Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very serious illness in our family that we don't share much about with other people - it gets very complicated quickly and it is no one's business. The result is that I blow things off all the time. It upsets me a great deal that I do this, but I do my best. No advice, just the suggestion of compassion.

We have a similar situation. As the mom, I often have to bail out with little notice (and don't want to go into all the details with everyone each time). Compassion is always a good idea.

Bailing out with little notice and completely IGNORING plans are two totally different things. OP has been more than patient.

I wish you were in my neighborhood... No one talks to each other in my neighborhood. I would LOVE to have a nice person to chat with!

I think your neighbor is just flaky. My own dear mom is the same way. She just can't ever say "no" to an invitation. I think in her head, she knows she has other plans, but then thinks that she'll be able to wrap up early (which never happens) or she'll cancel beforehand (which never happens). I've been stood up by mom so many times! Really frustrating, but I try to understand that's just who she is.

If I were her, I would not flake on you, I swear. So...do you wanna be friends? =)

Anonymous wrote:We have a very serious illness in our family that we don't share much about with other people - it gets very complicated quickly and it is no one's business. The result is that I blow things off all the time. It upsets me a great deal that I do this, but I do my best. No advice, just the suggestion of compassion.

We have a similar situation. As the mom, I often have to bail out with little notice (and don't want to go into all the details with everyone each time). Compassion is always a good idea.

You sound like a nice person, and she seems to like you. Whatever's causing these odd issues, it's not worth investing energy into wondering about it. If she's stressed and dealing with problems, you're not close enough to her to be able to do anything about it (unless there are obvious signs; for example, she's sporting bruises). All you can do is be a good neighbor and spend time with her and her family as your schedule and comfort level allows.

She certainly could be a flake, but it's always possible there's more going on. Since she has initiated the contact a few times, I think it sounds like she likes you and would like to be friends.

Just putting out there the possibility that she may need to tread lightly at home and that this may spill over into the freedom to plan her time. For example, it is very hard to stick to plans in my family because my Borderline Personality DH is especially inclined toward crises before (and during!) social engagements. We have to cancel (and leave early) a lot, though I make contact with the other party. She *could* be under some pressure not to contact OP or to pull lame, fake explanations out.

It is really obnoxious, but sounds like there is something more to this. I immediately thought alchohol too. Maybe her, or maybe her DH so she can't depend in him to be home to watch the kids for her? Btdt.
Plus, now that my DH can't drink, it makes it very hard for me to go out and drink with friends since it makes me feel like I am not being supportive (coming home smelling like alcohol, etc)
Personally, I would back off a little with the plan-making since she clearly can't keep up right now. Put the ball in her court and just say "ok, email me when it's a good night for you and I'll see if I'm available"

Anonymous wrote:Can't believe we're throwing around medical diagnoses, when the problem is severe Rudeness Syndrome.

If your illness is so debilitating that you can't make a phone call to someone YOU initiated plans with, you need to share your diagnosis or be prepared to be thought a flake, or worse.

Agree

OP I agree with PPs that this is completely rude. This is socializing and courtesy 101.

Next time she asks if you want to get together, say 'Oh I know you're busy, so don't worry about it.' That tells her 'I know you're too busy to make and adhere to plans' as well as 'Don't feel obligated to ask me this question every time we see each other'.

I think it's bizarre that she keeps asking you to hang out even after she blows you off, with no apology or anything.

Or, you could just be honest and say, 'We've tried to make plans several times and it hasn't worked out. We can give it one last chance or we can just accept that we're too busy.'

The one other option besides depression or ADHD is that she's a pathological liar. I have known one or two in my day, and it's always weird, inconsequential crap like this. Of course, when confronted, they would say 'What plan? We didn't make plans. Perhaps you misunderstood.'

Sigh...

I want to be your friend, oP! You sound so normal and cool. What neighborhood are you in? I have hardly any friends in the neighborhood we live in!

Can't believe we're throwing around medical diagnoses, when the problem is severe Rudeness Syndrome.

If your illness is so debilitating that you can't make a phone call to someone YOU initiated plans with, you need to share your diagnosis or be prepared to be thought a flake, or worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she likes you but she's a flake. Being friends with someone like that can be very frustrating, and they will never change. But it doesn't make her a bad person, and she might be a really great friend if you can accept how she is and not get frustrated. I have a friend like this and I've found that what helps is to either 1) make spur-of-the-moment plans with her (e.g. "Want to meet us at the playground in an hour?") or 2) invite her to pre-existing plans that don't depend on her attendance (e.g. "We'll be at Joe's Bar on Saturday at 7, feel free to come meet us!") It sucks because I don't see her as often as other friends who are willing to plan in advance and stick to it, but what can you do.

Yup, this is my guess as well. Good strategy.

I like this advice, too. I always try to follow through when I suggest getting together with someone (though it may take awhile) and can't recall ever just not showing up w/o a notification and apology, I feel like I can frustrate people in my own ways....it seems like I just can't meet their expectations. So if you use the strategies suggested above, it kind of relaxes the expectations on both sides. And then you can both really focus on just having fun when you are together and no one is questioning if the other really wants to be there.

Agree you sound cool, OP.

Anonymous wrote:leave it alone. matter of fact stop following up with her.

she suggests an outing, tell her to specifically email and/or call you and if she doesnt, let it go.

Agree with this.

You sound super nice btw. Most of my neighbors don't even wave.

Seems like she does but she's also wishy-washy. Imagine what you tell DC if s/he had a friend like this. Then take your own advice.

She sounds like those guys who don't know how to end a conversation so they say, "I'll call you." But since they're not actually interested in you, they don't actually call.

I probably wouldn't waste much time making plans with her - that would really annoy me. I understand if things come up and you have to call and cancel, but just blowing things off without a phone call or email or text is really, really rude. (and yes, PP, even if there's a family illness, blowing people off without a phone/text/email is RUDE. it takes 10 seconds to send a text.)

Anonymous wrote:I think she likes you but she's a flake. Being friends with someone like that can be very frustrating, and they will never change. But it doesn't make her a bad person, and she might be a really great friend if you can accept how she is and not get frustrated. I have a friend like this and I've found that what helps is to either 1) make spur-of-the-moment plans with her (e.g. "Want to meet us at the playground in an hour?") or 2) invite her to pre-existing plans that don't depend on her attendance (e.g. "We'll be at Joe's Bar on Saturday at 7, feel free to come meet us!") It sucks because I don't see her as often as other friends who are willing to plan in advance and stick to it, but what can you do.

Yup, this is my guess as well. Good strategy.