Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I am a criminal defense attorney and I love kids like your son. I can usually keep a kid like him out of serious trouble with the law until their early to mid twenties. And by then their families have paid me tens of thousands of dollars in fees. I have a several families that I can set my watch by. Usually at some point either the mom or the dad will ask me if I think they could something differently. I tell them all the same thing. Put them out of the house and stop supporting them. No money. No cell phone. No car. No gas card. No family credit card. Nothing. Change the locks and give him a trespass notice. Show your two younger kids that you value them and put him out on his 18th birthday literally ready or not.

I think that this is really good advice. This is what my parents did to my brother. It's very hard advice to follow, but it works. Good luck OP.

What happened next?

Did he stop causing you trouble because he disappeared into homelessness and substance abuse?

Did he shape up? Can't tell from the post.

Speaking to You Raised You Fix It

What exactly would you like these people to try that they haven't already? It sounds like they have tried therapy, meds, therapeutic boarding school, and are just looking to survive. If you have some real solutions, offer them. Otherwise, leave it to the human beings who have some empathy and are trying to help.

Hang in OP!

Anonymous wrote:The military isn't a dumping ground for lazy parents to deal with their failures. You raised it, you fix it.

Jerk ass, let's hope karma doesn't come around to bite you in the butt.

The enemy within is hell.

The military isn't a dumping ground for lazy parents to deal with their failures. You raised it, you fix it.

Another poster who was a kid like this and who went on to have a very successful life here. Also a proponent of the tough love approach. Although I'm female, I was a real problem for my parents in HS. (In that case, it was bad parenting, but I don't think it matters as far as the solution is concerned.) My mom put me out at 17 and after nearly flunking HS I went on to graduate college with top honors while working four jobs to put myself through. (Am now highly successful.) I recommend finding a good community college and encouraging your son to take at least one course - doesn't matter which one. He needs to find something he genuinely cares about and wants for himself.

Sorry, the military is cutting back the forces right now as the wars draw down. We don't take your problem children anymore. Anyone without a HS diploma (no GEDs) is being turned away. Anyone with a criminal record is being turned away.

If he wants to join the military in the next couple of years, he needs to graduate from high school and keep his record clean.

Fork Union is in charlettesville, VA. The people i know who graduated from there were never problems, excelled at sports and academics and have become very successful. What he needs is boot camp, not " hugging and loving," as my husband, former military, would say. He needs to enlist, if they will take him.

There are tons of military schools in the area. Fork Union, Valley Forge, Fishburn, Randolph Macon Academy, masanutten to name a few.

Military won't take him without a high school degree.

Pp, I agree. Thankfully most posts recommended tough love and the military. Boot camp is his only hope. Boot camp or jail. I wish my parents had done it. OP there is a military boarding s hooligan in Chantilly called Valley Forge. There my be another one but with your on's history they my not take him. I think he can enlist at 17 so if you see a recruiter he could be good o go. I recall a program where they can also get their GED while in or after boot camp but it is through the military. This may be your best shot. You never know, he might excel at it. As a PP stated, it can turn boys into men.

Anonymous wrote:If you let him stay after he turns 18, have him pay rent (you can keep this and invest it for him without telling him about it and maybe years from now when he is ready to purchase home, you can give it back to him with interest to help with a down payment) and be responsible for household chores. He can't just live there without responsibilities.

Ok I'm sorry to derail, but really? Her kid was kicked out of boarding school, is on probation, may or may not graduate high school and you are advising her to make plans to help him buy a house in the future? Let's be realistic here regarding near-term expectations... you can't run a marathon with a broken leg.

Oy vey. Don't listen to the touchy feely "get a social worker" posters. That doesn't help. I speak from personal experience. I was a JV version of your son, and was sent to a military boarding school. I am doing very well now personally and professionally. However my former classmates whose parents were always there to bail them out...they are for the most part still a mess.

Maybe since my parents were that way, im a big proponent of tough love. When he is 18 he is on his own if he wont live by your rules, which include that he takes meds or gets access to no food, goes to therapy or is given no access to other resources, etc., he can live elsewhere.

I remember telling my parents that i was going to run away when i was in high school. They told me i could but could only take what i bought myself...which didnt even include my shoes. They also gave me the choice of boarding school success or jail because they wouldn't take me back and weren't hesitant to call the cops on me and press charges for some indiscretions. I hated them at the time but id recommend a similar approach. It isn't too late.

Agree with previous suggestion re: Have a military recruiter talk to your son and tell him what he needs to do to get into the branch of his choosing.

Op, your son is my stepbrother. He is now 36 and incapable of taking care of himself. My stepdad dud not push mi.itary, even though my mom knew it was the best option for hm. He has done time, been homeless and worse. There is no turning back and my sister and I are waiting for the call that he is dead. I am praying hard for your family and your son. Get him into the military. It may be the only thing to save him.

I am the PP who suggested to hire a psychiatric social worker to find a solution to your problems with your son and for the whole family. I only wish my parents had done this when my sister was 21, but instead they didn't have a plan and things were bad for 20 years. I am the younger child and it is hell for the other children. Please get help for your family and don't expect to figure it out all on your own.