OP, Andrew Sullivan has recently had a thread on this topic with some interesting stories that his readers have written to him. Here's the link to the most recent post, and you can trace back to the earlier posts from there. G.L.

http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/05/how-i-learned-my-husband-was-gay-ctd-1.html

OP - I was in a relationship (lived together for 7 years) to a man who turned out to be gay. I have to say that a lot of what you say sounds just like him. It was terrible to go through the discovery (I caught him looking at stuff on the internet and demanded he show me his email, etc.). But to this day, I wonder why I didn't expect better for myself all along. FWIW, he would not answer the question when I directly answered him - not until after we were broken up. I could explain away everything - he was depressed, he had low self-esteem, he was more sensitive/artistic than other men, blah, blah. I had to discover something ... and if I hadn't tried to explain things away all the time, I would have discovered something much earlier.

We didn't have kids, so obviously your situation is much more complicated.

If I were you, I'd go through everything - his emails, web searches, mail, ask questions of his old friends (maybe ones he is no longer friendly with ...). Unfortunately it's the only way some people will confess. I think they truly love the person they are with and don't want to let them down, so will continue to hide everything. Of course, your DH won't want to lose his family. But - I found that living with a lie was unbearable - it took me many years to get over the fact that someone could do that to me.

OP - I'd be happy to chat sometime if you want. Let me know if you're interested and I can give you an email to write to.

Good luck.

I agree with the pps who have said it really doesn't matter why he is not fully in the marriage (emotionally, sexually, etc.). What matters is whether you are getting what you need from your husband and marriage and it really sounds like you are not. It's definitely time for counseling and for you to reflect on what choices you need to make for yourself for you to be happy.

FWIW - my dad was a big, burly guy. Very stereotypically male (messy, wore the same clothes for days on end, etc). And gay, gay, gay. My DH likes clothes, picks out my shoes, and is way metrosexual. Straight. It's not possible to tell if someone is gay unless he says so.

OP - I married young to a guy who did his best to stay in the closet. We divorced shortly after. He finally came out 15 years later. I think he always knew but figured he could manage marriage and then people would stop wondering. I suggest you get out and not settle for someone who cannot give you the love and intimacy you deserve. He may eventually come out and choose his happiness. I suggest you choose yours.

Is he insecure or acts all macho? If yes, then maybe you shouldn't ask him. He might feel threatened by your question and try to do something to you to keep the secret safe.

OP again. Just wanted to thank you all for sharing your insight. Very helpful.

OP, yes, he sounds gay and scared to make a change in his life. Probably scared of losing you and/or the kids. He probably also has a lot of internalized homophobia to deal with (or maybe less than you think, he may just be internalizing self-loathing for lying to you all these years).

Tell him you're concerned about his depression and addiction, get him into couples therapy, and then lay it out there.

Anonymous wrote:I have always assumed that the more homophobic the person is, the more conflicted they are. Expressed hatred is generally a hatred of some similar trait in yourself.

There is definitely truth in that.

OP here - thanks for apology, but actually your jokes added some levity earlier, were taken with good spirit. Thanks for PP's questions. Yes we have kids, and I am going back to work, we are "functional" but without intimacy; whether or not DH is gay, yes, he has repressed his need for intimacy; thanks for your thoughts and comments. It is a tough area to navigate and I obviously can't take a poll of my friend's gaydar; I do know that gay men love him; I've never heard him compliment another woman as being hot, but he has complimented men as being good-looking to me.

I have always assumed that the more homophobic the person is, the more conflicted they are. Expressed hatred is generally a hatred of some similar trait in yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1249 what year was this 1989? Who still calls gay datelines?

Glad you moved on.

No, it was in mid 2000s. It was a safe way for DC closeted gays to hook up, without being tracked (membership payed via Western Union Money Transfer)

FWIW, none of my friends would have guessed he was gay - he was Republican, politically connected, very conservatively dressed, no gay friends in the open, nothing artsy about him.

Are you kidding yourself?

Who was doing the toe-tapping in the men's room?

Larry Craig, anyone?

You obviously didn't read the whole thread with the background story. This is completely out of context.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry Jeff. I am pretty ashamed of not reading the whole post and being more sensitive to the full nature of OP's query. It is a topic that obviously hit a nerve with me and my responses were idiotic. Again. Sorry.

Your apology would be better aimed at OP, don't you think?

Yes. Sorry OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1249 what year was this 1989? Who still calls gay datelines?

Glad you moved on.

No, it was in mid 2000s. It was a safe way for DC closeted gays to hook up, without being tracked (membership payed via Western Union Money Transfer)

FWIW, none of my friends would have guessed he was gay - he was Republican, politically connected, very conservatively dressed, no gay friends in the open, nothing artsy about him.

Are you kidding yourself?

Who was doing the toe-tapping in the men's room?

Larry Craig, anyone?

Well, whether he is gay or not, you are not in an emotionally or sexually fulfilling marriage and you should be seeing a therapist to explore your feelings about that. It may not matter whether he is gay or just repressed, in the end, if your marriage isn't functional.

OP, you have kids? How old? do you work? do you feel like you two function as a couple in other ways? are you happy parenting together? do you have a strong social life? Family stuff? What are the issues that are most important to you in this regard? is it sex? is it emotional connection? Is it emotional honesty between you two? are you affectionate with each other?

FWIW, I was involved for several years with someone similar--he always attracted gay men but was kind of homophobic in a way that suggested to me something was made uncomfortable in him by getting hit on so much, and he was, with me anyway, sexually and emotionally very repressed. Ultimately, I ended it because I felt so lonely in the relationship. My conclusion was that the deep emotional and physical repression was probably from a deep inner conflict about intimacy, and could very well be related to being gay and not being able to tolerate/acknowledge it and thus not being able to be intimate with anyone-- but might have had other roots not related to sexual orientation. In the end it didn't matter. I felt immense relief when I moved on (but I was not married with kids). FWIW, he's now 50 and unmarried still.....

OP again - I don't suspect him of having extramarital relations, BTW, I think he has just really repressed his sexual side -- and wants the traditional image of kids/family/house/traditional Red State life.....