanted so that when we go out to eat, I am dazzling. Now I am average looking, but can be very attractive if I put some time into it.

He stepped it up and really got into the whole date thing - holding hands, kissing me when I least expect it. A marriage does not have to go stale.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2012 09:58     Subject: s/o how did your affair at work start
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH - same story. Already friends, close coworkers that liked to go out drinking. One woman having marriage issues, started drunkenly talking to my husband. They bonded over this intimate conversation, left the group for a drink on their own, he invited her up to his room to chat more, both totally drunk, ended up having sex.

It really is quite shocking how easily this can happen. Read "not just friends" for info on boundaries - once you start to cross a few, especially combined with alcohol, it is a slippery slope straight into the hotel bed.


The reality is that many times, a woman just wants someone who will listen to her. When a man offers that, it is off to the races.


Not just listen, but make her feel attractive. My H views me as a bank, maid and childcare provider. We haven't been emotionally intimate in years.


I can so relate. I stopped feeling special to my husband years ago. And not special as in need-to-be-catered-to-and-put-on-a-pedastal, but just respected really. He would never take my advice, he would criticize everything I did, and if I suggested something, a book, a movie, an activity, whatever, he would scoff at it, until another friend suggested the same thing than he'd think it was a fine idea. That hurt the most, just feeling not respected at all. Like my ideas or thoughts just didn't matter.

I'm realizing now that I'd rather be alone than in a marriage like this. We are trying to work on things but divorce doesn't scare me now like it used to. He is a good guy, but I'm just not sure he will ever see me as anything other than a mom. I have flaws, many, but I think I could make a good wife to someone. Other people seem to find me attractive, interesting, funny, smart, etc. Just not my husband.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2012 09:54     Subject: s/o how did your affair at work start
Well I didn't work in an office and I was single but he was married with 2 kids and he just flirted, heavily. He was very handsome, dark haired, mysterious, not very friendly, some would even say he was a dick. And 20 years older than me (I was 25 and insecure) so when he picked me to talk to and compliment, I was floored.

It was brief and we never consumated it but we made out a few times.