Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is the appropriate response?

How about something like, "That sounds hard." A little sympathy, and acknowledgement, instead of trying to "fix" the situation with dumb "advice."

+1000

Anonymous wrote:So what is the appropriate response?

How about something like, "That sounds hard." A little sympathy, and acknowledgement, instead of trying to "fix" the situation with dumb "advice."

I agree with the earlier PP who said assume noble intent. I have an SN kid who used to throw massive tantrums all the time, in public, at my older kid's school, and i would get looks and suggestions and i don't know what else. My personal belief is that people get very uncomfortable with kids with issues, tragic situations, etc. Maybe these things scare them. Hell, if someone had told me my kid would struggle the way she has, I would have been scared shitless. So maybe they just blurt these things out from pure discomfort and fear. Either way, who cares what other people say? They don't understand. People who haven't walked in your shoes don't get it.

So what is the appropriate response?

Anonymous wrote:OP: you might be able to minimize such thoughtless comments if you stop opening up the conversation to begin with. Why lament the struggles your child is having to people on the playground? I bet the woman was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. Would it have been better if she had simply said " I'm sorry?". Lots of parents I know hate it when people say that...they don't want pity.

I didn't. If you read my posts, you would see that I was lamenting to a co-worker (and casual friend) about the playground. It can be awkward when a mom who clearly has angst spills it to perfect strangers, and they get a bit more leeway (but still not off the hook entirely for some of these atrocious comments), but I didn't do that.

OP, I'm sorry you're having to endure this idiotic optimism when you're so worried.

My favorite: "God doesn't give you more than your can handle" when I was diagnosed with an often-deadly cancer as a single parent when my child was 7. And that was from a doctor. I told her I was an atheist, and that shut her up pretty quickly.

OP: you might be able to minimize such thoughtless comments if you stop opening up the conversation to begin with. Why lament the struggles your child is having to people on the playground? I bet the woman was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. Would it have been better if she had simply said " I'm sorry?". Lots of parents I know hate it when people say that...they don't want pity.

Anonymous wrote:Most of these are breath-takingly awful (OP here). They make mine seem tame And to the pps who have nicely pointed out that many people who say these awkward things don't know what else to say, or that they have good intent underneath it all: I agree, to a point. There are some things that most people with common sense just know you should steer clear of. As one pp mentioned, any kind of illness, delay that is obviously causing angst to the parent, anything with procreation, and especially death-these things should just be off limits. PP whose child died, I am so so sorry for your loss, and doubly sorry that you had to endure crap from people who just should KNOW BETTER. As I stated in my original post, a simple "I'm sorry, I feel for you" or something similar is just better all around.

In my case this morning, it's not like the person didn't know my situation with my DD, I had just finished telling her how discouraged I am today after a lovely weekend spent at parks with my DD...carrying her everywhere while children her age tore down slides, ran for the sandbox, and galloped to the swings. When she came back at me with the whole "well, you should just be happy your DD isn't walking, it's less work for you", it just struck me as almost willfully obtuse and in-your-face cheery. Is her situation the worst ever? No, of course not, and I count my blessings often. But it was getting me down at that moment, and it would have just been nice to hear some commiseration, or sympathy if that wasn't available.

The best part...she saw me later today, and exclaimed: "oh, I thought of something-have you ever stood right in front of her and held out a cookie and told her to come get it? I found with my kids if I just expected them do it, they would!".

Seriously? Seriously.

OMG, that is so terrible. I actually had a perfectly fine late-walker (walked at 17.5 months on his own, no issues) and that would have brought out the worst in me! I'd drop this friend. She just sounds awful.

No specifics come to mind, but what irritates me the most now, is people who give me this "all knowing, unsolictied advice" (as in they overhear me talking to someone else and butt in) and then I find out they don't have kids. OMG. The smugness of their advice is painful, as the advice is always telling me what i am doing wrong. The only thing that makes me not slap them is the realization that I was probably that stupid and thought I had good advice about parenting before I had kids too.

Preemie PP here. I wanted to add that it might be worth making her realize yours is a health/ developmental concern, and, as a caring mom you can't look at the bright side of her not walking.It's like saying to a mom of a mute child "be happy she's not driving you nuts with all incessant chatter like my kid". Something like "I'd rather/ I wish I could worry about chasing her than about her being developmentally delayed" should drive the point home, unless the woman is seriously obtuse.

Anonymous wrote:Most of these are breath-takingly awful (OP here). They make mine seem tame And to the pps who have nicely pointed out that many people who say these awkward things don't know what else to say, or that they have good intent underneath it all: I agree, to a point. There are some things that most people with common sense just know you should steer clear of. As one pp mentioned, any kind of illness, delay that is obviously causing angst to the parent, anything with procreation, and especially death-these things should just be off limits. PP whose child died, I am so so sorry for your loss, and doubly sorry that you had to endure crap from people who just should KNOW BETTER. As I stated in my original post, a simple "I'm sorry, I feel for you" or something similar is just better all around.

Thank you.

Most of these are breath-takingly awful (OP here). They make mine seem tame And to the pps who have nicely pointed out that many people who say these awkward things don't know what else to say, or that they have good intent underneath it all: I agree, to a point. There are some things that most people with common sense just know you should steer clear of. As one pp mentioned, any kind of illness, delay that is obviously causing angst to the parent, anything with procreation, and especially death-these things should just be off limits. PP whose child died, I am so so sorry for your loss, and doubly sorry that you had to endure crap from people who just should KNOW BETTER. As I stated in my original post, a simple "I'm sorry, I feel for you" or something similar is just better all around.

In my case this morning, it's not like the person didn't know my situation with my DD, I had just finished telling her how discouraged I am today after a lovely weekend spent at parks with my DD...carrying her everywhere while children her age tore down slides, ran for the sandbox, and galloped to the swings. When she came back at me with the whole "well, you should just be happy your DD isn't walking, it's less work for you", it just struck me as almost willfully obtuse and in-your-face cheery. Is her situation the worst ever? No, of course not, and I count my blessings often. But it was getting me down at that moment, and it would have just been nice to hear some commiseration, or sympathy if that wasn't available.

The best part...she saw me later today, and exclaimed: "oh, I thought of something-have you ever stood right in front of her and held out a cookie and told her to come get it? I found with my kids if I just expected them do it, they would!".

Seriously? Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:"Well at least (my child's name) got to see you for a whole hour today!" Said to me at every.single.school.event by a SAHM after she asks if I am headed back to work after the concert/party/talent show/field trip. This comment makes me irrationally angry.

Her husband recently got laid off and my hand to God if I see her I will be saying, "Wow! Good thing you switched to public school already. At least you switched when you couldn't afford (our school) on one salary. It would suck for the kids to link up the trauma of changing schools with Joe's job loss!"

1. I am horrified that a fellow parent would say that to you!!!!

2. This is sheer awesomeness. I hope you do say that to her, and please come back here and report how it goes!!! I will be waiting with bated breath!! Love it!

"Well at least (my child's name) got to see you for a whole hour today!" Said to me at every.single.school.event by a SAHM after she asks if I am headed back to work after the concert/party/talent show/field trip. This comment makes me irrationally angry.

Her husband recently got laid off and my hand to God if I see her I will be saying, "Wow! Good thing you switched to public school already. At least you switched when you couldn't afford (our school) on one salary. It would suck for the kids to link up the trauma of changing schools with Joe's job loss!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When are you going to try for a boy? (mom of 3 girls)

Didn't know that I was supposed to think that girls were bad or that somehow life without a son meant that I was somehow less of a mom...

We have friends with three boys and they get questioned about when they're having a girl. Clearly it's just something to say when you have a run on one gender.

I have two boys and get it all the time too.

Twin boys--us, too. Now, we're older parents and we knew that we had just as much chance of being confused for the grandparents as the parents. We will just barely be able to get the kids out of high school before we retire. And yet, we still get "are you going to try for a girl?" "were you disappointed that you didn't have a girl?" "2 boys. That's rough." etc.