Anonymous wrote:Home at 7. Helps put kids to bed, then works more.

Makes breakfast. Leaves house at 9.

Makes $500K. Not a million but the kids spend time with him every day. I work too. More flexible hours and much less money. It is my job to order diapers, put away toys, etc.

It's all relative. My DH is home by 6:30 (not BigLaw) and makes 350K. I say that's pretty damn good. 500K is a LOT of money.

OP here -- thanks to those of you who actually answered my questions. I work part time, and actually was in a pretty well paying job before going part time but it just made sense for me to scale down based on DH's hours and the fact that he made more (though not so hard to do in his line of work). DH's hours didn't bother me until we had kids since we both worked a lot -- but now I just really wish he was home more. Perhaps since this seems like the norm, I think I will push him to go in house.

Wow, my big law DH partner's hours (and firm) doesn't sound so bad compared to so many of yours on here. Leaves between 8 and 9 in the morning and plays with kids in the morning (although he doesn't really help them get ready, really just plays). Gets home between 7 and 8pm each night on average, sometimes later, and sometimes earlier which lets him join the family dinner. Even on the average night, he gets home to do bath and bed, and then eats his dinner. Rarely works weekends, which means entire weekend is spent with us. We go to bed fairly late, so we have time to hang out just the two of us usually til midnight or so each night.

Husbands don't suddenly change. They are who they are. He was most likely a go getter from the start - probably a bit self-centered, too. So I imagined her career (if she had one) was dwarfed by her husband's.

Come on - when you marry a lawyer, you do so knowing that there are "perks" to the job.

I gather she does stay at home, although she hasn't responded. That's a "perk" to many women. I doubt they're hurting for money obviously.

None of this should be a shocker to the OP or anyone else in a similar situation. You marry a go getter so expect him to GO GET.

If that sounds mean, oh well. . . It's the truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You HAD to know what you were getting yourself into, OP.

You chose money over an involved spouse. That's the bottom line.

Why so mean? The OP is just asking a question. Leave her alone.

to PP 13:17, I do get that some people marry their college boyfriends without any idea that the cute stoner they were dating would later go to HLS and then to Cravath, but when your spouse had changed jobs (or made partner) did you not discuss how these job changes would change things at home and whether those changes would work for you and your kids? Or did you not discuss this stuff before getting pregnant?

I am about to change jobs and DH and I have discussed how it will change both our morning and evening routines. And I have been explicit about my evening cut-off time during interviews (it helps that I like my current job and so I can afford to not get the offer).

I know some husbands are bad about factoring others into their career decisions - but I do wonder if other wives just quietly seethe when they could have said something that would have changed the situation.

He comes home between 9-10pm, often needs to do a little more work after that. Our kids are in bed at 8, so he's not home for that. However, he does morning duty virtually every weekday (and one weekend day, we split)--he's up with our 2 kids, does breakfast, gets them ready for preschool or nanny. He's with them from wakeup (645-715am) until 9am, then he leaves for work. Late in, late out. Sometimes he has a call or has to go in early and I take over, but that's unusual.

His sacrifice is not sleeping in. But neither of us had kids to have a father who would trade some sleep to be with his kids on a daily basis. He loves his job, he loves his family, it works out for us. The biggest shame is no family dinners during the week and we parent in shifts during the week--he's on his own with them in the am and I'm on my own in the pm. Overall, though, we have a nice balance. I work full-time (government lawyer).

My husband is just under a year away from being up for partner at a big firm. He always wakes up with our baby in the am, gives him breakfast, than we have coffee together, and normally gets home around 8ish. There are nights however, when things get crazy late, and he works weekend here and there. Yes the hours can be tough at times, but mostly he is able to spend time with us, help out around the house, and still do well at work. And it doesn't feel like we are sacrificing much - I get to be home with my kid (we have another on the way) so that in and of itself if wonderful. We are in constant contact through the day and he likes what he does which is so important. We both get to do what we want work wise. I'm grateful more often than not for his job. Maybe when and if he makes partner things will change.

Anonymous wrote:You HAD to know what you were getting yourself into, OP.

You chose money over an involved spouse. That's the bottom line.

I'm in the same boat as OP ( although not a law partner, DH is in another high paying, high stress, long hours career). I did not CHOOSE money over an involved spouse/parent/partner. My spouse chose to become that way 10 years and two kids into marriage! I did not see this coming......

Maybe all the lawyers husbands should read this

http://www.amazon.com/Dinner-Dad-Braved-Traffic-Battled/dp/0812976223/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1336236351&sr=8-1

Dinner with Dad: How One Man Braved Traffic, Battled Picky Eaters, and Found His Way Back to the Family Table

Bumping along on one of the endlessly repetitive late-night train rides that have come to dominate and regulate his life, lawyer and writer Stracher realizes how the daily commute from Westport to Manhattan has left him enervated and emotionally drained. He also senses that he's missing out on both the pleasures and the responsibilities of raising his two children. Devising a work schedule that lets him spend at least some days operating from home, Stracher announces to his wife and children that he will start eating dinner with them every night at six, offering even to do some of the cooking and other domestic chores. High-minded notions of deep and earnest conversations among parents and children soon give way to more pedestrian scenes of fussy-eating children and everyday domestic pandemonium. But Stracher's resolve eventually yields priceless benefits, and he paints an ultimately hopeful, joyful picture of what contemporary family life can be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this in the nicest way...

When does he find time for you? It's as if his life revolves around his career...

This very issue has been troubling for several years. I haven't figured out what to do about it yet.

I'm in the same boat, but my DH is not a lawyer and makes just around six figures. He is passionate about his career (his job is very cool and he is very good at it), but it has caused problems in our marriage. I work too, and we are parents, and marriage takes nurturing and time with each other and it is tough.

In my case he was around a bit more but we are discovering he has some emotional reasons he checks out and is so dedicated to work. It helps him not deal with real life. He can focus on this thing that makes him happy, makes him feel good and productive and valued. But it means he is not seeking that in me, his wife, and that's a problem.

I think a lot of men have this tendency. Women too of course, but women tend to be a bit more in touch with their emotions. I know not all are and not all men are like this, I'm just speaking in generalities as I connected to this post even though my DH is not a big earner or a law firm partner.

Is he a journalist, by any chance?

I am grateful for this thread, for it reminds me why both DH and I stopped practicing law about 10 years ago when the kids were small. We now work in jobs where we make about 20% of what we'd be making in law, but we have a life that's full and enjoy our family and work. Sometimes I forget and feel sorry for us because money is tight. This discussion was a reminder and wake-up call. OP and others, if you are truly happy then good for you. I wouldn't have lasted in BigLaw and neither would my DH.

Anonymous wrote:You HAD to know what you were getting yourself into, OP.

You chose money over an involved spouse. That's the bottom line.

Why so mean? The OP is just asking a question. Leave her alone.

OP, have you ever asked yourself if he has a girlfriend? Every night he doesn't come home until 10:00 p.m.? He doesn't want to be around you, obviously, and chances are good he does have something going on the side.

This makes me glad my husband is a gov't lawyer. The trade-off in pay is more than worth the decreased hours for us.

Anonymous wrote:DH gets home around 8, after dd has gone to sleep, eats dinner then works more. If I had known this was what life would be like with a partner at a law firm, I would have never married him. His original firm merged a few years ago with a much bigger firm and the new one has crazy hour expectations and face time policies. I would trade in our house (our only real luxury) for a husband that I actually saw. And his compensation is paltry compared to partners of other law firms - he makes $300k.

Ugh--I feel for you and your DH. Can he switch firms? That comp seems really low for a partner. I know Sr Assocs who make that much! The face time part would really drive me crazy. So unnecessary these days!! Hope things get better for you guys, PP.