For some reason I also feel obligated to give my son a sibling so that he doesn't grow up alone.

My friend, your son will not know the difference. Honestly. If there was anything in your post that suggested that you personally want another child, I would have a different perspective - but all I hear you saying is that you think you *should* have another child because of what you think your husband or son may want. Those aren't good enough reasons when you are the one who will be doing most of the work.

It doesn't matter if it seems like "everyone else" can handle two...you're not "everyone else." And you have no idea what may be going on behind closed doors in those families that might look perfect on the surface.

Your job now is to be the healthiest person you can be, for yourself, your child, and your husband. I can't say that you'll never regret just having one child, but it sounds like you have very valid reasons not to have another baby.

NO, if I were in the emotional and familial circumstances some folks describe here I would NOT try for a second. Instead, I would put the resources of time, money, and psychological energy into making myself well and my marriage strong. That would be counseling, medication, therapy, whatever. I would absolutely positively not add a second child into a volatile downward-trajectory mix.

No, I wouldn't even consider it.

OP here, PP my husband and I always thought we would have two children. When I got pregnant with my first, I had a difficult pregnancy My morning sickness can be considered as HG, then gestational diabetes and so on. Raising an active baby with no help from the family, and a full time job also took a toll on me. So, right now, my husband is not pushing of r a second but I know at the bottom of his heart he really wants a second, and I just feel so guilty to admit that I can't have a second. sometimes I look around myself and think "everyone else has two, why can't I handle two", but then there are also times that I think I think I just can't not handle more pressure or I will loose it. For some reason I also feel obligated to give my son a sibling so that he doesn't grow up alone. I don't know if these are valid reasons to want to have a second, but I just wish I had a couple of more years to recover.

Why do you want a second child? Nowhere do you say what is pushing you to consider it. It doesn't sound like you want this right now but rather that you feel as though you ought to.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you all for your responses. It makes me feel a bit more comfortable to know that for the most part once the second one is born, no parent has fundamental doubt about the decision! BUt let me pose my question another way! if you were having a mild depression, and felt already overwhelmed by having a toddler, a full time job, etc. would you have tried to have a second just becaus time was not in your favour(I am 37/38)? I just thought since you all have a second/third babies, you would know best what it takes to raise two kids. Thanks.

OP sorry I have no advice. Just want to say I am in your shoes exactly - except age 39/40. And a marriage that is not harmonious. Not sure what we will do.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you all for your responses. It makes me feel a bit more comfortable to know that for the most part once the second one is born, no parent has fundamental doubt about the decision! BUt let me pose my question another way! if you were having a mild depression, and felt already overwhelmed by having a toddler, a full time job, etc. would you have tried to have a second just becaus time was not in your favour(I am 37/38)? I just thought since you all have a second/third babies, you would know best what it takes to raise two kids. Thanks.

I had a second sooner than I would have because of age. With mild depression and being overwhelmed I would say you can go ahead now for time purposes IF you think your marriage will survive it. Can you get help in place in advance? Do you both agree that if necessary you will put post-partum depression medication for you ahead of breastfeeding? Does your DH agree to ask if you are more depressed and to help you take action after the second baby is born at a time when you will be sleep deprived and resistant to taking action?

OP here, thank you all for your responses. It makes me feel a bit more comfortable to know that for the most part once the second one is born, no parent has fundamental doubt about the decision! BUt let me pose my question another way! if you were having a mild depression, and felt already overwhelmed by having a toddler, a full time job, etc. would you have tried to have a second just becaus time was not in your favour(I am 37/38)? I just thought since you all have a second/third babies, you would know best what it takes to raise two kids. Thanks.

This is make little sense but here goes. We have two. We want a third. Having two makes it clear how easy having one is, even with our difficult first child. If we end up not being able to have a third part of me will regret having more than one because that was so easy. If we are going to go through years of multiple small children, I want to end up with more than two.

In the end I don't regret having two because I love them both with all my heart and they love each other.

The first year was hard.

Now Little Two is a year and a half old, and, my gosh, she just warms my heart every single day.

We can afford #2, and we have great child care providers. This makes our lives a zillion times easier and more enjoyable, without a doubt. We don't have fancy cars or a big fancy house, but I enjoy our family like nothing else.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, all have valid points. But for some reason I fear to death that if my second child is born with a problem, however small I won't be able to handle this emotionally and physically since I am just too exhausted and financially too stretched! I know thinking about this is crazy, but it just comes to my mind and then I start thinking about how it will affect my son's life and so on. This is not really normal is it?
What of the second one comes, and I am so overwhelmed that I regret having him/her? What if I don't bond with the baby? I mean every thought crossing my mind about having a second child is a scary one and I just don't know why I have so much anxiety over it?

How old is your #1?

I think your fears are very, very common, but I know for me personally the older #1 got the more they subsided, possibly because as she has gotten older and more capable of doing things for herself/less needy, I've blocked out how very trying the newborn period is.

OP here, all have valid points. But for some reason I fear to death that if my second child is born with a problem, however small I won't be able to handle this emotionally and physically since I am just too exhausted and financially too stretched! I know thinking about this is crazy, but it just comes to my mind and then I start thinking about how it will affect my son's life and so on. This is not really normal is it?
What of the second one comes, and I am so overwhelmed that I regret having him/her? What if I don't bond with the baby? I mean every thought crossing my mind about having a second child is a scary one and I just don't know why I have so much anxiety over it?

In life you regret the things you did not do, not the things you did.
Once that 2nd baby comes, it just is so amazing and wonderful

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are planning for #3 and aren't feeling overwhelmed. If it were up to me, I'd have been pregnant before our DC's 2nd and 4th birthdays which just occurred.

Having our first was waaaay more overwhelming due to life circumstances (lost my mum) and the fact that I was suddenly responsible for a little human. It's easy to get wrapped up in a child's minutiae with one, and having more children lets you take a step back and not micromanage your children. JMO, based on my experience and the parents of singletons I know.

Isnt this likely the cause of birth order differences and why a second child is so often a screw up? Having someone all wrapped up in the child's minutiae and them more relaxed once #2 comes around seems to regularly produce hig achieving first born children and screw up second borns.....

Um, I think studies have found that second kids have slightly lower performance in school or something like that, but what makes you use the word "screw-up?" That's a pretty harsh word to describe tons and tons of people worldwide who are not eldest or only children. What exactly do you mean by "screw-up?" The fact that my younger sister went to Smith College instead of Harvard (like me) and went on to get a Fulbright instead of...becoming a SAHM like me?

Anonymous wrote:We are planning for #3 and aren't feeling overwhelmed. If it were up to me, I'd have been pregnant before our DC's 2nd and 4th birthdays which just occurred.

Having our first was waaaay more overwhelming due to life circumstances (lost my mum) and the fact that I was suddenly responsible for a little human. It's easy to get wrapped up in a child's minutiae with one, and having more children lets you take a step back and not micromanage your children. JMO, based on my experience and the parents of singletons I know.

Isnt this likely the cause of birth order differences and why a second child is so often a screw up? Having someone all wrapped up in the child's minutiae and them more relaxed once #2 comes around seems to regularly produce hig achieving first born children and screw up second borns.....

Our marriage suffered much more in the months after #1 than #2. I feel like we are better this time around at being kind to each other, doing what we can to stay functional, carving out even a few minutes a day for ourselves or each other. We really understand this time around that the sleep deprivation is temporary. Our kids are 4 months and just 3 so we're still new to 2 but it's been less stressful than I anticipated.

My own sister died and I miss her every day even though we weren't always close. We didn't have our second just to give our first a sibling, but I do think many sibling relationships ate special and unique.