Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

From your second post, it doesn't seem like you are very sensitive to this young woman's feelings. If this is truly where you are coming from, it might be better not to contact her right now.

I agree with the PP. Having money and a fancy college degree does not take away the hurt of being rejected by your birth mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

Sounds like you are still messed up if you can't understand that a degree from a good university, nice clothes, and a privileged upbringing can't undo the fact tht yes, the mother that gave her life didn't want her. Yes, intellectually she might understand. But she is human and your rejection, not once but twice, might still sting her degree from a "gorgeous university" notwithstanding. I think you did her a favor by not burdening her with your bs when she tried to contact you, and you should stay the hell away from her. You as a fantasy sounds more healthy to her than you as a reality.

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

Anonymous wrote:My best friend was adopted and when she tried to contact through the agency (still not public in those years) she was denied by both sides. Later the father called with some health info. The mother provided none.

When records were unsealed legally she tried again with both sides and while the father again provided more info, the mother honestly was brutal. Out of the blue, after writing a tentative, kind 'I've had a great life' letter, a lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to my friend and it was horrible. The language was basically "had we known the laws changed we would have made this clearer for you. You have caused a lot of hurt in contacting us...etc " (the nerve!)


Anyway, my point is, even to this day, though she has closed that chapter, my friend would gladly have contact and it would mean the world if she could have that from the birth parents. She has great self-esteem and was raised by a loving, fun wealthy family and yet still feels like these people would rather she doesn't exist. She often wonders why they had her (though she's thankful they did). In this day and age, it's just hard for her to understand why she is such a secret. It's not the 1920s anymore. babies are born out of wedlock. big deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.

I think this is an excellent idea.

Another one who thinks this is a great idea. I'm also adopted and your lack of sensitivity to wanting to invite her to look at photos of your happy family is grossly insensitive. She did the right thing when she reached out to you years ago and respected your wishes. You need to show her the same courtesy and give her the space she needs to decide if she wants to be involved with you now. Don't do it through Facebook -- geez, it's like they say: you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Anonymous wrote:My best friend was adopted and when she tried to contact through the agency (still not public in those years) she was denied by both sides. Later the father called with some health info. The mother provided none.

When records were unsealed legally she tried again with both sides and while the father again provided more info, the mother honestly was brutal. Out of the blue, after writing a tentative, kind 'I've had a great life' letter, a lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to my friend and it was horrible. The language was basically "had we known the laws changed we would have made this clearer for you. You have caused a lot of hurt in contacting us...etc " (the nerve!)


Anyway, my point is, even to this day, though she has closed that chapter, my friend would gladly have contact and it would mean the world if she could have that from the birth parents. She has great self-esteem and was raised by a loving, fun wealthy family and yet still feels like these people would rather she doesn't exist. She often wonders why they had her (though she's thankful they did). In this day and age, it's just hard for her to understand why she is such a secret. It's not the 1920s anymore. babies are born out of wedlock. big deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.

I think this is an excellent idea.

Anonymous wrote:Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.

Anonymous wrote:Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.

Anonymous wrote:

thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

From your second post, it doesn't seem like you are very sensitive to this young woman's feelings. If this is truly where you are coming from, it might be better not to contact her right now.