Anonymous wrote:I have a male friend who has done this (not automatically paid on the first date) and he just doesn't know that it's better to pay. I had to explain that to him, and he's been better about it.

I'm extremely independent - paid for my own college, own my own home, and I'm great about paying on dates. But I tend to let the guy pay on the first date because it seems to be the norm and some guys feel weird if you don't let them pay. (I'll generally pick up the after-dinner drinks or pay for dinner on the 3rd date.) I do always offer, though, and 99% of guys will not let me pay.

Do you grow your own food? Make your own clothes? Survive comfortably without electricity? If so, the congrats. I believe you. If not, then you aren't really as independent as you think, and you should really stop wearing that slogan as a badge of honor. That's probably why you are still dating around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

How did you meet? Was this Match.com? If so, perfectly appropriate to split first date, no matter income levels. Second date, of course, if he asks, he pays.

This is why I hate Match.com. Some people are out there splitting checks because they are dating (or interviewing more like) 50 people at once. All these people are out there looking for the "perfect" person. Too many choices throws off the natural order of things. How can you have chemistry when it's akin to a job interview.

In yuppieland, dating is a job interview.

I have a male friend who has done this (not automatically paid on the first date) and he just doesn't know that it's better to pay. I had to explain that to him, and he's been better about it.

I'm extremely independent - paid for my own college, own my own home, and I'm great about paying on dates. But I tend to let the guy pay on the first date because it seems to be the norm and some guys feel weird if you don't let them pay. (I'll generally pick up the after-dinner drinks or pay for dinner on the 3rd date.) I do always offer, though, and 99% of guys will not let me pay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

Oh. heck. no. I would have been willing to cut the guy some slack if he has been (as some of the pps have mentioned) a poor college student or entry level/first job at a non-profit saving the environment or abused children or whatever. But a Biglaw guy both makes decent money and is sophisticated enough to understand how to impress someone. (Not that other people aren't sophisticated too, just that to make partner you have to attract clients. To attract clients, you have to know how to make a good impression. It's just a safe bet this particular guy has some pretty good people skills in order to make it where he is career-wise.) Anyway, I can assure you that if this guy was over the moon for you he would have picked up the tab. This is the dating stage where the people who like each other try to make a positive impression. Even if he is totally enlightened and egalitarian, his people skills are good enough for him to know that many women might interpret not paying the check as cheap. He doesn't know you well enough to know if you will or won't think that, so why is he taking the chance?

+1

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

I'd definitely take it as a sign he's going on dates with a bunch of different people and not really that interested.

I didn't read into that at all.

Anonymous wrote:If I invite my girlfriend for a coffee I pay. If she invites she pays. When DH and I invite another couple we pay. I guess that makes all of us a bunch of whores.

Well, yes. Yes, it does. At least according to a PP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

As an old, well paid timekeeper, he should know that time is money. No second date for him!

Turnoff.

Anonymous wrote:I usually make the effort to pay on the first date and it is usually turned down. Went out with someone who let me split. Otherwise I liked him, but it was a turnoff. Is it a red flag?

As a guy, I am turned off by you being turned off because I took you up on your offer to split. My rule of thumb is that if I ask you out, I pay on the first date. In fact, I recently went out with a single mom and offered to pay for the babysitter. I told her that it should not be totally her responsibility. It can be an awkward situation in this day and age and what I like is the woman helping out on subsequent dates. For example, we go to a movie, I pay for the tickets and she offers to cover the snacks or we get a coffee afterwards and she says, my treat.

OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

I'd definitely take it as a sign he's going on dates with a bunch of different people and not really that interested.

I can't remember a first date where the man did not insist on paying, even though I always offer. I thought it was part of trying to impress the woman, somehow saying 'I'm the man, I can take care of you'. I know this sounds slightly caveman, but it is what it is. So, either he doesn't care too much about impressing you, or he thinks that money is not part of making the impression. What would bother me more is his sentence: that he always prefers to split on first date. It's like I'm still not worthy enough of having my part of the dinner covered, or haven't been elevated to a worthy investment of 50-100 dollars that I may have consumed. I feel that it is particularly true if he chose the dining location.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

Oh. heck. no. I would have been willing to cut the guy some slack if he has been (as some of the pps have mentioned) a poor college student or entry level/first job at a non-profit saving the environment or abused children or whatever. But a Biglaw guy both makes decent money and is sophisticated enough to understand how to impress someone. (Not that other people aren't sophisticated too, just that to make partner you have to attract clients. To attract clients, you have to know how to make a good impression. It's just a safe bet this particular guy has some pretty good people skills in order to make it where he is career-wise.) Anyway, I can assure you that if this guy was over the moon for you he would have picked up the tab. This is the dating stage where the people who like each other try to make a positive impression. Even if he is totally enlightened and egalitarian, his people skills are good enough for him to know that many women might interpret not paying the check as cheap. He doesn't know you well enough to know if you will or won't think that, so why is he taking the chance?

Guy paying made more sense when the male was the primary provider.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

I agree that it was kind of tacky but I wouldn't rule out a second date just because of it - especially if you felt like there was any chemistry.

I'm big on good manners but I am somewhat uncomfortable with a guy paying for drinks/dinner on a first date, especially if it's a really expensive place. I grew up very poor and this was very difficult for a lot of guys. Now, I know this guy is Big Law but I'm still uncomfortable with it because I don't want to feel like I owe anyone anything. If there are subsequent dates, I don't mind so much because there's a mutual attraction and I know him better. I also don't mind treating him to things. Weird, I know.

Anonymous wrote:If I invite my girlfriend for a coffee I pay. If she invites she pays. When DH and I invite another couple we pay. I guess that makes all of us a bunch of whores.

Only if you share your girlfriend with your DH.