OP how is that any different from this story: "low wage" people for DC got pregnant with twins. Now they are facing a very difficult time. If one drops out of the workforce they lose 50% of their already "low" income wages. If one continues to work they will only net 10% of that salary after daycare expenses. Should I or shouldn't I give them a gift?

Notice how I don't mention whether they are married or if they were trying or if the twins were natural or not. But I'm guessing you would say "Of course I'll buy them stuff" based on my story. So how is yours any different?

What if you found out that they were actively trying despite the fact that they knew they couldn't afford one kid? They aren't married? What if I told you their twins were a result of using clomid? (In other words they shot themselves in the foot)

Would you be judgmental or give them less? Do you need to rethink the way you decide who is worthy of your generosity?

I would send a gift. It's about the baby and if you have affections for the girl (or her mother)...then it would be a very nice thoughtful gesture. You can judge her of course--would be difficult not to--but the shower/baby is independent of her poor judgement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's absolutely "unwed" and her kids are "illigit." Just because you don't like those words doesn't mean that they are wrong.

sorry, those words are wrong
it takes 2 to make a baby, remember
hush hush for the man, shame shame on the woman

We are supposed to be tolerant and politically correct towards the gays, lesbians, transvestites, interracial couples and polygamous people
When will a young mother fall into that political correctness?

Or do you want to show up and give her the scarlet letter?

No one ever said it's hush hush for the man, or at least that it's OK for it to be. Absolutely, he (they) should be brought forth as well and made to take responsibilities for these situations they've created.

OP, yes this is annoying on so many levels but think about the innocent child being brought into this dysfunction and give what you can

Anonymous wrote:That's what showers are for, for the mom who NEEDS the gifts. Why shower a 40something who paid for dozens of IVFs and makes a registry with brand name stuff?

I agree with you
Showers are for those that really do need those baby items

Get her bottles and wipes and lotions and baby soap, pacifiers

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like everyone is exploiting the generosity of others. She doesn't need new - again. In a situation like this should should be trying to borrow equipment from others and use any financial resources for necessary items like diapers, formula and childcare. If she's a good friend I'd send something small and practical. I sure dad-to-be is ponying up as well!

This. I would buy her consumables like diapers because she can get a lot of gear used. In fact, I'm about to craigslist a bunch of baby stuff myself.

That's what showers are for, for the mom who NEEDS the gifts. Why shower a 40something who paid for dozens of IVFs and makes a registry with brand name stuff?

Send her a gift card to the local thrift store and Goodwill. She can get what she needs there. It doesn't need to be new.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the Mom could use the items, I would send a gift. While I'm pro-choice, I realize that some people aren't, so I don't judge others who decide to keep their child instead of aborting.

People who choose to carry a pregnancy instead of aborting can be pro-choice, too. Pro-choice doesn't mean pro-abortion!

No shit, Sherlock.

Anonymous wrote:She's absolutely "unwed" and her kids are "illigit." Just because you don't like those words doesn't mean that they are wrong.

sorry, those words are wrong
it takes 2 to make a baby, remember
hush hush for the man, shame shame on the woman

We are supposed to be tolerant and politically correct towards the gays, lesbians, transvestites, interracial couples and polygamous people
When will a young mother fall into that political correctness?

Or do you want to show up and give her the scarlet letter?

I would go and give what I can.
Having a kid is tough.
That said, I would much rather support a young mother with a gift than a 40-something high class housewife having a kid and arranging a baby shower

I think you should go to the shower and bring her the car seat. That is what she seems to need most. For the third shower, I think you should go and bring her the car seat. That is what she seems to need most. For the fourth shower, I think you should go and bring her the car seat. That is what she seems to need most. For the fifth shower, I think you should go and bring her the car seat. That is what she seems to need most. For the sixth shower, I think you should go and bring her a car seat. That is what she seems to need most. For the seventh shower, It think you should go and bring her a car seat. That is what she seems to need most. For the eighth shower, bring her some Target gift cards. She forgot to sell the car seat from the seventh shower and doesn't need one -- most.

Sounds like everyone is exploiting the generosity of others. She doesn't need new - again. In a situation like this should should be trying to borrow equipment from others and use any financial resources for necessary items like diapers, formula and childcare. If she's a good friend I'd send something small and practical. I sure dad-to-be is ponying up as well!

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's necessary to be married to have a child but a committed relationship is nice. The fact that she was so young with DC1 and tossed all the stuff sounds pretty bratty and irresponsible to me. I can't really celebrate that. Send her a gift but don't go, I would have a problem with it.

A committed relationship is "nice?" WTH is that supposed to mean? Yes, I'm sure the poor kids born into this situation would agree that it is "nice" that mommy and daddy are... what? In agreement that that they are dating this week?

I don't think it's necessary to be married to have a child but a committed relationship is nice. The fact that she was so young with DC1 and tossed all the stuff sounds pretty bratty and irresponsible to me. I can't really celebrate that. Send her a gift but don't go, I would have a problem with it.