Of course both parties are to blame. But cheating doesn't justify the fact that someone else did something wrong. That's why you divorce, or work on things, not when you cheat.

Cheating is not about a bad marriage, cheating is about filling something in you that you should be filling for yourself. People seek shit out all the time from other people and it's temporary, it won't get you anything in the long run.

I don't give a crap if people cheat or not. But don't blame the other person or say stuff like "it's complicated. life is not black and white." Bullshit. At least own it. If you wanted temporary fun, a thrill to avoid dealing with the pain of real life, to numb yourself for a bit, fine. But why not just say, yeah, did that. It was selfish. Oh well. I moved on.

I don't get the justification. Just own it. It's called cheating for a reason, and everyone gets cheated to some degree - the spouse, the person who in the affair, the affair partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

FBO wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

hmm, what do you like??? That the poster had an affair o fulfill some selfish personal need? Or that she ended up with her partner in crime? Frankly, I see nothing to like. She could end up doing the same thing to her current husband and he to her.

I like the idea that the previous poster had found someone they loved and cared for more than the person they were with. Not only that, but they have the guts to decide that in this life, their ONLY life, they would rather be happy than worry about other peoples judgement of them. Based on the post, I would speculate that the past 6 years for that poster have been better than they would have been if they had stayed with their previous partner. Kudos to them for knowing that they are the ONLY person responsible for their own happiness. Not a husband, not a lover, not a child; them.

And how do you know the other partner that got cheated on has not been happier the past 6 years? The thought bears consideration

How many times a day can we all read here about people who are MISERABLE in their marriage but do not have the knowledge/ability/guts to accept that and make some life changes. If you can stop judging the poster ('selfish personal need', 'partner in crime') then you could probably see the situation differently.

Not a confrontation, just a thought.

6 year married cheater who will never do it again here.

I could not have said this better myself.

I am much happier now, and I believe that my ex is as well. We are both remarried and both have children. We never had children together. Our marriage should not have happened, but it did. When I was staring down the barrel of 50 years of unhappiness I decided to pull the plug. I didn't do it in the correct way, but I was an immature 25 year old. I've learned from the experience, and I believe everyone is better off for it in the end.

It seems like everyone is assuming that the first marriage was all happy and rosy and the cheater just went out and got some on the side. Both parties are almost always to blame when someone cheats. Someone isn't getting something that they need from their partner. In my case, it was emotional support. If your partner can't or won't provide something that you fundamentally need, then there are big problems. Like it or not, it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that the unfulfilled partner will seek that out.

Wow, you really must be something...maybe in your marriage, cheating was justifiable (not), in others', it actually IS the cheater who is to blame. And no, I'm sure your marriage will fail, as this type of relationship rarely ends well...it would be pretty funny and deserved if your current husband cheated and left you, but then it wouldn't be his fault, correct, as you would be to blame as well?

I still believe that both parties in a marriage are responsible for it faltering. Maybe one spouse doesn't open up about his or her feelings. Maybe one spouse withholds sex. I don't believe that there are too many marriages in which one party cheats, and the other partner thought that things were going along perfectly. The cheating spouse isn't getting everything he or she needs from the non-cheating spouse. Cheating isn't the right thing to do, but I think that 99% of the time, both parties are too blame.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

FBO wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

hmm, what do you like??? That the poster had an affair o fulfill some selfish personal need? Or that she ended up with her partner in crime? Frankly, I see nothing to like. She could end up doing the same thing to her current husband and he to her.

I like the idea that the previous poster had found someone they loved and cared for more than the person they were with. Not only that, but they have the guts to decide that in this life, their ONLY life, they would rather be happy than worry about other peoples judgement of them. Based on the post, I would speculate that the past 6 years for that poster have been better than they would have been if they had stayed with their previous partner. Kudos to them for knowing that they are the ONLY person responsible for their own happiness. Not a husband, not a lover, not a child; them.

And how do you know the other partner that got cheated on has not been happier the past 6 years? The thought bears consideration

How many times a day can we all read here about people who are MISERABLE in their marriage but do not have the knowledge/ability/guts to accept that and make some life changes. If you can stop judging the poster ('selfish personal need', 'partner in crime') then you could probably see the situation differently.

Not a confrontation, just a thought.

6 year married cheater who will never do it again here.

I could not have said this better myself.

I am much happier now, and I believe that my ex is as well. We are both remarried and both have children. We never had children together. Our marriage should not have happened, but it did. When I was staring down the barrel of 50 years of unhappiness I decided to pull the plug. I didn't do it in the correct way, but I was an immature 25 year old. I've learned from the experience, and I believe everyone is better off for it in the end.

It seems like everyone is assuming that the first marriage was all happy and rosy and the cheater just went out and got some on the side. Both parties are almost always to blame when someone cheats. Someone isn't getting something that they need from their partner. In my case, it was emotional support. If your partner can't or won't provide something that you fundamentally need, then there are big problems. Like it or not, it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that the unfulfilled partner will seek that out.

Wow, you really must be something...maybe in your marriage, cheating was justifiable (not), in others', it actually IS the cheater who is to blame. And no, I'm sure your marriage will fail, as this type of relationship rarely ends well...it would be pretty funny and deserved if your current husband cheated and left you, but then it wouldn't be his fault, correct, as you would be to blame as well?

Why the need to actively hate and wish ill upon this woman? Her ex seems to be happy with his new life as well. Six years into marriage with one kid and, by her account happy- this relationship is not the huge failure you so desperately wish it would be. Why should you care? This woman's happiness does not affect yours. Her ex's happiness is not your problem either. Maybe you should accept that a not-so-great event actually had favorable outcomes for everyone involved.

Another no way person here. I wasn't caught. Affair person was an old boyfriend. It was a long-distance thing, mostly emotional, only "actually" cheated once (I am distinguishing from emotional cheating, which I was doing in spades). Turned out old BF was as much of a disaster as I thought in my clear-eyed moments, except since he dumped me all those years ago I always wondered if really I wasn't good enough. At least I got that answered.

It also made me look hard at my marriage and take the steps necessary to end it. It is true that I cheated because things were miserable, but I am NOT saying that was all DH's fault. When I started acting like I didn't care if we did divorce, DH responded. He changed some things, I changed some things, and now we are better than ever. No, as far as I know he doesn't know, and honestly, if he was cheating then (as I sometimes suspected) or had a porn habit or whatever, I don't want to know either. That wasn't us. It was really painful to go through fixing all the bad stuff. Only several years later was I able to finally admit the pain was worth getting to where we are now.

I've got the guy I want now, and I don't need anyone else.

I don't think anyone is saying there cannot be happiness when someone moves on from a marriage. But come on --- if you're so miserable that you're out actively looking -- have some self-respect and get a separation or a divorce first. It's sleazy.

Anonymous wrote:

FBO wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

hmm, what do you like??? That the poster had an affair o fulfill some selfish personal need? Or that she ended up with her partner in crime? Frankly, I see nothing to like. She could end up doing the same thing to her current husband and he to her.

I like the idea that the previous poster had found someone they loved and cared for more than the person they were with. Not only that, but they have the guts to decide that in this life, their ONLY life, they would rather be happy than worry about other peoples judgement of them. Based on the post, I would speculate that the past 6 years for that poster have been better than they would have been if they had stayed with their previous partner. Kudos to them for knowing that they are the ONLY person responsible for their own happiness. Not a husband, not a lover, not a child; them.

And how do you know the other partner that got cheated on has not been happier the past 6 years? The thought bears consideration

How many times a day can we all read here about people who are MISERABLE in their marriage but do not have the knowledge/ability/guts to accept that and make some life changes. If you can stop judging the poster ('selfish personal need', 'partner in crime') then you could probably see the situation differently.

Not a confrontation, just a thought.

6 year married cheater who will never do it again here.

I could not have said this better myself.

I am much happier now, and I believe that my ex is as well. We are both remarried and both have children. We never had children together. Our marriage should not have happened, but it did. When I was staring down the barrel of 50 years of unhappiness I decided to pull the plug. I didn't do it in the correct way, but I was an immature 25 year old. I've learned from the experience, and I believe everyone is better off for it in the end.

It seems like everyone is assuming that the first marriage was all happy and rosy and the cheater just went out and got some on the side. Both parties are almost always to blame when someone cheats. Someone isn't getting something that they need from their partner. In my case, it was emotional support. If your partner can't or won't provide something that you fundamentally need, then there are big problems. Like it or not, it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that the unfulfilled partner will seek that out.

Wow, you really must be something...maybe in your marriage, cheating was justifiable (not), in others', it actually IS the cheater who is to blame. And no, I'm sure your marriage will fail, as this type of relationship rarely ends well...it would be pretty funny and deserved if your current husband cheated and left you, but then it wouldn't be his fault, correct, as you would be to blame as well?

well put PP.

Anonymous wrote:I'm also assuming that people find it easier to divorce the second time around because they've already been down that road and its not as scary.

Yep, and I think the pain of ending a marriage is so great that some people's defense mechanism is "I deserve better!" Unfortunately that means they have even more unrealistic expectations for the next person and even more scars from the divorce, so even less tenacity to work through things.

As a person who cheated in my marriage, and left my spouse for the other person, I can say I definitely changed for the better. That was almost 20 years ago and I've since remarried and am now divorcing again due to my ex cheating on me. I could certainly have justified cheating on him, but didn't because I would have compromised my integrity and wanted to be able to prove to myself I'm better than that.

Once a cheater, always a cheater - - not true if the person truly regrets their decision.

I'm also assuming that people find it easier to divorce the second time around because they've already been down that road and its not as scary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want anybody to be miserble but if you think the affair to marriage path is lined with daisies you are horribly mistaken.

I have no dog in the fight so I have no reason to take one side over the other.

The assumption that the 1st marriage was miserble but the secong rosey is a false assumption.

Quite often the 1st was happy and when the affair is found out dissolved and the conselation prize not exactly all happiness and roses.

What's the saying? "Happy people don't cheat"?

If you read the research done by Shirley Glass she found that for men - "happy men cheat as often as men that are not happy". So if your husband is happy you have just as much of a chance of him cheating as a husband that is not happy.

Anonymous wrote:Daisies and roses maybe not, but I just don't see why two people on a second marriage don't have the same shot. I always hear about what happens when u have to start doing the daily chores with an AP. I don't see how that's any different than with any other human being. Also, I have trouble with the statistics. I only know one person who's second marriage failed, and he was a drug addict and married a stripper. All the other couples I know are going on 5-15 years together.

The reason the 2nd marriage does not have the same shot is because the 2nd marriage has people in it that could not figure out marriage the first time. The statistics change if individual counseling is done to figure out why the marriage failed. Otherwise the person goes into the 2nd marriage assuming their 1st wife was to blame and then find out it is them.

It's not that they don't have a shot at it actually 35% do stay married and when you are talking about millions of people that is a lot. 70% of people that divorce and remarry say they wish they would have stayed and worked on their 1st marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Daisies and roses maybe not, but I just don't see why two people on a second marriage don't have the same shot. I always hear about what happens when u have to start doing the daily chores with an AP. I don't see how that's any different than with any other human being. Also, I have trouble with the statistics. I only know one person who's second marriage failed, and he was a drug addict and married a stripper. All the other couples I know are going on 5-15 years together.

Statistically they don't have the same shot at all. First, very few affairs end up in marriage. The biggest study on this shows it is 3% (among educated professionals). Of those 3%, 25% make it to five years.

So it is possible but is rare. I think it depends on circumstances. If you are using an affair to escape, and you develop a relationship, after a while like all relationships it can lose the allure. Real life gets in the way.

Another big one for people with kids is that there is a challenging history. If family finds out it could be awkward when you bring the affair partner over (if it's obvious, like you were married, now you are separated, there is a new person who was your co-worker, not hard to figure it out as I can't imagine the jilted spouse keeps quiet to family about it). So that can create tension.

Second marriages are statistically more likely to fail anyway but I think one that has started as an affair has so many more challenges. I don't know, I think even if your marriage was horrible, you need a bit of time to adjust and heal from a bad marriage. It takes its toll on you and if you get started in a relationship before you've separated/divorced I just think you are not being fair to yourself. Also imagine it would be confusing as hell for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:I don't want anybody to be miserble but if you think the affair to marriage path is lined with daisies you are horribly mistaken.

I have no dog in the fight so I have no reason to take one side over the other.

The assumption that the 1st marriage was miserble but the secong rosey is a false assumption.

Quite often the 1st was happy and when the affair is found out dissolved and the conselation prize not exactly all happiness and roses.

What's the saying? "Happy people don't cheat"?

^^. Awesome