Anonymous wrote:Although this discussion should perhaps be taken to a spinoff thread, as this thread is interesting and it would be a shame to hijack it.

Oops - sorry. If anyone wants me to take it to a new thread, I will. You know, I've thought about opening up the marriage. At this point though, we both work full-time and we have two preschoolers. We hardly have enough time for each other and the kids, let alone other people. And you can never be sure with STDs you know - herpes and HPV in particular and I honestly don't trust him enough to have no genital contact with anyone else, so I'd insist on condoms with the two of us at all times too which would suck. I also don't trust his judgement in terms of keeping our relationship mess-free (like choosing discrete women) and keeping it all away from the kids. And I'm personally one that has always had emotional attachment when I've slept with someone, so I almost see opening it up as a beginning of the end for our marriage anyhow. He'd probably be happy just to screw around and come home to us, but I can see myself meeting someone else and wanting to leave him anyway.

In short, it is something I've considered, but I don't know that it would improve things at all.

Anonymous wrote:So why not let him sleep with others, provided he uses protection, and continue the marriage. You said he and you are good in other respects.

Yes. That's the deal I have with my DH. He feels as you do and I'm like your husband. I have no interest in leaving my husband, but also no interest in sleeping with only one person the rest of my life.

Although this discussion should perhaps be taken to a spinoff thread, as this thread is interesting and it would be a shame to hijack it.

So why not let him sleep with others, provided he uses protection, and continue the marriage. You said he and you are good in other respects.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is currently trying to keep my family together after my husband had an affair that started on a business trip, this thread is really difficult to read.

So stop reading it.

Yeah I probably should. It's actually making me want to just give up on trying to continue my marriage. I'm trying because we have two young kids and the thought of shuttling them back and forth, missing out on large parts of their lives, and being a single mom for the other parts is the only thing keeping me trying. But reading these posts is just making me think that my husband, who had one of these accidental
affairs, is just the way he is and that there's nothing preventing him from doing it again. He'll probably just be more careful next time.

Seems like there are people who prefer monogamy (I do personally, but I'd say mostly for avoiding STDs and other messiness in life) and those people who strongly prefer to sleep with many people, of which I think my husband is one. Unfortunately we're very well-matched in other areas. It's a shame we're not well-matched in this one and I wish I'd known the importance of that (and that he'd been more honest about it himself) before we had kids. I would never have brought children into the world if I had been able to imagine where we'd be today. Then I would be free just to leave him and he could be free to sleep with whoever he wanted.

Business trip. Traveling in first class, struck up casual conversation with seatmate. Never for a minute thought anything about it until we ran into each other a couple more times and were traveling to the same location regularly for business, staying in same awesome hotel. Not in the same line of work. Lived in same general area, but far enough apart that we never ran into each other at home. Lasted for two years until one of us moved out of the area. Not proud of it. It wasn't planned. I don't know how you could plan something like this.

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is currently trying to keep my family together after my husband had an affair that started on a business trip, this thread is really difficult to read.

So stop reading it.

fishing, not fishy.

Anonymous wrote:Depends on who. Different women want different things. Did you see the movie Notes on a Scandal and wonder how a pretty upper-class woman with a loving family could end up giving a 16-yo blowjobs in the classroom? The character Cate Blanchett portrayed felt invisible. She missed being admired by someone under the age of fifty. She wanted to be f'd by someone who really wanted to f her. The boy could see that so he told her what he knew she wanted to hear. Many women want to hear that they are irresistibly bewitching but not all. Find out what your prospective fling wants to hear by listening to her jokes.

This is interesting to me. I would never broadcast what I want to hear in a joke. It feels like fishy for a compliment and little too needy. In fairness, I likely did this when I was much younger.

As someone who is currently trying to keep my family together after my husband had an affair that started on a business trip, this thread is really difficult to read.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it seems to me that these affairs just happen more than it being some calculated drawn out plan. correct me if im wrong please cause that is why i asked the question to start this thread.

so maybe there is innocent flirting that neither person realizes than it goes from there. maybe the serial cheaters figure out the right tricks to apply once they get their feet wet but for a first timer it "just happens"

at least thats my observation.

Here's my experience. I wasn't looking for an affair, but I was more receptive than I realized to one. When a coworker started flirting with me while on a business trip, he aroused my interest. When he sent me that glass of champagne across the room, it was over and I was his.

what you describe is exactly how i envision it getting started and happening.

on the few business trips ive been on, ive seen what i thought to be "openings" but never followed through. all it did was increase my curiosity and start mapping "what if" scenarios cause things probably would have happened if certain chain of events had been received the right way

Anonymous wrote:it seems to me that these affairs just happen more than it being some calculated drawn out plan. correct me if im wrong please cause that is why i asked the question to start this thread.

so maybe there is innocent flirting that neither person realizes than it goes from there. maybe the serial cheaters figure out the right tricks to apply once they get their feet wet but for a first timer it "just happens"

at least thats my observation.

Here's my experience. I wasn't looking for an affair, but I was more receptive than I realized to one. When a coworker started flirting with me while on a business trip, he aroused my interest. When he sent me that glass of champagne across the room, it was over and I was his.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on who. Different women want different things. Did you see the movie Notes on a Scandal and wonder how a pretty upper-class woman with a loving family could end up giving a 16-yo blowjobs in the classroom? The character Cate Blanchett portrayed felt invisible. She missed being admired by someone under the age of fifty. She wanted to be f'd by someone who really wanted to f her. The boy could see that so he told her what he knew she wanted to hear. Many women want to hear that they are irresistibly bewitching but not all. Find out what your prospective fling wants to hear by listening to her jokes.

Great advice but I wonder if you are a sociopath. So calculating.

Wow! You just brought a smile to my face for the first time today. That is one of the best compliments I have ever received. (First place still goes to "You look so good I ought to shoot you and throw you in the trunk of my car.) When I feel down I'll reflect on your words and remember that I've still got it going on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart -- no sarcasm intended.

Anonymous wrote:Leaving aside issues of morality, why would anyone take a chance with a workplace affair? You're practically crying out to get caught. Is that the thrill you are looking for? If so, it really doesn't matter which approach you use; it will blow up in your face one way or another.

I sleep regularly with a coworker but he's in a different building, in a different department. Why would anyone care about our relationship, considering we don't actually work together in any way?

Anonymous wrote:This is really not so hard. You demonstrate your interest in the other person by doing things that clearly suggest an interest but are plausibly deniable and gradually escalate over time. Light flirting, more physical contact than normal (such as holding a handshake just a smigden longer than normal, light touching that isn't strictly speaking necessary). If the person reacts poorly, you just stop, and if called on it you claim a misunderstanding and never do anything like that again. If the person seems receptive, you are off to the races. Not that I would ever do this, but practically it is not that hard a problem and if you can't figure it out, you aren't really affair material.

Light touching on the arm, slightly longer look than normal. Making a point to say hi when it could be construed by others as just being friendly, but in fact it's a deliberate interaction.