Anonymous wrote:I have been faded away on and have been been the fader.

I have ADD and always have. Changing friendships doesn't bother me to the degree that I can see from reading this thread that it bothers others. In fact, I have no bad or painful memories of lost friendships but I do look back and fondly remember many people who I have lost touch with. I can even relate to many stories. Great friends, hanging out every day, until one day -no phone call, no email, no nothing and never seeing the friend again - and it nevered really bothered me. I am quite sure I have done this myself to others. It does sound a bit heartless I realize but I don't have the ability to focus on anything for that long so I hardly get jealous or biter about much because I just flit along to the next thing and enjoy that for a while and then move on, etc. Sadly that goes for people too (I am divorced btw) with the exception of my kids.

Yeah, if you don't have any longterm friendships, I guess you can't relate. I have some friends I've known for over 30 years.

I had a friend dump me very deliberately...she made a point of telling me that she had never told anyone why she was withdrawing, but she wanted to tell me. Then she proceeded to tell me that I reminded her too much of the parts of herself that she doesn't like. I am left to contemplate that...it was pretty cruel to do it that way. I wish she had just faded away. We were in a small graduate program together and shared all of the same close friends. It proved to be awkward for many years to socialize with her and know she was cringing inside/sending hate rays to me the whole time. The worst part is that we really werent close, I had never made any real demands on her...we had gone out for drinks once or twice....I would not have even noticed her withdrawal beyond her just "being busy". Unless the person really has angered you and you will be haunted by what is left unsaid, back away slowly. Everyone over the age of 10 knows what the signs are and gets it eventually.

OP, if you and this friend have gone through some trauma, and she's drinking and using inappropriately language, you may want to suggest counceling to deal with the event.

OP here, thank you so much for the thoughtful replies. It gives me a lot to think about. I would not say we are close friends, in that we haven't been friends a long time or that we know each other particularly well. However, we have both gone through a major event together that was very traumatic that has made us more then just "mommy friends". As we have gotten closer, I realize we are just very different types of people and it's frustrating to try and maintain the friendship (I know she feels some of it too).

I may just stop initiating events with her and take a step back and see what happens.

Anonymous wrote:NEVER DUMP A FRIEND - just fade out instead.

If you dump her, what if you change your mind? What if she marries somebody you know? Friends with your boss? You just never know - I dumped a friend once and later regretted it big time.

I agree - why burn bridges. Sad.

Anonymous wrote:I have been faded away on and have been been the fader.

I have ADD and always have. Changing friendships doesn't bother me to the degree that I can see from reading this thread that it bothers others. In fact, I have no bad or painful memories of lost friendships but I do look back and fondly remember many people who I have lost touch with. I can even relate to many stories. Great friends, hanging out every day, until one day -no phone call, no email, no nothing and never seeing the friend again - and it nevered really bothered me. I am quite sure I have done this myself to others. It does sound a bit heartless I realize but I don't have the ability to focus on anything for that long so I hardly get jealous or biter about much because I just flit along to the next thing and enjoy that for a while and then move on, etc. Sadly that goes for people too (I am divorced btw) with the exception of my kids.

Case in point...

I'm sorry that you haven't been able to cultivate and maintain real and lasting relationships. You are missing a lot. Or not I suppose, since it doesn't seem to bother you.

I have been faded away on and have been been the fader.

I have ADD and always have. Changing friendships doesn't bother me to the degree that I can see from reading this thread that it bothers others. In fact, I have no bad or painful memories of lost friendships but I do look back and fondly remember many people who I have lost touch with. I can even relate to many stories. Great friends, hanging out every day, until one day -no phone call, no email, no nothing and never seeing the friend again - and it nevered really bothered me. I am quite sure I have done this myself to others. It does sound a bit heartless I realize but I don't have the ability to focus on anything for that long so I hardly get jealous or biter about much because I just flit along to the next thing and enjoy that for a while and then move on, etc. Sadly that goes for people too (I am divorced btw) with the exception of my kids.

NEVER DUMP A FRIEND - just fade out instead.

If you dump her, what if you change your mind? What if she marries somebody you know? Friends with your boss? You just never know - I dumped a friend once and later regretted it big time.

Anonymous wrote:Fade away. What is the point of the talk --- give the other person a parting lesson? hope she will change for the better after you are gone? Justify your action? I would be totally pissed if a friend tells me we can not be friends because of my shortcomings. Just go away already.

The only justification for the talk is that if you care about this person and still want to be friends.

I think the point of a talk is you or the other person taking the high road, and showing character. It shouldn't be a "I don't want to be friends with you because you suck" discussion, but it offers a little bit of closure. Is it easy? No. But if you've been close to a person, shared your lives and stories, then doesn't that person deserve to at least have a bit of closure? How about "I've been so busy with xyz, I know we aren't as close as before, but hopefully we can see each other for a coffee or drinks sometime soon." Again, if the relationship is toxic or utterly one-sided, and you can't stand the person, then I guess you could just avoid them. But really, how would you feel about yourself if you did that? And what if you run into each other? No one wants to be scolded, but no one appreciates being dumped without any sort of explanation. Grow up, it doesn't have to be confrontational, just assume everyone is an adult.

Anonymous wrote:Fade away. What is the point of the talk --- give the other person a parting lesson? hope she will change for the better after you are gone? Justify your action? I would be totally pissed if a friend tells me we can not be friends because of my shortcomings. Just go away already.

The only justification for the talk is that if you care about this person and still want to be friends.

First 10:55 here - I guess it depends on the personality. I'd want to know of my shortcomings - of course I'd have the final say as to whether or not it was noteworthy, but even still, if it's something like saying "F off" in front of 5 year old children, I'd want to know and change that about myself.

Fade away. What is the point of the talk --- give the other person a parting lesson? hope she will change for the better after you are gone? Justify your action? I would be totally pissed if a friend tells me we can not be friends because of my shortcomings. Just go away already.

The only justification for the talk is that if you care about this person and still want to be friends.

I had a friend who just stopped replying to e-mails and calls cold turkey. I still wish she just told me what the problem was. Even if she let the friendship just fade away - say she was too busy all the time, I'd still wonder why she was trying to avoid me.