Anonymous
07/20/2012 12:45
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
I am Catholic and I would not go either. I think it would be sending the wrong message to your MIL that this is something you are "open to."
Anonymous
07/20/2012 12:42
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Anonymous wrote:Actually, our lifestyle is not confusing to DS at all. MIL is not an immediate member of this family, so that's irrelevant. DH is very supportive of DS going to Hebrew school and celebrating the holidays as a family, with friends etc. He just doesn't pray and does not identify as Jewish.
Judaism isn't only a religion, it's my history & culture. It's about carrying on the tradition out of respect for my holcaust surviving grandparents.
Christians like to recrute and MIL is no different. We have a good relationship but will never agree on this, since she will always think her way of worshipping is right, as that's what she has been trained to believe.
I dont have a problem exposing DS to different cultures and religions, it's about MIL deciding since we came once, she can get DS to go regularly and that it would be ok for him to identify as Christian.
I do not find your lifestyle confusing just the first post. This make things more clear. Here is the deal - you are the most important influence in your childs life. Your MIL is not going to have any significant impact on the way your child identifies either culturally or religiously.
I am Catholic and I am very liberal. The extremely conservative views of my mother have no bearing on my child one way or another. Actually hearing them and having me voice my own views respectfully provides my children a role model for being your own person.
I just say that is not what I believe and you can decide when you are an adult. If they go to Hebrew school they will meet conservative Jews as well and they will still be able to say - that is your identity and this is mine.
Your MIL will never take your kids to church without your permission because you won't let her. You may go this first time and say - "Bleh - not for me." Or you may say "Wow - nice music - we could do this once in a while."
I also, BTW, support your decision just to not go.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 12:39
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
My mom, who is Jewish, used to go to the occasional Greek Orthodox church service with my grandmother. It was important to her, therefore important to my dad. I would probably go a few times.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 12:35
Subject: Re:I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am not sure what "the wrong message" would be.
I would because I want my children to be friends with all people regardless of their religious beliefs. I want them to love and respect others no matter what religious ceremonies they attend.
I am Catholic and we live in MoCo so eventually they will go to a Bar Mitzva.
To me that send the correct message not the wrong message.
You missed the point. The wrong message is to the MIL, in letting her think she's going to be taking the child to church on a regular basis. I'm Jewish too OP and also in an interfaith marriage. (No need to engage the poster who doesn't understand why a cultural but non-practicing Jew would feel uncomfortable in an evangelical church.). I would take the child for a special occasion, like a Christmas pageant or baptism, and make it clear to MIL that this is a visit only, and it's a one time deal. Although if your DH doesn't want to go I probably wouldn't bother. Just let him explain it to her.
I get it. As a Catholic, I have no desire to speak in tongues either.
However, you must admit that this "level" of Jewishness isn't accepted by many others, right? I have friends who would have been disowned had they not found Jewish spouses. Furthermore, those held in the highest esteem also keep kosher - going so far as to have two dishwashers!
So I am no idiot when it comes to the Jewish faith, as I have plenty of friends - Conservative and Reform. (Orthodox - well a different story altogether)
It doesn't appear as though OP is keeping kosher, and I doubt she's walking around in a sheitel. So if she accompanies her son to MIL's church, big deal. I do think, however, that in the long run religion won't play much of a role in her son's life. big deal . . .
Anonymous
07/20/2012 12:28
Subject: Re:I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Anonymous wrote:Mu DH is Jewish and I am Christian, although neither of us is very religious anymore. However, both sets of parents are religious and are active members of their religious congregations (sit on the board, sing in choir, etc.) We have both gone to our spouses' parent's services since we started dating. I go to the High Holiday services with his parents, he goes to candlelit service on Christmas eve with my family. I really think you are thinking about this problem with your mother-in-law in the wrong way. You are "willing" to go once under protest as long as the kid is young enough not to remember? Why do you feel like exposing him to other traditions is such a threat? We explain to our kids that people have lots of different traditions/beliefs that are special to them and when something is special to somebody you love then you take an interest in it and share it with them in the way you can even if you don't share their belief. Now, neither of our families are on the fundamentalist side of our respective religions and I can see how your situation might be complicated by the extreme nature of your IL's religion, but I would see if you can go with her not just once but for special occasions, show her that you respect her beliefs even if you don't share them, you appreciate the music she loves so much, etc. None of this will turn your kid Christian, but it will make him understand the world a little better and his grandmother a lot more.
Also in an interfaith marriage, and couldn't agree more. Exposing DC to more than one tradition is enriching and liberating, not more confusing that explaining that parents went to different universities/ cities and therefore support different sports teams. This of course won't work for religious people who believe A is right for DS and B is wrong, but presumably those don't intermarry.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 12:23
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Anonymous wrote:Actually, our lifestyle is not confusing to DS at all. MIL is not an immediate member of this family, so that's irrelevant. DH is very supportive of DS going to Hebrew school and celebrating the holidays as a family, with friends etc. He just doesn't pray and does not identify as Jewish.
Judaism isn't only a religion, it's my history & culture. It's about carrying on the tradition out of respect for my holcaust surviving grandparents.
Christians like to recrute and MIL is no different. We have a good relationship but will never agree on this, since she will always think her way of worshipping is right, as that's what she has been trained to believe.
I dont have a problem exposing DS to different cultures and religions, it's about MIL deciding since we came once, she can get DS to go regularly and that it would be ok for him to identify as Christian.
So if he doesn't pray and identify as Jewish, why are you so concerned? Honestly, from the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like being Jewish is really important to you, so I would let him go.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 12:11
Subject: Re:I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am not sure what "the wrong message" would be.
I would because I want my children to be friends with all people regardless of their religious beliefs. I want them to love and respect others no matter what religious ceremonies they attend.
I am Catholic and we live in MoCo so eventually they will go to a Bar Mitzva.
To me that send the correct message not the wrong message.
You missed the point. The wrong message is to the MIL, in letting her think she's going to be taking the child to church on a regular basis. I'm Jewish too OP and also in an interfaith marriage. (No need to engage the poster who doesn't understand why a cultural but non-practicing Jew would feel uncomfortable in an evangelical church.). I would take the child for a special occasion, like a Christmas pageant or baptism, and make it clear to MIL that this is a visit only, and it's a one time deal. Although if your DH doesn't want to go I probably wouldn't bother. Just let him explain it to her.
I repeat - I live in MoCo so this concept " cultural but non-practicing Jew" - is not foreign to me. Also intolerance of other religions is not foreign to me either but one I still struggle to understand.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 11:12
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Actually, our lifestyle is not confusing to DS at all. MIL is not an immediate member of this family, so that's irrelevant. DH is very supportive of DS going to Hebrew school and celebrating the holidays as a family, with friends etc. He just doesn't pray and does not identify as Jewish.
Judaism isn't only a religion, it's my history & culture. It's about carrying on the tradition out of respect for my holcaust surviving grandparents.
Christians like to recrute and MIL is no different. We have a good relationship but will never agree on this, since she will always think her way of worshipping is right, as that's what she has been trained to believe.
I dont have a problem exposing DS to different cultures and religions, it's about MIL deciding since we came once, she can get DS to go regularly and that it would be ok for him to identify as Christian.
Judaism isn't only a religion, it's my history & culture. It's about carrying on the tradition out of respect for my holcaust surviving grandparents.
Christians like to recrute and MIL is no different. We have a good relationship but will never agree on this, since she will always think her way of worshipping is right, as that's what she has been trained to believe.
I dont have a problem exposing DS to different cultures and religions, it's about MIL deciding since we came once, she can get DS to go regularly and that it would be ok for him to identify as Christian.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 10:21
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Anonymous wrote:I'd go, I'm Jewish DH is not. His father sang in the choir and we took dd to hear him. We explained that her grandparents go to church and we got to temple and theyre both nice places to be. Keep it simple, it's only a big deal and confusing if you let it be.
+1
Don't worry about it, it's just a social thing and will make her feel better. (I am an atheist).
Anonymous
07/20/2012 10:12
Subject: Re:I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am not sure what "the wrong message" would be.
I would because I want my children to be friends with all people regardless of their religious beliefs. I want them to love and respect others no matter what religious ceremonies they attend.
I am Catholic and we live in MoCo so eventually they will go to a Bar Mitzva.
To me that send the correct message not the wrong message.
You missed the point. The wrong message is to the MIL, in letting her think she's going to be taking the child to church on a regular basis. I'm Jewish too OP and also in an interfaith marriage. (No need to engage the poster who doesn't understand why a cultural but non-practicing Jew would feel uncomfortable in an evangelical church.). I would take the child for a special occasion, like a Christmas pageant or baptism, and make it clear to MIL that this is a visit only, and it's a one time deal. Although if your DH doesn't want to go I probably wouldn't bother. Just let him explain it to her.
I think you missed the point PP, her MIL lives in the south, so it can't be a regular thing.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 10:02
Subject: Re:I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
Anonymous wrote:I am not sure what "the wrong message" would be.
I would because I want my children to be friends with all people regardless of their religious beliefs. I want them to love and respect others no matter what religious ceremonies they attend.
I am Catholic and we live in MoCo so eventually they will go to a Bar Mitzva.
To me that send the correct message not the wrong message.
You missed the point. The wrong message is to the MIL, in letting her think she's going to be taking the child to church on a regular basis. I'm Jewish too OP and also in an interfaith marriage. (No need to engage the poster who doesn't understand why a cultural but non-practicing Jew would feel uncomfortable in an evangelical church.). I would take the child for a special occasion, like a Christmas pageant or baptism, and make it clear to MIL that this is a visit only, and it's a one time deal. Although if your DH doesn't want to go I probably wouldn't bother. Just let him explain it to her.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 09:47
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
and "they" suffer through it, I meant!
Anonymous
07/20/2012 09:47
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
OP, I have Southern Baptist relatives. My family belongs to a moderate Protestant denomination. We always attended church with my grandparents, and it offended me to hear much of what was said.
It is highly, highly likely that the sermon will include some statement that those who do not believe are going to hell. Do you want your son to be somewhere where it will be said that he or his mother will be going to hell? That anyone who doesn't believe the way they do is wrong? Note too that if you ever send your child to the children's programming during the service, it is also at least greater than a 50-50 chance that your son will be asked to accept Jesus into his heart. I still have memories of that uncomfortable experience from when I attended vacation Bible school at my grandparents' church at the ripe old age of FOUR.
For the sake of your relationship with your ILs, I would go once and suffer through it and take your ILs to synagogue once and then suffer through it and then never go again. Unless, of course, your DH feels strongly about never going to his parents' church, at which point, you should not go AND he should be the sole voice explaining your collective non-attendance to his parents.
It is highly, highly likely that the sermon will include some statement that those who do not believe are going to hell. Do you want your son to be somewhere where it will be said that he or his mother will be going to hell? That anyone who doesn't believe the way they do is wrong? Note too that if you ever send your child to the children's programming during the service, it is also at least greater than a 50-50 chance that your son will be asked to accept Jesus into his heart. I still have memories of that uncomfortable experience from when I attended vacation Bible school at my grandparents' church at the ripe old age of FOUR.
For the sake of your relationship with your ILs, I would go once and suffer through it and take your ILs to synagogue once and then suffer through it and then never go again. Unless, of course, your DH feels strongly about never going to his parents' church, at which point, you should not go AND he should be the sole voice explaining your collective non-attendance to his parents.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 09:27
Subject: I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
I think its lovely to expose your kids to different religions, and you can do this while still reinforcing the fact that your family is Jewish. I would probably share PP's concern about more "fundamentalist" services where they might lambast people of other faiths or beliefs and might have some hesitation about exposing an older child to that. But for most services, I would have no problem taking my kids on an infrequent basis, and becoming familiar with grandma's religion.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 09:17
Subject: Re:I'm Jewish, DH is not. Would going to Church with MIL send the wrong message?
of course you should go. pray or meditate during the prayer time.